I turn to walk away.I can’t stand there any longer. I can still feel the heat of Michael’s stare on my back as I move further and further away. It’s only a ten-minute walk home but I already know it’s going to be the longest, most excruciating ten minutes of my life. I hadn’t chosen this spot on purpose, it’s just lucky that it’s close to home. When Michael picked me up for our date tonight I hadn’t known this would be how the night would go. I’d been waiting for weeks for the timing to be right, tonight it had just felt right.
I could feel it as we drove to the cinema, the tension in the car. All throughout the film, I felt sick to my stomach, to the point where I actually wanted the sinking feeling to swallow me whole. I suffered through three hours of nerves before Michael drove me to our spot.
‘Our spot’ I focus on those two words. This won’t be our spot anymore. I probably won’t ever be able to come here again without the memories of the heartbroken look on Michael’s face, or of the pain that’s pounding through my heart.
With the days whizzing by, the countdown was on. It was like there was this massive timer hanging above our heads. Or at least, hanging above mine. I don’t know how Michael felt, or how he thought this would play out, but he must have known that something was wrong. As much as I didn’t want my already made decision to affect the remaining time I had left with my long term high school sweetheart, it has been so hard trying to keep up the facade all this time.
This summer has been the worst, even worse than when my dad walked out on my family. I thought I’d never heal from that pain, that pain of not being wanted by a parent was the worst thing I would ever have to experience.
I was so wrong.
I take it slowly, one step at a time. I knew this was coming, I thought I had prepared myself for it well. Michael’s glistening eyes flash inside my head, I immediately want to turn back and run into his arms.
As much as my heart is breaking I have to be strong. One of us has to. With him going off to college so far away, I can’t be the one to hold him back from living his life to the fullest. I never thought I would be able to do this, I love Michael with all of my being. I thought he was it for me, my one true forever. I still feel that way now which makes this all that much harder.
Usually, when couples break up it’s because of a valid reason; he cheated on her, she is in love with someone else, or simply they’ve fallen out of love. This isn’t the case for us, not at all. When Michael got accepted to Princeton, his dream school, we were over the moon. I was so happy for him; it was what he’d worked so damn hard for.
The questioning voice in the back of my head started to get louder and louder as the time for him to leave grew closer. We’d talked so much about what was going to happen to our relationship, Michael had been dead set on continuing our relationship long distance. I had loved the idea at first but the more I thought about it, the more I realized I’d be holding him back - keeping him tied down.
I continue down the brick-lined path, the trees and shrubbery start to hide me from Michael’s line of sight. I want to look back, but with my face wet with tears I can’t let him see how much this is killing me.
I just need to keep moving, to make it back home. Evan will most liking be waiting for me, as he has done for the past few weeks. I hadn’t needed to say anything, but he knows. Maybe it’s a twin thing, but he does seem to know me better than I know myself.
