I was stupid to think I could protect my heart.
She’s owned it from the very start.
And I don’t regret it.
We move as one, and the instant our lips collide, I know I am hers in every single way. Vivien Grace Mills, my beautiful, brave Hollywood, has smashed through the walls protecting my heart, reached a hand inside, and claimed my love for all eternity.
39
AGE 20
As I sit on the deck of Conor’s grandparents’ holiday home in Brittas Bay, I wish the rest of the summer hadn’t gone by so fast. Our time together is almost at an end, and I’m not ready for it.
Viv and I crammed so much in these past few weeks. Camping, swimming, biking, and hiking. Sneaking up Bray Head at night to fuck against the cross. I still get horny thinking about it. Spending three amazing days at Longitude with all our gang, indulging my joint loves—Vivien and music. In between gigs with Toxic Gods, Viv and I traveled the length and breadth of the country on my bike, visiting tons of the main tourist attractions, like the Cliffs of Moher, the Blarney Stone, and Newgrange. We’ve been inseparable, spending every spare moment together. Viv came to all our events and practice sessions, and she’s now as big a cheerleader as Ash is.
Her delight when another A&R scout from a big label reached out was obvious in the extreme. Unlike the last guy who contacted me and then ghosted us, this guy is super enthusiastic, getting back to me within a few hours of sending him our EP and other demo tapes. He’s coming to Ireland in three weeks andplans to catch one of our shows. He sounds really keen, and my brother is practically busting a nut he’s that excited. It feels like it might actually happen for us now, and I’m a little conflicted over it.
We haven’t found an experienced manager, though we did meet with a couple guys Ash found. None of us liked either of them, so we’ve decided to just go it alone for now and see how things pan out.
I’m excited but nervous about the potential outcome for a couple different reasons. And to be honest, most of my headspace is occupied with my girl. My head has been a mess since I admitted my feelings to myself.
I love her.
I truly fucking love her.
I’m completely and utterly head over heels in love with my Hollywood, and I don’t know what to do. I can’t even talk to anyone about it because no one knows my truths. I’m in bits, though I’m able to forget about it when I’m with her and just focus on the here and now. But the instant we’re apart, it’s all I can think about.
I missed her like crazy the week she spent in Cork and Kerry with her parents, Audrey, and Ash, and it’s a taste of what’s to come. Vivien and I argued a lot in the run-up to her parents’ trip. She understood my band commitments meant I couldn’t leave Dublin for a full week, but she didn’t understand my refusal to come for lunch at her place, especially when Ma was going to be there. I felt like total crap telling her I didn’t “do” the parents thing. It’s utter horse shite. If they were any other parents, I’d have been bending over backwards to meet and impress them.
But meeting Vivien’s famous parents was too risky. Viv’s mum was best friends with my birth mum, and our fathers are golfing buddies. They must know Reeve is a twin. They probably also know thatRhettwas adopted by an Irish couple. AlthoughI’ve changed my look, that doesn’t mean they might not join the dots where their daughter hasn’t.
Sometimes, I see Viv looking at me curiously, and I wonder if I have any of the same mannerisms as her ex. She never questions it.Why would she?But her parents might as they have the background knowledge Viv doesn’t.
I agonized over it for days when she first asked me to come to lunch, but I just couldn’t risk it. If Vivien learned the truth from anyone but me, it would definitely spell utter ruination for our relationship.Who am I kidding?Even if I had the balls to confess, our relationship would still be over. She would never believe me now if I told her I don’t give a crap about getting revenge on my twin. All that matters now is her.
I’d give up everything if I just got to keep her.
I don’t need fame or money.
I just need her.
I have wanted to tell her I love her so many times since the wedding, but the words refuse to leave my tongue. I’m out of practice saying them, and I can’t get them out of my head.
Maybe it’s for the best.
She’ll never forgive me.
How ironic that I set out to decimate Reeve’s heart yet it’s my heart that will be left shattered when she gets on that plane and goes back to L.A. I have no doubt he’ll be lying in wait for her, ready to swoop in and pick up where they left off.
I clutch the mug of now cold coffee in my hands, gripping it so tight it’s a miracle it doesn’t break. I feel sick. I want to reset time. To go back and do it all differently. But I don’t have a time machine, and what’s done is done.
I got steaming drunk last night after she sang “She Moves Through the Fair” for me. Jamie said she was practicing it for ages, wanting it to be perfect. She sang like an angel. Sheisan angel.What am I going to do without her?How can I go on withhalf a heart because I sure as fuck know mine will not function properly without her in my life.
Do I take a risk and spill my guts? Put it all out on the table and beg for her understanding and forgiveness? Or do I just beg her to stay because we love one another and this connection we share is too strong to walk away from? Could I be that selfish to ask her to stay when she doesn’t know the truth?I’m scared to answer that question because I’m just desperate enough to do it. I’ve even considered asking her to marry me, but I’ve got nothing to offer her, and I couldn’t let her tie herself to me without knowing the truth. I’m a conniving prick but not that big of a one.
“You’re in pain,” Conor says, easing through the sliding doors wearing black shorts and nothing else.
“It’s that obvious?” I ask, staring out at the sea in the near distance as my introspective bandmate takes the empty wicker chair alongside me.
