“We bonded,” I said quietly, letting my arms drop. “Linus and I. During that last wave, we bonded.”
Fenn’s brow shot up. “Wow! I mean,wow! Just like that?”
I lowered my head, then peeked anxiously up at him. “It was intense. That last wave was…reallyintense. And once the dust settled…we were bonded.”
Fenn’s expression whipped through about five emotions before he said, “I’m happy for you.” He looked more confused than happy, though.
A rumble of thunder in the distance didn’t help the swelling unease within me. “I can’t be bonded,” I said, mostly in disbelief. “I’m a mess, Fenn, and you know it.”
“You’re absolutely not a mess,” my brother replied, looking surprised that I would say that. “You’re one of the best people I know.”
My face heated. “The crash,” I said, still wound too tight about the whole thing to say more. “I can’t get over it. I still have nightmares.”
“So do I, now and then,” Fenn said. “You should know better than anyone that nightmares and lingering trauma are normal for people like us who have been through something like that.”
I shook my head and stared at the coffee pot. The coffee was finished brewing, the air smelled strongly of coffee, and alittle bit of bubblegum, which had to be part of the bond. I was clenched too tight to move in and fix myself a cup, though.
“I’m not strong, Fenn,” I said, shame rising up like the coming storm inside me. “I can’t be what an alpha should be for a bonded mate. I struggle with control. I regulate myself and get my jollies by playing kink scenes with anonymous omegas. I’m just not what a sweet, beautiful omega like Linus needs. I’ll bring him down.”
“What a load of nonsense,” Fenn snorted. “You work harder than any alpha I know. You’re financially stable, and even though you’re still dealing with trauma, you acknowledge it, and youareactually dealing with it in healthy and productive ways. A lot of guys would let stuff like this eat them up. They’d become genuine jerks and mistreat omegas for real instead of doing it for fun with consenting partners.”
“What if Linus isn’t like that?” I asked, running through the argument that had occurred to me upstairs. “What if he’s vanilla? I wouldn’t want to cheat on him, but I wouldn’t have that means of balancing myself and finding control again.”
Fenn laughed, which I didn’t think was all that great of him, considering the turmoil I was dealing with. “What if your Linus is as much of a freak as his twin?” he countered. “What if he just hasn’t had someone he feels safe playing with yet?”
I scowled. I didn’t like the comparison of my omega with his reprobate brother.
Although after that last heat wave, I did wonder if there was something waiting deep within Linus that was waiting to come out and get nasty.
I shook my head to fight off that thought, mostly because it was making me horny and bringing my awareness of Linus right up to the front of my being, like he was standing right behind me.
“I’m not in any position to open my life to a mate right now,” I said. “I live in a tiny apartment, for one. And what if I get him pregnant during his next heat? He told me he wasn’t ready to start a family. He’s got a whole career that he loves. He deserves better than an alpha who has to fight to hold things together.”
Fenn made a scoffing noise and shook his head. “You make enough money to give up your apartment and get a bigger one, or a house. Omegas can work while pregnant or after having kids these days. They passed all those laws, remember? You’re just panicking because we’re all stuck in a high-stakes situation and this came out of the blue.”
“I don’t know if I’m ready for it,” I said, still stuck on how unworthy I was to have a mate. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.”
My doubts and worries were bad enough, but I was wrecked when Linus’s small, vulnerable voice sounded behind me, saying, “It’s okay. I…if you don’t want me, I hear there are things that can be done to sever a bond.”
It was like a knife in my heart. The vague sense I’d felt of my omega suddenly wasn’t vague at all. I whipped around and saw him standing just on the other side of the doorway to the kitchen. Not just standing there, hiding. He was hugging the doorframe, and only his head and shoulders and a sliver of one side were visible.
He looked miserable. Defeat and grief radiated from him, along with a powerful, horrible feeling of unworthiness. I’d caused those feelings in my omega. I’d made him sad when it was my duty to make him happy, to make his life better.
“Linus.” I breathed out his name like it was an apology and took a step toward him. “I?—”
“No, it’s okay,” Linus said, stepping fully into the doorway. He was wrapped in his robe, but the skin that I could see was pink and warm and inviting. “It’s okay, really,” he reassured me,gloom and an impressive sense of responsibility radiating from him. “I know I’m not a catch. I’m ordinary and boring. I’ve never fooled myself into thinking an alpha would ever want me.”
Dear god, the man was going to kill me. No, this bond was going to kill me. I could feel everything, feel the impact of my boorishness and doubt.
“None of this has anything to do with you, sweetheart,” I said, taking another step toward him. “It’s all about me, about my problems and shortcomings. You deserve better.”
Linus sucked in a quick, shaky breath, like he was fighting not to cry. “You don’t want to be bonded. I get it,” he said. “I should have found a way to stop it. I shouldn’t have trapped you like this. It’s all my fault.”
“It’s not your fault,” I insisted, moving closer to him, like I couldn’t help but go to my omega, throw myself at his feet, and beg for him to tell me what I could do to make everything better. “If anything, this is my fault.”
Linus wasn’t hearing it. He shook his head and took a large backward step. “I’m sorry,” he said, face pinching with tears. Then he turned and ran for the outside door.
CHAPTER TWELVE
