I race to my room to grab them. Walking into the closet, I deliberately avoid the hiding space where the cartel cell is. I didn’t send the schedules, deleting every pic so the decision is final, and I couldn’t change my mind. Not that I would. It’s the right call. I cannot place anyone else in danger. My stomach lurches as the thought lands in my mind. Sleep evaded me last night, despite the comfort of Cristian’s arms, because I couldn’t stop thinking about those missing women and kids.
I did that.
They are missing because ofme.
I know the cartel has done something to them.
I haven’t eaten anything all day because I’m sick to my stomach thinking of what could be happening to them right now. Maybe they’re dead and I’m an accomplice to murder. I deserve to be locked up because I’ve done everything all wrong. I’ve made the worst decisions, and now other innocent people are paying the price. I’ve considered using the handgun Cristian gave me to end it now, but that’d be the most supremely selfish act of all. Taking my life without trying to right my mistakes would be cowardly, and I’ve got to try to fix things.
Cristian needs to hear the truth.
He will hate me, but he’s the only one who can possibly help now.
Hindsight is torment of the highest degree. It’s easy to look back now and see the situation more clearly. I should’ve taken a risk and told Cristian from the start because the harsh truth is Mom and I were never getting out of this alive. Pablo played me like a finely tuned instrument, pulling all the right strings to make me do his bidding. If I’d succeeded, he still would’ve killed us or used us as cartel playthings until we no longer served any purpose. Our lives were fully over the moment we were kidnapped in Cancun. I know that now.
Bending over, I clutch my aching stomach as wracking pains assault me from the inside.
I’ll never see my mother again, and she’ll have died because of me. Slumping to the floor, I raise my knees to my chest as I stare straight ahead. I can’t even cry. Something intrinsic is broken inside me, and I’ll never be the same again.
All day, I’ve tried to find the courage to tell Cristian, but the words wouldn’t come out. So, I’m giving myself this last night before I bring everything crashing down around us.
The fantasy ends in the morning.
The stakes are too high, and there can be no more delays.
On autopilot, I climb to my feet, retrieve the costumes, and walk back to the playroom.
* * *
“I’m an asonaut!” Elio proclaims, puffing out his chest and glancing at his reflection in one of the silver foiled panels. Thankfully, the costume fits, and he looks so cute. “This is the best day of my life.” Turning around, he throws himself at me, hugging my legs. “And you’re the best nanny ever.” I lift him up, and he circles his legs around my waist and flings his arms around my neck. “I wish you were my mommy,” he whispers before burying his face in my neck and squeezing me tight.
I can’t stop the tears as they silently glide down my face.
Can a broken heart break all over again? Because that’s what it feels like inside my chest right now.
I can’t even see Cristian through my blurry vision to note his reaction. When his arms envelop us in a group hug, I cling to my little family, wanting this to be my reality more than anything. How I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and do everything differently.
“Sloane.” Elio’s cute little voice snaps me out of it.
“Yes, my little prince?”
“Why are you crying?”
I swipe at my eyes as Cristian holds us steady while gently rubbing my shoulders. “Sometimes adults cry when they’re happy, and you make me happy, Elio.”
“Oh.” His brow puckers for a few seconds before smoothing out. “You make me happy too.” He plants a light kiss to my lips before shimmying down my body. “Can we play space station now?” He grabs my hand as Cristian presses a kiss to the top of my head.
“Absolutely.” I dry my eyes, refusing to ruin this last precious night together. Grabbing the remaining costumes from the bag, I thrust one at Cristian. “Time to suit up, handsome.”
* * *
I stare at Cristian in the dark like I’ve been doing for the past few hours since he fell asleep after making love to me several times. He’s so beautiful. The best of men, and I’m so lucky I got to share these last few weeks with him and his adorable son. My biggest regret is never telling him I love him. I couldn’t say it because it wouldn’t have been right, and even if I did, he wouldn’t believe it once he learns the truth. Cristian will doubt my feelings are real, and that guts me because none of it was fake.
Daylight won’t be long now, and the fantasy will be over. I’ve had a taste of how perfect my life could’ve been. It was more than I ever dared to dream of. Hoping for forgiveness is futile, as is hoping Cristian can get my mother out alive. I have missed Pablo’s deadline, and she could already be dead.
My eyes squeeze shut as pain rattles through me, and I curl into Cristian’s warmth in one last act of selfishness. His arms pull me close, even in sleep, and I silently fall apart while he cradles me to his bare chest.
When slivers of light creep through the blinds, I slowly extract myself from Cristian’s safe embrace and pull on my robe. Padding in my bare feet to Elio’s room, I am careful as I open the door so as not to wake him. This little boy has come to mean the world to me, and I am going to miss him badly. Pain ruptures my heart as I kneel beside his bed, snapping a picture of him so I can remember him like this, looking angelic, happy, and peaceful in sleep.
