I smiled. “Of course. You’re my apprentice.”
He shook his head. “No, I know people who have it much worse in their apprenticeships. You’ve actually put me to work and taught me things. I had a friend who had to do grunt work for two years before he ever got to tattoo.”
I chuckled and finished my food, then put the containers in the trash. “You still do the grunt work at home. You did your six months of observing and then started very slowly. You have an art background and you have more knowledge of the history of tattooing and all the mechanics involved than many old timers, Zain. It’s not like it’s been a hardship to mentor you.”
Ducking his head, he smiled almost shyly. “Thanks. That’s… that’s good to hear.”
“How are things with your parents?”
“Eh… they’re coming around, finally, I think. My cousin Ish who works in the business in New York basically had a talk with them. If they can’t accept it fully, then that’s on them. This is who I am and what my calling is, you know?” He peered at me from under his long hair.
He’d had trouble getting his parents to talk to him after he announced he wanted to be a tattoo artist. They were first generation in the States, both from Syria, and while Zain had been born here and grown up differently from them by default, tattooing was still a sin in their religion.
“Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”
“Will do.” He got off the couch and stretched. “Let’s get some sleep. Tomorrow’s gonna be a long day, and then day after we travel again.”
“Yeah. I can’t wait to get back home.”
When I tried to get comfortable in bed that night, I wondered what kind of revelations our month apart had brought Bear. I hope they were similar to mine, because I didn’t want to be grieving yet another loss in my life, especially when I was pretty damn sure that I might not survive this one.
Bear
The healing process was slow, and I’d come to an understanding with myself of what I could expect in the long run. I’d never be the same I was before the accident, but I could do everything in my power to make sure I at least didn’t backslide.
The months after coming home from rehab were… not easy. It was tricky to handle the emotions that roiled inside me whenever I had even the smallest thing go wrong. All it took was fumbling and dropping a pencil or, when I tried to color, coloring outside the lines, and I felt like punching a wall.
I’d never been aggressive in my life, and I didn’t really feel like that now either, but I got mad enough that I could’ve raged and gotten physical. Not with Luke, of course, but with the environment.
I didn’t. Instead, I snapped and snarled and isolated, and then I apologized if I’d been too harsh.
Luke understood. Hell, sometimes I felt like he wastoounderstanding.
It took me time to realize I had started to feel coddled. The problem with that was, that I knew Iwasn’tbeing coddled even though I felt that way.
I couldn’t tell Luke to stop being such a lovely, considerate partner. He was everything I wanted in a life partner. Hell, I could see us being together for… well, forever.
By the time months had passed and my little brain had been somewhere in the background for way too long and I had trouble submitting to him in scenes because something would suddenly piss me off… yeah. I was ready to snap.
So when he told me about his upcoming trip, well….
I knew I wouldn’t cave if he insisted we talk, but I still took the coward’s way out and packed some stuff while he was at work. Then I went to Mal and Jamie’s and used the extra key hidden in the yard and the alarm code Jamie had texted me with instructions on where to find the key.
They were both working late, and it felt weird as fuck to be in their house without them. I took my stuff into the guest room and put my stuffies against the wall where they could observe everything. I wasn’t sure what I’d do, how long I’d be there, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to go home until Luke had left for Europe.
I sat on the comfy bed and sighed. I needed to talk with someone. Mal, and especially Jamie would be great, but maybe I should find a therapist, too. Margo had told me that sometimes the aftereffects that were mental could bother you for a very long time. Allen was one other option, but he was old school in his thinking sometimes, and I was pretty sure that he’d see this one differently from what I needed right now. He loved me exactly like he loved everyone whose pseudo-father figure he was in the community, but I needed a different point of view.
I ended up wandering into the backyard and sitting on the edge of the sandbox. I missed being little. I felt like a big part of my life was… not there. I didn’t feel likemewhen I couldn’t regress. I snorted. Who would’ve thought? It wasn’t that long ago that I felt like littles were weird and almost scary in their uninhibited ways.
Now, I craved to get to that point again, just to let go of everything that was wrong, even if for a while.
I loved Luke more than I knew I could love someone in a romantic way. I needed to do what I’d said in the letter I’d left him: figure out who I was when he wasn’t around.
Jamie arrived home from work first. He came carrying takeout bags from a Chinese place he knew I liked.
“Hey, honey, how are you doing?” he asked, leaving his briefcase by the stairs and came to put the food on the kitchen counter. Then he promptly turned around, walked to me, and hugged me hard.
I broke down, I couldn’t help it. All control I’d had over the situation since the previous night just vanished.
