“You didn’t do anything wrong except trust the wrong people. Gwen fooled me too. She fooled everyone.”
“Not Paige.” I sniffle, drying my eyes with the bottom of my shirt. I sit up. “Paige saw her for what she is from the start. If only I’d listened to her.”
“Don’t beat yourself up. The fault lies with them, not you. You only want to see the good in people, and that’s a wonderful trait.”
“It’s fucking naïve, Mom, is what it is. I’ll never trust anyone again.” Every interaction I’ve ever had with Gwen is now under a microscope, and I think Gwen has been fake with me most of the time.
“Oh, love.” Mom’s eyes fill with tears. “I know this has shaken your faith in relationships, but don’t let what they did change who you are.”
“I wasn’t enough for him. If I were, she never would’ve been able to seduce him.” I avert my eyes, unable to say what I’m really thinking, which is I wasn’t enough for him sexually. Gwen has tons more experience than me, and she clearly used it to turn Callan’s head. He always said our sex was the best sex of his life, but that’s just another lie he told me.
“We don’t really know what happened. Roni is struggling to accept this too. She knows Callan loves you. I think you need to speak to him, face-to-face, and find out what really happened.”
“He doesn’t want to speak to me, Mom. He’s blocked me everywhere. And even if there is more to it, it doesn’t change the fact she’s having his baby.” Tears cascade down my face again. “If it were a drunken mistake and he’d fessed up to it, I might have been able to forgive him. But it clearly wasn’t. Who’s to say they didn’t both plan this from the start?”
“I don’t think that’s true. Why else would he make plans with you for the future?”
“We didn’t know the real Callan, Mom. Or maybe his new celebrity lifestyle has gotten to him. Perhaps Gwen fits that role better than me.”
Somehow, I get through my exams, and I ask Mom if I can stay inMormor’shouse for the summer. Mina offered me my job back at the interior design company, but I’m in no state to hold down a job this summer. I need to go hide where the media won’t find me.
News broke about Callan and Gwen, and when reporters found out she was my best friend, the scandal was delicious. Reporters showed up on campus, at my house, and at the bookstore where I work. One prominent magazine offered me a lot of money for my side of the story, but I immediately turned them down. Interest seems to have died down now, but I don’t want to spend my summer constantly looking over my shoulder. I’ve promised myself I’ll allow myself these few months to deal with my heartache, and then I’m putting it and them behind me forever.
My mom and sisters come with me to Ystad despite my protests. I’d rather lick my wounds in peace, but Mom is terrified I’ll do something to myself. I might be depressed, and sometimes feel like I’m dying, but I’m not going to harm myself. They have taken so much from me already. They don’t get to take my life. I will claw my way back, but for now, I need this.
Dad flies in once a month to see us. He had to stay in Ryemont for work. A friend of Mom’s has taken over the potterystudio for the summer so she can be here with me, and I’m so grateful for her selfless support.
Despite my fighting talk, I’m a mess, and I’m drowning in thoughts I don’t want to be thinking. If it were up to me, I’d just stay in bed crying all summer. However, Mom refuses to let me sink further into depression.
I get up and try to act like a human purely for Mom, Freja, and Alma.
I can’t stomach food, and all my clothes hang off my skeletal frame. Mom finds a bakery selling maple cake in Malmö, and she brings some home, desperate for me to eat something. I have a full-blown panic attack when she hands it to me, and she doesn’t offer it again.
When Mom finds me scouring social media, torturing myself by checking out their profiles and searching articles in the media, she blocks all their accounts and regularly checks my phone. It feels like I’m a little kid again, but I won’t lie and say I don’t need my mother.
Gwen starts sending me nasty messages and pictures from different accounts. The first time, I opened the message without realizing it, and I almost threw up everywhere, staring in horror at the picture of a naked Callan sleeping in bed beside her.
I keep blocking her, but she keeps setting up new accounts to harass me. Every picture and every word are seared into my brain. Each new message is like a punch in the gut, and the betrayal feels fresh all over again. Isn’t it enough that she’s ruined my life? Does she have to keep rubbing it in my face? What did I ever do to her to deserve this?
Grief mixes with anger and humiliation, and I’m back to square one, wondering how the boy who swore he’d always love and protect me could stab me in the back like this.
When I’m not quick enough deleting Gwen’s latest message—one with a link to a prestigious magazine interview where Gwenand Callan announce their pregnancy—Mom swings into action. Tears stream down my face as I examine the photos and read the interview.
There is no mention of me.
It’s as if I never even existed.
The hollow gap in my chest matches the empty ache in my stomach as I cry quietly while Mom speaks to Dad on the phone. Gently, she pries my cell from my hands and keeps the phone for the next couple of weeks. Gwen continues sending nasty messages, which Dad uses to obtain a temporary restraining order. Peter Stevens sends a cease and desist to Callan’s agent and a legal letter to the club, and finally, it stops.
51
ASTRID
“You didn’t miss the signs because you were naïve, Astrid.” Agnetha smiles softly at me. “You loved and trusted him.”
“We’ll agree to disagree,” I tell my therapist, tucking strands of my dark hair behind my ears. I had it dyed and cut a few days ago, and now when I look in the mirror, I don’t see the same me, and it helps.
I’ve been meeting Agnetha biweekly for the past six weeks in Ystad. Mom broke down crying and begged me to go. I didn’t want to worry her any more than I have, so I agreed, and it’s actually helping a little. Talking to someone who doesn’t know me, my ex-boyfriend, or ex-best friend helps. There is no judgment. Agnetha is helping me to dissect it all and examine my feelings, working with me to develop some coping tools for when I return to college in ten days. “Being naïve is my biggest flaw, and I’m determined to eradicate it from my psyche.”
