“Hey, I won’t ask if you’re okay, but…” He peered at me seriously, then asked, “Should I wake up Lake?”
I gave him a wavery smile, hating and loving him and all these people more than I could explain. “Yeah, yeah I think so.”
“Okay. Two minutes.” He left his smoothie on the counter and went to their bedroom.
Bucky ambled over in his usual style, reading my mental state and knowing I needed support.
I crouched to hug him. “Thank you, buddy. For yesterday, too.” He’d been there for me, even though it had been Rey who held me through the freeze. Having the dog there too had helped as well. It had been as if their warmth had melted the ice my fucked-up brain had conjured.
Bucky pushed into me so hard that I fell onto my ass. I moved back to lean against the dishwasher and let him climb onto my lap. Then I hugged him close and buried my face into his ruff.
I barely registered hearing the bedroom door open and steps coming closer. Then suddenly Lake was sitting next to me, leaning against me for support as he gave Bucky some scritches.
“You need to go?” he asked in a sleep-rough voice.
I couldn’t say the words, so I nodded.
“Okay,” Lake whispered. Part of me expected him to pull away, but instead, he pressed in closer and put his head on my shoulder. “I’ll let you leave if you promise to come back.”
I exhaled messily. “I promise.” I just didn’t know when or how.
“I thought you’d stay longer. Maybe after the holidays.”
“Me too,” I confessed. Then, when he didn’t say anything for a moment, I began to talk. “He had a panic attack last night. Stumbled into my room. I held him through it. Yesterday morning he helped me through one of my PTSD episodes faster than anyone ever has been able to.”
“You love him,” Lake stated quietly. “It’s okay. You know we wouldn’t be upset if—”
“I know.” But I would be upset at myself. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. It was both stupid and noble. Stupidly noble. Noble stupidity?
“I guess you have your reasoning,” Lake said in a way that would’ve given room for it to be a question if I wanted to answer, but I didn’t. I hadn’t told anyone, and I needed the first person to know to be my sister.
“Yeah.” I cleared my throat again. “I’ll pack up today and—”
“And you’ll let me take to whatever station you need,” Theo said in his tone that told me arguments wouldn’t be tolerated.
“I’ll get you a plane ticket,” Lake said. “Nevada, right?”
“Yeah. Reno.” That was the closest airport anyway.
He hugged me from the side, then kissed my temple, and pushed to his feet. “This evening or tomorrow?”
“Today. Whatever looks good?”
“Done.” He smiled at me in a melancholy way, kissed Theo on the way past him, and went to his office.
“You know you’ll break his heart, right?” Theo said in his usual, measured, quiet style.
I laughed through my teeth, no humor whatsoever. “I’ve been breaking it for a while now.”
“And your own?”
“And mine.”
“How have you managed to keep Sierra from all this?”
I sighed. “I vetoed it. From the start. She wanted to talk about him, but I used my veto. We have a rule.” We’d been closer in the past, not as much nowadays.
She’d been pissed at me for not telling her when I was coming back this latest time, and then I’d vetoed any talk about Rey. She wasn’tactuallyupset. We were just busy and…I don’t know.
