Instead, I curl on my side with my phone clutched tight. The emptiness yawns wide in my chest.
Before bed, I unroll my yoga mat on the floor, trying to center myself. The stretches are familiar, grounding. I move through sun salutations, warrior poses, breathing deep. Yoga can't quite shake the feeling that I'm caught between two impossible things. Two men who want me in completely different ways, neither of which feels complete.
I roll up the mat and tuck it away, no calmer than when I started.
Silas only half-claimed me tonight. He put his arm around me to make a point to Enzo, but didn't actually say anything about liking me or even being able to tolerate me. He's willing to say something to his agent if Enzo's downright rude to me, but that's all.
Money and career and Enzo being Silas's agent still chain him. I feel alone even with the memory of his hands on my waist burned across my skin.
So I do what I do best. When faced with the awfulness of my daily life, I retreat into the world I've created and open the dating app.
I know it's bad, but I need validation.
Yoga4Lyfe
Can I be the worst sexting buddy ever and just vent for a second?
After a few moments, I see the three dots appear. He's typing something.
StatMan12
Hello to you too. Vent away.
The speed of his response warms the frozen, achy placeinside me. He may not really know me, but he's interested in what I have to say. At least, he pretends to be.
Yoga4Lyfe
Sometimes I feel like I don't matter. I'm always on the outside, my nose pressed against the window, trying to figure out how other people make connections.
Dots appear and disappear for a minute. Then:
StatMan12
You do matter. Every filthy thing you say to me, every confession, every want. You're perfect. If I had you in front of me right now, I'd show you exactly how much you matter. I'd worship every inch of you until you believed it.
I hide my face in the pillow, whispering, "Oh God". Heat rolls through me.
Yoga4Lyfe
I had a rough night. Someone said something that got under my skin.
StatMan12
Tell me who. I'll handle it.
The protective tone makes my chest squeeze tight. He can't actually handle it. He doesn't even know who I am or where I live or anything real about my life. The intent behind the words settles something in me anyway.
Yoga4Lyfe
My ex. He always knows exactly what to say to make me feel small.
StatMan12
He's an idiot. You're not small. You're not anything he said you are.
Yoga4Lyfe
You've never met me.
