“Sorry.” I smirk, giving her thigh one final squeeze before I concede and raise my hand to the table. I won’t apologize for needing her so fucking badly, but I won’t make her uncomfortable either. I’ll just take her to the barn after dinner and fuck her brains out. Lifting the bowl with the potatoes, I pass it to Ciarán. “I get hugely distracted whenever my girl is around.”
“We’ve noticed.” Shane grins, and I brace myself for whatever shite is about to fly from his mouth. “Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I am going to enjoy giving you all the crap you gave me when I fell for Fiona.”
“Stop teasing your brother,” Ma says, smiling widely as her gaze dances between Vivien and me. I thought she was going to burst into song when I told her Vivien and I were officially going out. She’s delighted and not just because Viv is Lauren Mills’ daughter. Mum genuinely loves Vivien. “I think it’s wonderful to finally see Dillon happy and in love.”
My entire body locks up at her words, and panic is instantaneous. I stand and push my chair back. “I need a smoke.” I kiss Vivien once on the lips. “Finish your dinner. I’ll be back.” I storm off without looking back at anyone.
My mind is a cyclone of conflicting thoughts as I stalk through the orchard toward our old play barn. I light up a smoke even though I’ve barely smoked any these past two months. I need something to take the edge off.
I’m not in love with her.
Ma is reading way too much into things.
And putting stupid notions in Vivien’s head too.
Why the fuck would Ma say that?She knows Vivien is going home in August. And she knows I’m incapable of loving anyone. I haven’t been able to tell my own mother I love her since I was a little boy, and she just throws that comment out there? I’m super pissed off with my family. Shane fucking started this with his teasing.Why the fuck can’t they just let me be?
I puff away on my smoke as I near the old play barn, but it does little to ease my agitation.
Pushing into the barn, I’m accosted with a host of old memories and feelings, but that doesn’t even distract me. I trail my fingers along the old leather sofa as my head battles with my heart.
After two more cigarettes, I finally calm down enough to go back to the house. I shouldn’t have walked off on Vivien like that. I don’t care what Ma thinks. She’s wrong. I really like Vivien. A lot. She’s amazing, and I love her company. But I don’t love her. Only an idiot would fall in love with a girl he’s using to get back at her ex.
Conversation trickles out the open back door as I near the house.
“Dillon has been fighting different demons his entire life,” Ma is saying, and I sprint the last few feet as panic threatens to knock me on my arse. “We have tried to support him to the best of our abilities, to let him know how loved and cherished he is, that he’s no different?—”
What the actual fuck?!! “Ma!” I snap the second my foot hits the doorway. “Stop.” I convey everything with a penetrating look, and I know she gets it. She’s my mother. She fucking knows I don’t like anyone knowing I’m adopted. She knows I hate talking about it. She doesn’t need me to tell her not to tell Vivien the truth. She already fucking knows I wouldn’t want that.
“Are we eating dessert or what?” I ask, working hard to maintain a casual demeanor when I’m like an overworked pressure cooker inside, rattling and shaking, ready to explode. Snagging two dessert bowls from the counter, I stride towards the table, thankful I was in time to stop Ma from dropping a bomb.
I eat my crumble and cream on autopilot, faking a disinterested look as I contemplate all my near misses. Mycontacts have fallen out twice in Viv’s bed, and it’s only my quick thinking that stopped her from discovering my natural blue eyes. Ro almost blabbed about my fake look one night at Whelans. I stopped him before he ruined everything, later taking my siblings and my band mates aside to tell them I didn’t want Vivien to know because what’s the point in getting into deep shit when she’s leaving at the end of the summer? Thankfully, they bought the excuse, and no one has broached the subject since, but there’s been a few moments that were definitely touch and go.
I really didn’t think I had to say anything to my family about my adoptive status as they never bring it up in conversation, knowing it’s a touchy subject. So, I’m enraged Ma went there. I know she probably thought she was helping, but she really needs to learn to keep her gob shut.
After dinner ends, I escort Vivien to the barn where I dole out her punishment, slapping her nosy arse before fucking her hard and fast. She asks me again what happened when I was seventeen, and I deflect like usual. The sex helps me to relax, and I’m more chill exiting the barn than when I was entering it.
“Are you okay?” I ask, dotting tiny kisses across her face.
“I’m perfect.” She snuggles against me, and I’m glad things are back to normal.
Pushing her against the wall of the barn, I crowd her with my arms. I press my forehead to hers and close my eyes. Her hands land lightly on my hips, and her touch grounds me. I feel the need to try to explain. “I know I’m not the easiest person to be with,” I whisper, and it’s the understatement of the century.“I know I’m a moody prick, and I have anger issues, but they’re never directed at you.”
“I know.”
I reopen my eyes, shielding nothing, because I owe her for being a dick. “You make everything better, Viv.” I clasp her face in my callused palms. “I never knew it could be like this, and sometimes I’m terrified beyond words.”
“I get that.” She presses a sweet kiss to my lips. “And it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling, Dillon. Just sometimes, I’d like it if you could let me in.”
“I’m letting you in more than most people.” I wish I could tell her everything, but it’s too late now, and whatisthe point when she’s leaving in two months? “I want to let you in more. Just be patient with me.”
“I can be patient.” Her arms wind around my neck the same time she presses her sexy body against me.
We both know time isn’t on our side. I might not be able to give her all my truths, but I can give her this much. “You’ve come to mean everything to me, Viv,” I whisper as we cling to one another. “It’s happened so fast. Like lightning. I didn’t think it would be like this, and it confuses me as much as it makes me happy.” It’s the god’s honest truth, and delving any further into it is a risk I can’t afford to take. I peer deep into her eyes. “Does that make any sense?”
“It makes perfect sense.” She kisses me, and it’s full of emotion I can relate to. “I feel the same way too.”
“I don’t know where we go from here when—” I stop before I say too much. My heart is aching behind my chest, and it’s like someone is stabbing me all over. “I just know I don’t want to stop. I want to keep doing this with you. I?—”
