“I know we haven’t always gotten on, but you’re my brother, and I’m here for you. You can talk to me about anything. I’ll always make time for you, okay?”
I jerk my head in acknowledgment before walking off downstairs.
Ma is standing at the cooker in the kitchen when I walk in. She looks back and stops stirring whatever’s in the saucepan as I walk over to her. I can barely get the words out over the lump in my throat. “I’m sorry, Ma. I didn’t mean it.”
“I know you didn’t.”
I wrap my arms around her. “It’s not what I think,” I whisper. “I don’t know why I said it. I’m really sorry.”
She runs her hand back and forth across the back of my head. “I wish you’d talk to me, Dillon, or talk to someone, anyone. It’s not healthy to bury your feelings inside. They need to come out.”
“I don’t want to talk about it, Ma,” I whisper.
“And that’s exactly why you should.” Her soft tone normally comforts me, but I hate disappointing her, and I know I’m still doing it.
I ease out of her embrace. “You can ground me all year. I’ll take whatever punishment I deserve.”
“One week, and you’ll do extra chores around the house and the farm.”
“Okay.” I shuffle on my feet. “I really am sorry.”
“I know, honey.” She presses a kiss to my cheek. “I love you, son.”
I want to return the sentiment, but the words just won’t come. They haven’t for a few years now.
She puts her hand on my arm. “It’s okay, Dillon. Don’t beat yourself up about it. I just want you to be happy. We both do, and we love you so, so much. I wish there was a way to cut open my heart and show you so you’d believe it.”
“I believe it,” I say even though I’m not fully sure that’s the truth. Some days, I don’t know what I believe.
“You’re so precious to me, Dillon, and I worry about you.” She pats my cheek. “I won’t force you to speak to a professional, but at least speak to your sister or to Shane or even Cillian or Jamie. Don’t let those feelings fester inside you because one day they will explode, and it won’t be pretty.”
4
AGE 14
Ihear the shouting from outside as I walk up Jamie’s driveway, and I inwardly cringe. Fuck. I don’t know how my best mate lives with all the constant arguments. His parents are a bleeding nightmare. A loud noise claims my attention just as I reach the Flemings’ front door, and I whip my head to the side. My eyes pop wide as the sitting room window shatters into pieces and a guitar,a fucking guitar, comes sailing through the broken glass, landing unceremoniously on the overgrown grass of their small front garden. “What in the actual fuck?” I mutter to myself, lifting my hand to knock on the door when it’s suddenly torn open from inside.
Jamie has a face like thunder as he storms outside, slamming the door shut behind him. “I need to get fucked up.”
“Okay.” I look at the smashed guitar as we walk past with pain in my heart. “What the fuck did the guitar do to anyone? That’s messed up.”
“My entire life is messed up.” Jay pulls out a box of smokes, offering me one.
We light up in silence as we walk on autopilot towards the main street to meet up with our other friends. “Wanna talk aboutit?” I run a hand along the back of my neck as I glance at my mate.
He shrugs, pulling a long drag before blowing smoke clouds into the chilly air. “Not much more to say. Same ole shite, different day.” Tension brackets his mouth. “Ma seems especially mad this time, but neither of them will tell me what he did now.”
I zip up my jacket as we turn left onto the path which leads to the main part of town. We puff away as we walk, keeping stride with one another. We’ve both stretched up a lot the past year, and we’re the tallest of our friends.
“Does Shauna know?” I ask. Jamie’s older sister is his only sibling. She’s four years older, and she recently moved to Belfast to study social work at uni, leaving him alone in the hellhole he calls home.
“Doubt it. She took off the second she finished her Leaving, and you know she hasn’t been back to the gaff since. She calls me every couple of weeks, but she never wants to speak to Ma or Da. Not that I blame her. I’d get out now too if I could.”
“You could move in with us.” I don’t know if Ma would want to get in the middle of the rowing Flemings, but she’s fond of Jamie, and he often stays over. I think she’d be open to considering it.
“I can’t leave Ma on her own with him. They’d kill one another.” His shoulders hunch as we approach Byrne’s car park at the top of the road, where the rest of the boys are already huddled together. “Don’t say anything to Cill,” Jay says in a low tone.
“You don’t need to say it. I never tell him the things you tell me.” Jamie is embarrassed, and I’m not one to blab. Cillian doesn’t need me to say it anyway. He’s got eyes and ears. Most everyone in town knows Jamie’s parents have a shit marriage and they should have broken up years ago.
