Chapter 11
Riot
Overwhelmed didn’t even beginto describe my thoughts. This whole last week, I had felt like I was drowning, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get above water. That hadn’t happened since I’d been a kid. Even when I’d first gotten custody and everything had been so fucking hard, I’d never felt so lost. And now I was finally beginning to understand why—Koa had been there. Koa was always there.
Not that he had been gone this week. The distance between us had been self-imposed. But it had still been there. I’d needed it. I got that now. I’d needed that time to really think, both about what Cara had said and how I felt about Koa’s lie. I hated that the kids had gotten hurt in the process, but I thought things would’ve been worse if I’d pretended everything was fine.
But fuck, had I missed Koa. I needed him. I craved him. I hadn’t realized how much I’d come to depend on him, not just to help care for the kids but for me. His arms were the ones I wanted around me when I came home from a long day. He was the one I wanted to complain about shitty clients to, and go grocery shopping with, and watch TV with. I wanted everything with Koa, and it had taken five days of distance for me to truly understand that.
Tears were streaming down Koa’s face, so I reached up to wipe them off. A part of me still had a hard time believing his words. Even after Koa had proved himself over and over again, there would always that piece of self-doubt that told me I wasn’t worth it—that thirteen-year-old kid that was positive Koa was only being nice to me because he felt bad for me, or so he could go behind my back and make fun of me with the cool kids.
But it was bullshit. I knew it was. My doubt had come back strong and intense when I’d found out the truth about the scholarship, but every word Koa had said pushed that awful piece of my brain back bit by bit, until it had almost completely disappeared.
“You never failed me!” It wasn’t what I’d meant to say, but it was what came out. The most important thing rolling around amid all my muddled thoughts and emotions.
Without thinking too much about it, I moved so that I was straddling Koa, my knees on either side of him on the couch, me facing him. His arms automatically wrapped around me, settling any of the lingering worries I might have had.
“You never failed me, Koa, not ever. Any fucked-up thoughts I have are all on me, not anything you did. Over and over again, you’ve shown me how much I mean to you. I’m sorry I let myself believe all the bullshit in my brain even for a second.”
Koa let out a watery laugh. His fingers tensed around my spine. “How about we agree to stop apologizing to each other?”
I chewed on my lip before nodding. “Y-yeah, probably a good idea. In case it wasn’t clear, I forgive you for lying to me. I still think you’re fucking insane for giving that up, but I’m glad you did, and I believe you when you say you don’t regret it.”
“Good.” Koa cleared his throat. “I’m glad. I’m happy to remind you as much as you need, too. In case you ever forget.”
Feeling lighter than I had in days, maybe longer, I moved my hands so they were holding Koa behind his upper back. My headfell forward, cradled between his neck and his shoulder. One of Koa’s hands slid up so it was cupping my neck.
I wasn’t sure how long we sat just like that. Long enough that my legs started to cramp from the position. “We’re kinda weird for best friends, right?” I teased, still not letting go.
Koa stiffened. I went to look to see what was wrong, but before I could, he whispered, “Oh, sweetheart, we’re way more than best friends. We have been for a long time.”
I laughed, but something about Koa’s posture made me realize he was being serious. I wiggled around until Koa finally loosened his hold enough that I could look at him.
Had Koa’s expression ever been so open before? He didn’t say anything else, just held me tightly, secure and safe, but he didn’t need to for me to understand there was more going on here. Things I took for granted or hadn’t considered deeply about our relationship before.
We really were more, weren’t we? Maybe we always had been.
I didn’t think about my next move. Maybe if I had, I wouldn’t have done it. But I couldn’t think about much of anything. Thoughts were too hard now.
All I understood was that Koa’s lips were right there, that he was saying so much more than the words coming out implied, and curiosity I rarely felt had me leaning forward.
I threaded my fingers through his hair, and before he could ask anything, I brought my lips to his.
Koa didn’t move, wasn’t breathing as far as I could tell. His lips stayed frozen pressed against mine.
I pulled back, my cheeks beet red, already halfway through a panic attack.Fuck me, what was I thinking?I’d never even— Shit, I’d never even kissed someone before. It wasn’t that I was against kissing or anything else. I just wasn’t pressed about iteither way. I had everything I could ever want with Koa already. What the fuck had possessed me to do that?
“I-I didn’t mean— I didn’t ask you. I— Oh god?—”
Koa’s fingers curled into my hair, stopping me before I fell off his lap in an effort to run the fuck away and die somewhere of humiliation. I didn’t get a chance to blurt out a real apology before he kissed me back. It was gentle at first, questioning, like he was feeling out the situation. All at once, the tension seeped out of me. This was Koa. Koa was giving me my first kiss, or I gave him mine. I didn’t know. It didn’t fucking matter. I opened up for him, letting him take whatever he wanted.
Koa growled. His fingers tightened in my hair as his tongue pushed into my open and willing mouth.
I was a dazed, whimpering mess by the time he pulled back.
“Fuck, baby.” His voice was husky, a little shocked.
I was still out of it, but the burn in my legs had me shifting. My ass brushed against Koa’s bulge, which was definitely . . . bulgier than before. My eyes flew to his face, wide.
