“When?” Evan croaks, my eyes flicker up to see that his cheeks are wet.
“A long time ago. It was when we were in high school.” My shoulders relax as I let out the breath I’ve been holding. Another reason I’ve avoiding telling anyone about this is because it’s painful to talk about.
Evan’s face tightens again, “Did he force it on you?”
If it were anyone else saying that, that could’ve been taken wildly out of context. Luckily I know my brother like I know my own reflection. “No.”
I let go of Evan, once again, to make my way over to the couch. It’s been a long day and it’s not even over yet. I feel there’s more Evan has to say so I wave him over and start to make myself comfortable against the red leather.
“I didn’t tell Michael. I’ve never told anyone,” I tell him.
“I wish you had told me. You know I’d never judge you,” he tells me honestly.
“I know that now, but I didn’t back then - I was scared,” I admit. The weight of being a scared teenager kept me restricted.
“I hate that you went through that alone while I was prancing around raving about football tryouts.” I can’t help but chuckle lightly. It was only a few days after I went to the clinic that Evan had in fact pranced around raving about making kicker. I think I’ll keep that bit of information to myself though, I don’t want him feeling any worse about something that was in no way his fault.
“I can’t even imagine…” he reaches for my hand, squeezing it tight. I let him squeeze as tight as he needs to, god knows my heart is doing the same thing. “God. I can’t believe I didn’t know. El, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to support you.”
Little does he know.
“You were, actually. It was right about the time that I broke up with Michael,” I tell him. It’s almost fascinating to watch as his mind connects the dots. In truth, I never really told him what happened between Michael and I. It was just a case of ‘we broke up’ and ‘it’s just not going to work out’.
“Was that why you broke up with him?” His inquisitive gaze turns directly to me.
“No. But the reasons I broke up with him are the same reasons why I... didn’t keep the baby,” I say sighing loudly.
He nods thoughtfully. “I never really thanked you for taking care of me that summer before our senior year. You have no idea how much that meant to me. You didn’t know about the baby but you didn’t need to, you were still there for me,” I tell him.
“They were some rough couple of months. It killed me inside that I couldn’t do anything more to help you,” he admits.
“I know, but you did enough.” I pull him into a hug and slump against him. He’s the best twin brother a girl could ask for and I can’t express that enough.
“Don’t ever feel like you need to keep anything like that to yourself again. I’m here for you. Always.” He speaks softly, stroking my hair.
Hmm. And there’s my turning point. I start to see a hint of light at the end of the very dark tunnel we’ve been in for the past hour. I pull back as my thinking hat goes on.
“I hope you know that the same goes,” I point back & forth between us. “Whatever’s happened between you and Katie, it’ll work itself out. The love you guys have runs deep, it’ll withstand this.”
Evan smiles a small smile at my attempt to try and comfort him. I stand from the couch suddenly exhausted. I pat his shoulder as I pass him by, “You know where I am if you want to talk.”
I enter my room and fling myself on my mattress. I can’t be bothered changing my clothes so I kick off my shoes and try to relax into the softness of my comforter. The clock on my bedside table reads close to 6:00PM, I haven’t even had dinner yet but I don’t have the energy to care. Most likely, I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, starving, and go on the hunt for food.
After the last hour, I barely remember that this time last night I was in Michael’s arms. It feels like a distant memory, if it was even real at all.
With my eyes closed, I can hear the soft voices from the T.V. out in the living room, I let it softly lull me to sleep.
* * *
Darkness has takenover my bedroom but sound fills it. My ringtone that jarred me from sleep. My arms flail around wildly, searching for my phone before it wakes up my brother.
I reach under my pillow to find it hidden and about to go over the side of the bed. I have to squint when I bring the phone up to my face, the brightness burns my retinas. ‘Unknown’ flashes on the top of the screen, above that it reads that it’s 1:17AM. Who the fuck is calling me at one am?
No one I wanna fucking speak to that’s for sure.
I press decline but immediately question it, what if the call had been important? Oh well, if it’s important I’m sure they’ll call back.
I drop my phone back down beside me and settle in to try and resume my peaceful sleep. Maybe everyone should cry before they go to sleep, it’s seemed to work wonders for me.
