There was another thing, too. The more I watched Lake and Theo interact and the more I saw them look at each other when the other wasn’t noticing, the more I realized something else.
I was pretty sure I’d seen a similar look aimed at myself many times both in the past and in the present. By River.
I couldn’t ask him about it, because the idea of someone wanting me like that made me feel squirmy in a bad way. The last thing I wanted was to make him feel bad about it if he did like me in that way.
But the reality of the situation was, that I was sure I’d never looked at anyone with that expression in my life. I would’ve thought that at twenty-five I would’ve, had it been in the cards for me.
But what did it all mean?
And that’s when I fell into my research rabbit hole for two nights in a row.
* * * *
“What do you mean you might be ace?” River asked, looking wide-eyed.
“I mean that I’ve never…” I blushed. “I mean, not even like, crushes. Nothing like that, I don’t think. Let alone…” I gestured vaguely, unable to get the words out.
“You’ve never felt sexual attraction to anyone?”
I winced. Of course, he’d say it like that. He was a nurse, after all. Nothing about this was probably weird or too much for him.
“Right.”
He looked away and I saw his jaw working as he processed the information.
“I didn’t…” he trailed off, then pushed the rest of the words out. “I didn’t make you feel uncomfortable, did I?”
“What? No.” I got to my feet, reached my hand toward him, but then lowered it and myself back on the bed. “That’s not why I…” I swallowed hard. “River, I realized that you might h-have feelings for me.”
The way he blushed crimson told me all I needed to know about my hunch.
He raised his gaze to meet mine, and the way he looked sad and dejected broke my heart.
“I…”
I shook my head. “No. I don’t…I don’t mind. I’m not upset or anything.” I ran my fingers through my hair and glanced away. “I’m torn. I wish I’d known.”
“Really?” His tone was dubious.
I thought for a moment, then shook my head again. “I guess not. I don’t think I would’ve known what to do with it then.”
River chuckled, the sound sort of dark and even sad. “I don’t think you know what to do with it now.” Seeing my wince, he lifted a hand. “Sorry, that was uncalled for. I’m not…”
He wasn’t a mean person. “I know that.”
He took in a deep breath and then exhaled slowly. “Okay.” He looked at me again. “What do we—”
“I don’t know. I…this is a bit much.” I realized I was telling the truth. “Right now, I mean. It’s…” I tried to take a deep breath but couldn’t manage it, and my heart started to race a little. “I…”
“I’ll see you at dinner or…” He backed away as if from a startled animal—fitting, given where we were—and left the room.
It took me a few minutes to tamp down the panic attack, and a few more to realize he’d left me so quickly because he’d seen what was going on. He was a nurse. He could probably see a panic attack forming from a mile away.
* * * *
Dinner was a bit weird with River deep in thought and me trying to talk with Rey and Lake. I’d been there for a couple of weeks, and I really liked them, so conversation was easier. If only River was in that circle, too.
I couldn’t even begin to guess how he was feeling. Literally. They weren’t feelings I’d ever had myself, so I had no idea. Well, if I wasreallyliteral, Icouldtry to guess, but I didn’t want to in case I got it wrong.
