Riot sighed. He pushed his hair out of his face with his free hand. “Yeah, I know. It’s always our parents. It doesn’t make me feel any less responsible.”
“I know, sweetheart. That’s why you’re so amazing.”It’s one of the things I love about you,I thought to myself.
His lips twitched. “I don’t know about all that. But also, it wasn’t you lying to me that had me up in my feels. Or at least, not entirely. Yeah, that fucking sucked, and I think it might take me a while to totally get over it. But I understand why you did it and I forgive you. I think I forgave you before I even left for the studio.”
I frowned and brought our entwined hands into my lap, needing him even closer. “Then I don’t understand. What were you thinking about?”
Riot chewed on his lip. He was nervous. “The biggest thing I was struggling with was why. I know you said I was your dream and all that, but I just couldn’t wrap my head around the why of it. How could I possibly be your dream when you’d wanted to play in the NFL since before I’d even met you. I wasn’t worth it.” I opened my mouth to cut in, but he put a finger to my lips, silencing me. “No. Let me finish, okay?” I nodded, and his lips twitched as he removed his finger. “Thanks. I needed you. Will always need you. And despite everything, I will be forever grateful that you chose to stay. But the way I saw it, you never actually needed me. You were the one who saved me. Literally. And figuratively too. I doubt I would’ve survived the first few years after I got custody without you. What have I ever given you in return that would’ve made it worth it for you to give up your life like that? I understood, finally, why your aunt was so mad after all this time. Even if she hadn’t always hated me, of course she would after that.”
I pressed my lips together to keep from correcting every bullshit misconception Riot had just said. I didn’t need him? Did he really think that? God, what had I been doing all these years if he really didn’t understand how much I needed him? It hurt, physically and spiritually, to allow him to ramble, to let him believe those things for even another second. But I somehow managed to keep my mouth shut. He needed to get this out, and I owed it to him to let him have that.
Riot took a breath, steadying himself. “Anyway, I told Cara all that when I went to her place the other day after—” He cut himself off because he didn’t need to say it. We both knew. “She yelled at me and told me how wrong I was about every single thing I thought.”Thank you, Cara.At least someone had triedto set him straight. “She said she had a theory.” Riot snorted. “Of course, she didn’t tell me what it was, but she insisted that I talk to you, really talk to you, and maybe it would help me understand.”
A theory? Goddamn Cara. Did she know too? Did everyone besides Riot know how I really felt about him? “Ri . . .” Honestly, I had no fucking idea what I was supposed to say.
“I should’ve come home and spoken to you immediately. I hate how uncomfortable things have been all week.”
I squeezed his hand. “Yeah, I hated it too.”
“I missed you, Ko. I don’t want distance between us anymore.”
I kissed the top of his head. “Fuck, me either. I felt like I couldn’t breathe all damn week.”
He huffed. “Yeah, neither could I.” He rubbed his chest with his free hand. “It hurt. I’m sure that speaks to our unhealthy level of codependency, but I don’t think I care.”
“I know I don’t,” I responded honestly.
Riot looked up at me, completely open, completely earnest.
“So can you help me understand, please? I don’t know if I can fully move past this if I can’t get over this hurdle in my brain, the one that is telling me there’s no way I was fucking worth it. The one that keeps reminding me I’m nothing more than trailer trash and that all I did was bring you down with me. I don’t deserve you, and I can’t fathom how you don’t see that. And while I allowed myself to accept your help and the comfort you gave me when I thought you had no choice but to stay, I don’t know how to do that now. You can say over and over that I was your dream or whatever, but it means nothing until I understand it.”
Fuck, my poor baby. What had I done? I’d thought by keeping how I felt to myself all this time, I’d been protecting Riot. I didn’t want him to feel guilty if he didn’t feel the same or force himself into a situation just so he didn’t lose me, so I’d keptmy mouth shut. But had I done more damage that way? Did Riot truly not see he was everything to me? How could I have let him think that about himself? What kind of best friend was I?
I wiped a tear streaming down his face away with my thumb.
“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry. I failed you.”
His face twisted in confusion. “What are you talking about? You never failed me.”
“If you really think that about yourself, then yes, I did.”
“I-I don’t understand.”
“I know. Fuck, I know, Ri. I— Give me a second. I’m trying.”
He rested his head against my shoulder, and I wrapped my arm around him, holding him tight as I tried to get my thoughts together. Tried to figure out a way to explain this, but my brain was fucking mush.
“Riot, when I first moved here, I was so depressed. My parents were dead, and I’d been forced to move across the country to live with an aunt I barely knew. Sometimes, I wanted to die just so I could be with my family. I was thinking about it that first day at the river before you and Knox showed up, you know.”
Riot gasped, and I could tell he wanted to look at me, but I lightly threaded my fingers in his hair, holding him in place. I had to get this all out before I saw those eyes.
“I wasn’t going to do it. It was never that serious. But I thought about it a lot. I felt so fucking alone, Riot. Lost. Then you and Knox walked out of the brush.”
Riot played with the hem of my shirt. The only sound was his breathing. I knew he was listening, but he was giving me the time to get everything out, like I had for him.
“One of the first things my aunt told me was to stay away from you and your family. That you were trouble.” Riot flinched and tried to lean away, but I tightened my grip. Not yet. “But even way back then, even before that day at the river, I knewthat it was bullshit. You wereintrouble, not the cause of it. Then at the river, I knew for sure I was right. You were special. The way Knox looked at you like you’d hung the moon? It meant something. I knew right then that everyone was wrong about you and that you were worth fighting for. Never, not for a second, did I think I was better than you. I didn’t give a fuck that you lived in a trailer and didn’t have nice clothes or the newest shoes. None of that meant anything to me. You were always so much more than that to me, sweetheart. Always.”
I took a deep breath. This time, when Riot twisted, I let him. He looked up into my eyes but otherwise stayed where he was in my arms. Where he belonged. There was so much emotion shining through him. I could see everything. The way he was looking at me, I had to wonder if I was that open as well. My heart was pounding as I continued, “Maybe I’m doing a shitty job explaining it because I really don’t know how. But never for a day did I regret my decision not to go to USC. And if I had to go back, I’d do it all over again. It’s you, Riot. It’s always been you. That will never change. And in fifty, sixty years, I’d choose you again.”
