His gaze wandered somewhere past the skyline, and for a second, I thought he might say more. But then he just smiled faintly and shook his head. "Never mind."
I leaned forward with a hard stare. "Nope. You don't get to lead in with that and then pretend you said nothing. Out with it."
He hesitated, and I could almost hear the gears turning in his head. "Well... You always dive into things headfirst, but you're not always in them. So maybe you're... I don't know. Maybe you're avoiding what you actually want."
I opened my mouth to respond, but nothing came out. He wasn't outright accusing me of self-sabotage, but I felt a flicker of irritation.
I let out a breath and leaned back in the chair. "I'm notavoiding anything. I just haven't found the right person yet."
His smile didn't quite reach his eyes. "Yeah. Maybe."
I tried not to think too much about what he meant by that. Rowan didn't usually get all introspective about this kind of thing. We kept it easy with banter, sarcasm, and a bit of ribbing. But something in his tone stuck with me. Something I couldn't quite place.
He set his empty bottle on the floor. "Well? What actually happened with Nadia?"
For some reason, that question annoyed me, and I caught myself picking at the label on my own drink. "What do you think happened? Same old story. She said I wasn't 'present' enough."
He didn't seem surprised. "You don't think she had a point?"
"I mean, maybe. But what the hell does that even mean? I was there. I was involved. It's not like I ignored her."
"You can be there and still notbethere," he said quietly.
I glanced over. His eyes met mine in the low light.
"I don't know," I grumbled. "Maybe I'm not cut out for this relationship shit. Every time I think something's going somewhere, it just doesn't."
He watched me for a while, as if thinking through what to say next. "Sounds to me like you haven't figured out what you want."
The way he said it didn't feel like he was just talking about Nadia, but I didn't know how to respond. So I just shrugged it off and downed the last of my drink.
Rowan didn't push it. He just smiled that quiet, knowing smile of his and leaned back in his chair with his eyes closed. He stayed like that for so long I thought he'd fallen asleep.
Then he asked out of nowhere, "You ever thought about leaving?"
I frowned. "What, leaving London?"
"Yeah." He didn't look at me, just kept his eyes closed and resettled to get more comfortable. "You ever thought about going somewhere quieter?"
I let out a dry laugh. "Not really. I mean, it's fine going home every now and then, but I couldn't live there again. I'd lose my mind."
He nodded and opened his eyes. Something flickered across his face, but it was gone too quickly to name. After a while, he turned to look at me with a small smile. "Anyway, thanks for today. I know this isn't really my scene, but... It was good to see you."
I nudged his foot with mine. "Hey, I'm just glad you survived without having a meltdown in the middle of Piccadilly."
He snickered under his breath. "Barely."
We talked for a while longer. Nothing serious, just easy stuff. But I could see the tightness in his shoulders and the way he kept shifting in his seat. Exhaustion had caught up to him, so eventually, we called it a night. He headed for the guest room, and I moved to the sitting room to throw something on Netflix just for the background noise.
But I wasn't really paying attention. Rowan's words were stuck on a loop in my head:Sounds to me like you haven't figured out what you want.
I could only guess what he thought I was missing. But I hated how perceptive he could be sometimes.
Rowan
4
I lay in the guest bed, staring up at the ceiling while the quiet noises of the city drifted in through the open window. Eli was just down the hall, probably flipping through streaming channels or working on something. Restless as ever. And here I was, trapped in the same spiral I always fell into when I visited. Stuck in my own head with no way to shut it up.
