“Nope.”
“Are you getting dressed or…?” With an expectant eyebrow raised, Nikolai’s hands waved vaguely in the air.
I know he’s trying to be gentle. I don’t think I’d have known what to say to me either, in his situation. I grimaced. “I’ll get dressed. I’ll meet you downstairs before the car arrives. Half eleven.”
Nikolai nodded once and retreated back into the corridor, closing the door behind him. I let out another sigh and looked around the room. To think, not that long ago, I was contemplating jumping from that window to escape this house. Now, look at me.
Getting homey. Getting comfortable.No, I thought. That was a bitter train of thought I didn’t want to go down right now. I was already overwhelmed with everything else that was going on.
Eventually, as the hands of the clock ticked even further towards eleven, I stood and walked to the dresser. I pulled out a clean bra and underwear and walked into the en suite. In the marble room, I had a quick shower — mostly I stood under the hot water and let the silent sobs course through me, but that still counts — and dried my hair before pulling it up into a simple ponytail at the crown of my head. I put on a smattering of makeup — foundation, dark eyeliner, mascara, a pale pink lipstick — and inspected myself in the mirror.Through everything,I thought.I have gotten myself through everything.
“I can do this,” I whispered to my reflection, as fresh tears budded in my eyes. I dabbed my eyes with a tissue and took a deep breath, letting it steel my nerves before I walked back into the bedroom to the dress.
The fabric was soft and silky, heavy enough that it rippled like shallow waves as I held the dress up to my body. Fortunately, it had enough stretch to the fabric that it didn’t need a zipper. I was glad to do this without calling Nikolai back or getting Heather. I didn’t want company or help right now. I wanted to be alone.
I stepped into my shoes, plain black leather heels, and moved across the room to stand in front of my full-length mirror. Yup, I looked sad alright. Definitely funeral-worthy. I sighed through my nose. I wasn’t sure what was worse: the sadness, the anger, or the numbness? Shaking my head slightly, I made my way to the dresser again. The clutch I’d taken to my father’s funeral was on top of the dresser. I slipped the phone Nikolai had bought me inside it, not that I thought I would need it since I had no one left to call, and headed downstairs at last.
Heather, Nikolai, and Achilles were in the kitchen when I got downstairs. Nikolai was scratching Achilles behind his big, soft ears absently as he read today’s paper on the counter. Heather was clearing up dishes from breakfast. My breakfast had gone untouched. I hadn’t much felt like eating this morning. Achilles stood as I entered, coming to me for attention instead, or perhaps even, in his way, to give me comfort. I crouched and stroked his strong back.
“Achilles, how you doing this morning? Better than me, I’m guessing.” I sighed as I looked into his dark eyes.
I remembered, not so long ago, how he’d terrified me. I’d never had a dog before, so I’d never really understood how a dog could be a man’s best friend. But I got it now.
In the corner of my vision, I saw Nikolai looking over at us. I gave Achilles a watery smile as he sniffed at my face, and then straightened, standing once again.
“What time is the car getting here?” I asked. I knew, of course, that we were getting picked up by the hearse at half eleven but I didn’t know what else to say.
“In about five minutes,” Nikolai provided, folding up the paper and standing from the barstool.
“Would you like a drink before you leave?” Heather asked me, she was kind, I knew. She had been the only person to see me since I sequestered myself away when I found out about Carol’s death. Nikolai? Things were too much - too weird, too complicated, too everything, between us for me to deal with seeing him then.
“No, thank you, Heather,” I said, offering a tight smile. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt so out of place. I was a loose end in need of trimming. Luckily, my awkwardness was ended by the sound of the doorbell ringing.
“That may well be the car if the traffic has been light…” Nikolai said, moving around me and out towards the front door. I turned to follow him, after giving Achilles’ head a last stroke but Heather caught my arm.
“I hope…” She bit her lip, looking almost nervous. “I hope everything goes smoothly for you today, dear. I’m so very sorry for your loss.”
I nodded, suddenly awkward again. “Thank you.”
She patted my arm then and smiled slightly. “See you when you get back. I’ll have dinner on.”
I nodded again as I turned away. At the door to the hallway, in the next room, Nikolai’s face appeared.
“Is it them?” I asked.
He nodded and straightened before walking back out to the front door. I followed him wordlessly. I didn’t have anything to say, and I was dreading the small talk that came before and after funerals. I didn’t know any of my aunt’s friends. Though, I knew she had many. They had organized a wake for her after the service. I had been invited but opted not to go. While it was no doubt going to be bittersweet for them, I knew the whole scenario would just be unpleasantly awkward for me.
The ride to the funeral directors, where we’d meet the hearse with my aunt’s body, was silent. When I saw the casket, I felt a painful lump growing in my throat. I would not cry now. I would not. I clenched my hands into fists, my nails dug into my palms until it hurt. I needed to keep it together.
Nikolai watched silently, in the back of the car with me, as they brought the casket out and loaded it into the hearse. Since I was the only family that my Aunt Carol had left, I had asked him to ride with me. I didn’t want to be in the car alone. Whether or not he noticed that I was barely holding myself together, he didn’t make any indication.
Before long, we were off again, driving in a slow procession to the church. I hated this pace. But I knew this was just the speed hearses went when they carried the burden of a life lost inside them. I took another deep breath and steadied my nerves.
The service at the church was short, so short in fact that I wondered if the people who had come to pay their respects to Aunt Carol thought it was worth the effort. They all joined us at the graveside though, for the second part of the service.
A lot of them, her artistic friends and her gardener friends had brought tokens and trinkets to place in the grave with her or as a memorial on top, next to the headstone. When I saw them, I wished I’d gone by the house, my father’s house, to pick up one of her scarves or one of her gardening tools, justsomething.Something of hers to keep and something of hers for her to take with her.
That was the thought that had tears burning in my eyes.
