“Here.” Doran came back into his tent with a new bottle. He set it before me, then took my glass and tossed its contents out through the tent flap.
I poured some wine in my glass, swirled it around, and went to dump that out as well. Doran lifted a brow at me.
“Unless you want to clean puke off your floor, I have to make sure the glass is clean.”
Doran grunted. “Fair enough. Sorry about that. I don't often entertain humans.”
“Not even for . . .” I waved a hand at his bed.
“No. I don't think it's wise to mingle. Too complicated. I stick to my own kind.”
“Wow . . . I don't know if that's racist or just smart.” I poured myself a fresh glass as he sipped his.
“I don't have anything against humans. I just don't want to take the chance of liking one, then losing him.”
“Fair enough,” I muttered. It seemed to be the theme of the day.
“Why did you refuse to take his soul if you love him?” Doran went straight for the jugular.
“It's not about him,” I grumbled. “I mean it is, but there's more to it than him. I don't want to live forever. If I had him, sure, it would make a difference. But if I had him and then lost him, I would have to face eternity alone. Because let's face it, there could be no one else after being loved by Taeven Rumerra.”
Doran's jaw clenched.
“You know what I'm talking about, don't you?” I asked softly.
Doran looked up sharply.
“How long have you been in love with him?”
Doran let out a long sigh and looked away. “Since before we came to Stalana. I took the post to be with him.”
“You came here together?” I asked in surprise. I couldn't imagine Taeven bringing a boyfriend with him to the war.
“No, we were never in a relationship. We got together once.” He shook his head and rubbed a hand over his face. “Just once, years ago, and I can't stop thinking about it. I've taken other lovers, many of them, and none have come close to easing the ache he left in me.”
I nodded. “I get it. I'm right there with you. Now imagine having him as yours, truly having him, then something takes him away from you—either another lover, death, or Taeven himself. What would that be like? Having him hold you every night, maybe even love you back. Whispering words of forever to you and then, bam! No Taeven. Snatched away right after you thought he was yours.”
“Hell,” Doran said firmly. “It would be absolute hell. But those are only possibilities, and I would risk them and more to have him. You're a fool and a coward to turn down the chance of heaven because of a glimpse of hell.”
That hit me like a punch in the gut. “Maybe. But a coward survives.”
Doran snorted. “A coward dies a thousand times a day. He will haunt you. Believe me, he will. You'll see him in your mind—memories and possibilities—and it will kill you. Over and over again.”
“Holy shit,” I whispered. “You're dark, man. Dark and fucking . . . depressing. You've got it bad.”
“And I know I will never have it good,” he countered. “I have no chance with him. I'm in hell already. So, watching you choose this willingly when you could have him . . .” He shook his head. “I want to strangle you.”
“You and me both.” I sighed.
“Have you considered that this is what he's feeling too?” Doran asked softly. “That you're choosing this hell for both of you? Taking away his chance at happiness too.”
“That's fucking low,” I huffed.
Doran shrugged. “I've never seen him like this. He's wrecked. All fromone daywith you.”
“Yeah, well that makes two of us.”
“You're an idiot.”
