My head spins as Kalos leads me away. I want to help, but my nose keeps dripping and so I clutch the napkin to it as he hauls me alongside him. We get back to our quarters and he eases me onto the bed, propping pillows up underneath my neck. “Keep this elevated, Elsie. The bleeding will stop eventually.”
“What’s going on?” I ask as he pushes more pillows underneath my head, until I’m practically sitting up. “What are you not telling me?”
His expression becomes so sad that it makes my heart ache. He studies me, tenderly brushing his fingers over my cheek. For a long moment, he says nothing at all. “Elsie…”
He trails off, then falls silent.
“Were you using your powers? Is that why my nose is bleeding and I’m so tired?”
I hate that he still won’t look at me. He reaches for my hand, twining my free one with his. “I’ve fought this for as long as possible. It’s getting to the point that I can’t do much more for you. I’m sorry. My powers are very limited on the mortal plane.”
Fought this…? I stare at him, and it takes a moment for me to realize what’s going on.
Weren’t the nosebleeds an indicator that David’s cancer was returning? Something about getting anemic or lack of minerals or something along those lines. He’d get nosebleeds, and intense fatigue…and headaches.
Oh god. I think about all the times I’ve had a headache, only to dismiss it as Kalos using his powers. The times he’s reached over and touched me, brushing the headache away with a wisp of his magic. “I have cancer, don’t I? Just like David.”
“I don’t know David, but there’s something in you, aye. Something in your brain. I can’t stop it. It’s not the same as cold, or the plague. It keeps coming back, stronger than ever. All I can do is push it down for a day or two, but then it returns, over and over again.” His expression grows stricken. “I suspect being around me makes it worse, not better.”
I should have known. Should have guessed. There’s a knot forming in my throat, but a strange sort of peace is floating through my veins. I was expecting this, I realized. My dreams kept trying to warn me. Every time I was too happy, or filled with hope, they tried to tell me that something was going on. Maybe I’ve known on some subconscious level all along. “I see.”
“I can keep you comfortable, but your strength is not going to return. The nosebleeds will continue to happen. The sickness inside you is only growing with time.”
I swallow the knot in my throat, nodding. “I want to complain that it’s not fair, but none of this is about being fair. It is what it is. I’ve been on borrowed time all along. What happens next, Kalos?”
The bleakness in his expression wounds me to my soul. “I should be thrilled, Elsie. I don’t want to be here in the mortal realm any longer. If you knew what it was like in the aether, in my realm, you’d hate it here, too. But I know how much you don’t want to die. I know how much every breath means to you. I hate this.”
My mouth flattens. I have no words. Just a vague, aching sorrow. Is this all I get? A few months with him and an eternity without him? Somehow, I thought we’d have more time. I lift our joined hands to his cheek, wanting to comfort him. I can see him sagging, as if the weight of my mortality is too much to bear.
He clutches my hand to his cheek, tormented. “This isagony, Elsie. I could save you from this if I was fully restored to my godhood. I’d have that power. But I’m trapped here…and the only way to return to my full status is if you’re gone.”
I want to be selfish. To demand that he spend every last moment with me, at my side. It could take months for me to slowly decline, suffering the entire time. I don’t want that.
Not if I’m supposed to die either way.
It’s better for everyone if he’s restored to his godhood, because then he can start making changes, just like we’d talked about. He can be better to those that worship him. He can help instead of destroy. Disease doesn’t have to be all destruction, like Lachesis said. It can be rebirth, too. A clearing away of the old to usher in the new.
I need to stop clinging to life because I’m scared of what happens next. I shouldn’t be frightened. Meeting Lachesis proved to me that there are gods of all kinds. That we go on after we die.
I won’t be with Kalos, but I can’t have everything. Knowing that I’ve saved my brother and got to spend this time with Kalos, falling in love, helping him succeed…it has to be enough. “Can we make it fast? My death? I don’t want to linger in pain.”
Kalos makes a ragged sound and buries his face in my lap. “Do you want me to do it?”
“What’s the least painful way? Poison? Drowning?” I’m trying to remain calm. I test my nose, and it’s no longer bleeding, so I can finally lower the soaked handkerchief I’ve kept there. “I’ve never died before. I need pointers.”
“Poison,” he says, voice muffled in my lap. His arms tighten around my waist. “There are herbs that will make you feel nothing. Herbs that will make you euphoric. We can mix some of those with herbs that stop the heart.”
“I’d like a cocktail of all of the above, please,” I joke, andfight back tears. “I want to see Dingle and Omos again first, though. Is that all right?”
He lifts my hand and kisses my knuckles, his eyes full of sorrow. “My heart, ask for anything, and I will grant it. Ask me to destroy the world in your name, and I will. Ask me to raze cities in your honor. Ask me anything.”
“I don’t want any of that. I want a quiet day. I want to tell Omos thank you for everything he’s done for us. I want to talk to him about the book and what to do with it. I want to hug Dingle and spend an afternoon in the sunlight in your arms and not think about anything other than being happy.” I stroke his hair, caressing his face, memorizing his sharp features. He’s so beautiful, his eyes full of pain.
I wish I could be at his side when he returns to his job. He needs someone that’s with him, and it seems like the other gods here treat him badly. He needs allies…but I can’t be that. I was sent here for a specific job, and fate is reminding me that I don’t get to ask for more. That’s not how this works.
“I want that perfect day…” I tell him again. “And then I want that cup of poison. I don’t want to let this go on for weeks, or months. If I think about it for too long, I’m going to be scared and sad, and I don’t want to be either. I want to go out having the best day ever.”
“We’ll do that.” He lifts his head, and his eyes are suspiciously wet. Can gods cry? I have no idea, but his sadness makes me ache. “We’ll do everything you want. And when you leave this plane, don’t be scared. You’ll travel to my brother Rhagos’s realm, and you’ll wait for me there. He has a place—the Field of the Forgotten—where those devoted to the gods wait for their god to retrieve them. I’ll be there the moment I return to my place in the aether, and I’ll come get you.”
