“What the fuck! Ellie?”Evan exclaims. I hadn’t even heard him come in, that’s how wrapped up I’d been in my meltdown. To be fair, I hadn’t expected him home for at least another hour. He must have got off work early.
I really don’t know how I got in this position to begin with. I got home from work, plopped myself on the couch and started to break down. I think it’s mainly due to the stress of having so many emotions flying around at once. It’s been a long hard week and it seems that everything that’s been building up has bubbled to the surface. Sometimes a good cry is all you need, it’s essentially a stress reliever.
“What’s happened now?” he asks once my sobs have somewhat quietened. He rounds the sofa to stand in front of me, I can only see the blur of him but I know without a doubt that his face is twisted.
I push him away as I stand up, I need to escape. If he’s going to be arsy with me, he can fuck off too. God! I don’t break down that fucking much. “Really?What’s happened now?If you don’t care, don’t ask in the fucking first place!” I shout as I storm off.
“I’m sorry. You know that’s not how I meant it.” He reaches for me and drags me back into his arms. “I hate that you’re upset. I’ve heard you crying in your room. You can turn the telly up as loud as you want Ellie, it won’t ever be enough to drown out the sounds of my sister crying,” he tells me lovingly as he strokes my hair.
He pulls back to look me in the eye. He’s all blurry from the tears but I can still see the concern etched onto his face.
“Talk to me,” he begs giving me a slight shake of the shoulders.
“I can’t, there’s nothing to talk about.” My voice breaks as I plead him to drop it. There’s so many things making me feel like a bag of shit and they all seem to circle back to Michael. For Evan to understand fully what I’m going through he’d have to know the whole story and the fact is he doesn’t know. If I told him now, he’d hate me forever. He’d hate me for keeping all my secrets to myself, for not trusting him enough to let him in.
“Ellie, I can’t fix the problem if you don’t confide in me,” he says. It hurts because I know he means well.
I shake my head, the tears suddenly halted - scared to fall. I back away, wanting the comfort of a closed door between us. “I’ll be fine. I just need some time is all,” I lie but try to steady a smile to cover it up.
“You’re lying. Why are you lying to me? Dammit El, tell me the fucking truth for once,” he yells at me. I press my back further into my door glad to have the support. I’ve only ever seen Evan this mad a few times before. It scared me then and it’s scaring me now.
I watch with wide eyes as he picks up the empty vase from the oak sideboard and hurls it at the fridge. I’m not sure what he was aiming for but the vase smashes on impact. Glass shards fly all over the kitchen. I start to get the feeling that not all of this anger is directed towards me. But, the only other person who has this much effect on Evan is Katie and she hasn’t been around lat-
Ah.
So maybe all this time when he was asking me what was wrong he wasn’t really asking me but taking out his frustrations instead. Evans heavy breathing makes me look up from the kitchen floor. He’s stood in place, staring at the mess he’s created. His shoulders rise and fall quickly and I suddenly feel sorry for him. He’s in pain.
Evan’s always been so selfless and carefree. He doesn’t ever worry for himself, he always puts everyone before himself. All my life he’s been by my side as my protector, my knight in shining armor. I’ve always come first, to the point where it’s frustrated me on occasion. I hate that my big brothers never had anyone to take care of him.
When we met Katie, I saw the sparkle in his eye. For him to explode like this it has to be to do with her but I can’t fathom what. Evan may have been taken with Katie the first moment they met but she wasn’t far behind. While they’ve always had that connection they’ve never made anything official.
“Evan.”
“Yeah?” His shoulders sag, his voice is strained.
I don’t know what to say yet. If I ask if he’s alright, he’s going to say ‘he’s fine’. If I ask what happened between him and Katie, he’s going to say ‘nothing’. I don’t know how to help him unless he talks to me. I feel my tear ducts opening up, my eyes beginning to mist. My eyes close, my whole body starts to shake.
I don’t know if I’ve ever been so nervous in my whole life.
“I had an abortion.” My voice cracks but it works because Evan finally turns around to face me.
The silence is my only response. It’s the best response I could have hoped for, really. Means this could all just be a dream, that this whole conversation was make-believe. Maybe it’s my sub-conscience bursting with the guilt of keeping this secret from my brother, my best friend.
Evans arms wrap around me, pulling me away from the door. The smell of my brother draws me in giving me comfort. I clutch at his t-shirt as I start crying all over again.
I can’t pinpoint the exact reason I’m crying and that only makes me cry harder out of frustration.
I feel guilt for not telling my brother about the abortion when it happened.
I feel like a shit sister for not noticing sooner that Katie had stopped coming around.
I feel a looming sense of loss over my unborn child.
I’ve kept this bottled up for so long, it brings me relief to know that I don’t have to hide it from Evan anymore.
Our family had always been strongly against abortion, there’s no way I could’ve told them. I understand their reasons, they’re all pretty valid. It’s horrid and cruel. I’d never even thought about it before until I was faced with those two pink lines. At the time, knowing I was going to break up with Michael so he could leave freely, I couldn’t bring myself to keep it.
I wanted it. I wanted that life, Michael and I had had it all planned out. Marriage, a bunch of kids, a house with that white picket fence. But then he got that damn acceptance letter to Princeton. His face lit up like a Christmas tree, it was his dream - to be a Princeton man just like his Grandfather. My heart stopped because I knew I wouldn’t even be able to talk to him about it.
