“Maybe. But I can't help wondering how many of the valorians would have refused if given the chance.”
“What?” He gaped at me.
“I can't be the only one who thinks that immortality is unnatural,” I said, perhaps a little petulantly. “Maybe the only reason they all became valorians is that they weren't given a choice.”
“They were saved from death!”
“Yeah, as I said, they weren't given a choice.” I shrugged. “I'm not saying they aren't glad to be alive and all that. But if they'd been offered this when they weren't about to die, they might not have chosen it.”
“And you think I'm fucked up,” he muttered.
“I'm just saying that I have the chance to choose, and I'm going to make sure I make the right decision.”
“You know what else you've been given that the other valorians haven't?”
“What?”
“The chance to fall in love with your warlord before you see his soul, and for him to do the same with you.” Doran set his grim stare on me. “The others were plunged into a mystical relationship with no foundation of a previous connection. But you and he have the chance to form a bondbeforeyou take a piece of him. Before you see his true magnificence which, I'm certain, must be staggering.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Don't you know?” He frowned at me. “When a warlord shares his soul, the magic takes you into the spiritual realm where you see each other's souls. You will see who Taeven truly is, all the bad and the good. I'm told it's that experience that leads to love between a warlord and his valorian. It's a bond very few can resist; only one man has so far. But you and Taeven already have something strong between you. Imagine what it will become after you possess a piece of his soul.”
“But what if he doesn't like what he sees?” I whispered in horror.
“You mean your soul?” Daron blinked in surprise. “Why wouldn't he?”
“I don't know. My soul could be mediocre, especially compared to his. Fuck, you've just made this even more stressful.”
“I . . . but if you're chosen by the Goddess and the Beasts, then your soul must be beautiful.”
“IfI'm chosen,” I growled. “That's the fucking point. What if I'm not chosen? Then he'll have seen my ugly soul and be faced with my failure to be the man he needs me to be!” I stood up, downed my glass of wine, then started to turn for the door, but thought better of it and grabbed the bottle. “Fuck you, Doran! You're such an asshole!” I stormed out.
Chapter Nineteen
I slept horribly that night; I kept having nightmares of Tae seeing the true me and cringing away in horror. I'd been leaning toward accepting his offer, but after hearing that he'd have to see my soul in the process, I now leaned in the other direction. To the point of abject terror.
My father says that you never truly know yourself. That knowing who you are is a form of enlightenment. That all of us have images in our heads of who wethinkwe are, but most of those are masks—false beliefs that we put in place to keep us sane. A man who believes himself to be brave could, in actuality, be a coward. One who thinks himself kind, could be secretly cruel. A wise man, actually a fool. Dad says that a lot of what a person does is about feeding their false image of themselves. And I was fucking scared out of my mind to have my false image torn away and my truth bared to Taeven.
Love flourishes in truth, yes. But it also blooms in blissful ignorance. Those lies we tell ourselves are integral to our happiness. If Taeven saw my truths, he might share them with me, especially if those truths drive him away. He'd have to give me a reason for leaving, right? Could I survive hearing Taeven confess that my soul was so ugly that he knew he'd never be able to love me? Fuck, being with the Falcon Lord was becoming more and more difficult. Losing my mortality was bad enough but literally baring my soul? That was too much to ask of anyone.
I contemplated all of this on my 5 AM walk to my baking pavilion and by the end of my stroll, I decided to tell Tae that it was over. That he should look for another valorian. Then I reached his tent. I would have stood and stared at it if there hadn't been guards standing to either side of the entrance flap—knights who glared at me. I hurried away and vowed to take a new route the next morning, maybe around the back. But seeing that red and black striped tent, with its falcon pennant drooping dismally from the central pole, had shaken me. Just knowing that Taeven was inside it was enough to set my body to shivering. I wanted to stride in there and wake him up with kisses, then laugh as I made love to him. I wanted to see him smile again and know that I had put that smile on his face.
If only I wasn't such a coward. There, I'd accepted a truth about myself. A truth that he'd see in my soul.
The sound of distant clangs brought me to a sudden stop. I glanced over at Tae's guards, but they were already inside his tent. I knew I should move, but I wasn't sure where to go. Then he was there. Taeven came barreling out of his tent in a war robe—a garment worn into battle by faeries so they could shuck it off quickly and shift. He stopped short when he saw me.
“What's happening?” I asked him.
“Those are warning bells from the Unsidhe Camp,” he said crisply. “Get into your armor; we need to render aid.”
Then he was naked and shifting. With a glimmering haze, a giant falcon appeared in the warlord's place. And he wasn't alone, his knights had shifted too. The Falcons took to the sky, launching themselves with powerful leaps. One of them broke from the flock and set to circling the camp, shrieking a call to arms, while the rest headed to the nearby Unsidhe Camp. The rest included the Falcon Lord.
“Fuck!” I hissed and ran back to my tent.
It took me only minutes to armor up since I was already dressed. Which meant that I was among the first humans to head for the Unsidhe Camp. Along with the soldiers who had been on guard duty, my fellow chefs and bakers were with me, all of us early risers. It would be the first time that our units reached the battle before the others. We cast grim looks at each other as we ran, and I knew that we were all thinking the same thing. But despite what people thought of us, we were soldiers and we were up to the task. In addition to their swords, the chefs had their precious knives strapped to their belts—their cooking gear. They hadn't bothered to remove them. The Farungals were about to learn just how proficient army chefs were with their knife skills.
Falcons swarmed through the air above us, diving to attack the monsters, but my group was the first to offer ground support. I went utterly calm when I saw the Farungal troops running through the Unsidhe camp, all of my aches fading under that cool focus. I pulled my sword as I ran to intercept my first target.
