“Yeah, I know,” I responded quietly. “I guess I was too afraid of losing you to really see it clearly.”
“You’re not gonna lose me,” he said with confidence.
“You don’t know that, Ri.” There was more venom in my voice than I meant, but I couldn’t help it. “Maybe you’d never leave me on purpose. But you have no idea what will happen. I’m sure my mom didn’t expect to die when I was a baby, but she did. And my dad, same thing. He always promised he would be there for me, no matter what. But he wasn’t. I know that wasn’t his fault, obviously. But you can’t promise shit like that because there are no guarantees. I guess somewhere in my mind, I thought that if I told you how I truly, really felt, I’d be putting it out into the universe and making my worst fears come true. You and the kids are my only family, Ri. If I lose you, I lose everything, and I guess I thought that keeping my mouth shut for the rest of my life was better than that risk.”
“Fuck, Koa. I’m sorry. I had no idea. I-I wish I had a way to ease your worries. But you’re right that there’s no way of knowing what will happen. What I can promise you is that as long as I’m here, I’m yours, and even after, I’ll always be with you.” Riot smirked. “Trust me, my ghost will be haunting you about the shitty way you load the dishwasher long after I’m gone.”
Laughter broke through the tears and I pinched his hip. “There’s nothing wrong with the way I load the dishwasher. You’re just obsessive.”
He kissed my pec. “Whatever you say.”
I laughed. “God, I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Koa, is there something you’re missing from this relationship? Like, you didn’t think I had the same feelings for you, and to be fair, I didn’t even realize it myself, but what can I do to show you?”
He kissed me. “You don’t need to do anything. Having it out in the open is enough.”
I frowned. It wasn’t enough for me. “Don’t stop communicating now. That’s not what we do. Did you wanna, I don’t know, go on dates and stuff? For real, not like last time.”
Koa’s lips quirked up. “Baby, when are we gonna go on dates? We have exactly one babysitter and she’s in the hospital.”
My heart twinged at the reminder. Even though I knew Cara would be fine, it still sent a wave of trepidation down my spine.
“Well, I don’t know. I’m just saying if there’s something you need, tell me. I’m kind of oblivious when it comes to context clues. I need direct.”
“I know. I promise I’ll tell you from now on.”
That was all I could ask for. “Thanks, babe.”
Chapter 20
Riot
I adjustedmy beanie so it was fully covering my ears before taking Koa’s hand again. It was a cold night, even more so than normal for early December, but it was also River Hills’ annual holiday festival. It was a big deal around here, second only to homecoming. The whole downtown area had been decked out in Christmas lights and holiday decorations. A huge tree was donated every year for the square, and everyone came to shop local vendors, see Santa Claus, and have a good time.
The past few years, I’d worked my own booth with Cara, switching out every hour so I could spend time with the kids as well. But Cara had just left the inpatient rehab right after Thanksgiving and was still recovering. I’d considered doing the booth myself but had decided against it. After everything, I wanted to dedicate all my time to my family without having to worry about work. We did have a stand where people could fill out inquiries and place them in a box that I could go over in my own time, with some of the parents volunteering to man it, but that was the extent of it.
We walked through the entranceway, which was decorated as a winter wonderland complete with pink and white sparkly garland, lights, big, brightly colored bows, and more. We hadn’teven gotten fully inside yet and the kids were already in awe. Even Wynter and Knox had been impressed before they’d ditched us for their friends. There was a new theme every year, and they always decorated accordingly so it was new and exciting, and people would talk for weeks about what to expect for the decor. This year’s was Candy Land, so in addition to the more traditional holiday items, there were oversized lollipops tucked into the lattice of the walkway. Light-up candy canes lined both paths. There was plenty of color everywhere, and rumor was that there would be “elves” running around, handing out candy. The twins were fucking psyched.
I pulled Hawk and Storm in their wagon while Koa walked next to me, holding my free hand. The boys were bouncing with energy in front of us, completely bundled up in their coats, gloves, and hats. They were all wearing light-up Christmas light necklaces.
We’d lost sight of Knox and Wynter, and I was a bit of a wreck about Wynter going off on her own, but the day after Thanksgiving we’d gotten a call that the police had found Aren and he was back in jail. It was time to give her back her freedom, even if it was hard. It would be a long time before we’d have to worry about him again, if ever.
“Can we go to the rides first?” Bel asked once we were past the entrance.
“Sure,” I said with a smile.
My first one of these had only been a few years ago, once Koa and I had been married. Even if I could have afforded to take the kids here, I would’ve never exposed them like that. Back then, we’d been the pariahs of this town, and all the looks and whispers would’ve sent me running. It still happened occasionally, but it was much tamer now. Koa’s aunt still loved spreading rumors and talking about us nonstop, but once mycareer started to take off and the town realized I wouldn’t be the leech my parents were, they’d come around.
I probably should be pissed that none of these people had been here for me when I’d needed them, but honestly I was just relieved the kids wouldn’t have to go through all the shit I’d had to. It wasn’t perfect, some of Knox’s and Wynter’s struggles had made that clear, but it was better, and for whatever reason, this fucking place was home for me. Maybe it was because it was where I’d met Koa, where Cara had given me a chance at a real life. Maybe it was because I was too afraid of change and was clinging to any scrap of stability I could find. Whatever it was, I wasn’t leaving River Hills, and finally felt like less of an outsider.
The fair was split into two different parts. The vendors and Christmas market were first. This was also where all the food was. Behind it were the rides. The Ferris wheel was already visible, even from this distance, all lit up in red and green.
“We gotta buy tickets first!” Koa called out with a laugh as the boys nearly sprinted to the rides. “Come here for a sec.”
“Hi, Mr. Williams!” the teenage girl at the ticket booth said to Koa as we walked up.
