I manage a small, worried smile. Now’s the perfect time to tell him the truth, but the agony on his face is destroying mefrom inside. I just need to say the words.That’s not going to work. I made a deal to go home. You’ll be all alone again.
I can’t. I can’t break him further.
All I can hope is that when he re-ascends, whatever he feels for me will be muted, a distant memory. I want him to forget me, because it’ll hurt him less that way. “Whatever happens, I’m okay with,” I manage to choke out. “I just want you back on your throne, ruling your plane again.”
It’s like he doesn’t hear me. Kalos’s expression remains thoughtful as he considers how he’ll manage a fate for me that will never happen. “I’ll bribe him. Make a deal. Whatever it takes, whatever it costs, it doesn’t matter. Rhagos will see it my way. I know how to work him.”
His gaze settles on me, and he gives me the sweetest, most achingly beautiful smile.
“Then we’ll be together forever, Elsie. Everything will be all right. Trust me. I’ve got you. I won’t let you down.”
I stroke his hair again, aching with sadness. “I know you won’t.”
Chapter
Forty-Four
Inap all morning in the hopes of getting some energy back. I huddle under the blankets, with Kalos’s arms around me, and do my best to keep a stiff upper lip. There’s a soul-deep sadness inside me, the realization that I’m about to lose everything and I’m not ready to go. I don’t want to cry and upset Kalos further, though. He looks devastated enough as it is, and I don’t want to inflict more pain on him.
Is this how David felt every day? I’ve always loved and empathized with my brother, but this gives me new appreciation for his strength. For the courage to get up and face every day even when you feel like absolute hot buttered shit. For putting on a brave face for the others around him. I wish I could talk to him. Tell him how proud I am of him, how much I love him.
How much I don’t regret my choice in the slightest.
Reminding myself that I did all of this—trading worlds, racing about the countryside with Kalos, killing enemies—so he could have another chance.
Actually, that’s a little bit too martyr-ish for even mythoughts. I did it for myself, too. I did it for the opportunity to have an adventure. After years of working multiple jobs with no spare time for myself, it was an escape. And…it wasn’t torture. I hold Kalos tighter against me, pressing my cheek to his chest.
It was the exact opposite of torture. It was incredible.
So I push all the sadness deep down inside and put on a bright smile. I get dressed in the lovely clothes offered to me by the mayor’s wife, and we head out. “The mayor has arranged a carriage and woale for us so you don’t have to walk, Elsie,” Kalos tells me as he takes my hand, tucking it into the crook of his arm. “I’m definitely going to request a nice temple built here to reward how kind they’ve been.”
“That’s sweet of you,” I enthuse, and I’m secretly glad we’re going to get to ride back to the monastery. My legs are aching just from walking through the house.
We head out to the street, where the carriage is waiting. The animal hitched to it is one of the strange-looking land hippos, the woales. Kalos helps me inside the carriage, and it’s small and cramped and I can’t feel the autumn breeze, but I’m too tired to care. I lean back against the hard seat and watch through the window as Kalos speaks with the mayor, who keeps bowing over the god’s hands. I bet Kalos hates that, I think with a smile. He’s tolerating it very politely, though. Maybe he’s changed in small bits after all.
Fala rushes out the door, and I sit up at the sight of her.
She bows in front of Kalos, then straightens to her full height. Her dress is sumptuous, and she’s covered in jewels and gold chains, jingling as she moves. Her heavy earrings glitter in the sunlight as she tilts her face up. “My lord Kalos, my Lady Belara wishes to finish her conversation with you before you go.”
“I’ve said all I want to her,” Kalos replies, pulling his handfree from the mayor’s fawning. He turns to Fala. “You can tell your mistress that I’m not interested.”
Her gaze drops and her lower lip trembles. For a moment, she looks very young. She can’t be more than twelve or thirteen, and I feel a twinge of pity for her. How overwhelming it must be to serve someone like Belara, who bulldozes people to get her way. “My lady Belara will not be happy. She will take it out on the people here?—”
Kalos raises a hand to silence Fala. “You tell your mistress that I have spoken. Tell her if she harms a single one of the locals trying to get my attention, I will return it upon her a thousand-fold. I might not have power today, but I will be back upon my throne very shortly, and I will be there far, far sooner than she will. If she thinks to force my hand, tell her I will make the rest of her Anticipation so intensely miserable that she will wish a thousand times over for mercy. I can make her stay the height of misery. Tell her to just fuckingtryme.”
Fala’s eyes go wide. She nods, her gaze flicking to me inside the carriage, and she races back inside in a tinkling swirl of skirts.
Poor kid.
The journey back to Omos’s monastery is uneventful. I gaze out the window at the winding road through the hills, and the dark smear of the Dirtlands in the south. It would have been interesting to see all of that, I think. Kalos told me there was a glittering crystal palace that floated in the sky there, and that it belonged to the goddess of magic. It sounds fascinating, but I’m too tired. All I want is to relax.
All I want is to stay with Kalos forever.
My head throbs as we pull up to the monastery. Omos rushes out the moment the carriage stops, wearing his beekeeping hat. Dingle prances up to his side a moment later. The goat is wearing a fancy little scarf that matches Omos’scolorful belt, and it makes me so happy to see our pet loved and cared for that I burst into tears.
Kalos carries me inside, and we sit near the fire. The aching tension in my head grows worse, and it’s like now that my body knows there’s a problem, all my systems are shutting down. I feel ancient and tired and achy all over. Kalos takes one look at my tight, pained face and caresses my cheek. The headache disappears, and I sneeze.
A touch of his magic, then. I wonder how long he’s been managing my symptoms and I just wasn’t aware? How many times did I chalk up my lethargy to run-over from his apathy? How did I just not notice any of this until now?
