“Dil,” Ash whispers. “Just agree, and we’ll work on her later or get Da to change her mind when he gets home.” Ash has Da wrapped around her little finger. He’s a big softie when it comes to his only daughter, so it’s possible she’ll work her magic on him. But he’s not due home for another three days, and I’ll go crazy if I have to stay at the farm all that time.
“No.” I shake my head. “I’m not doing it.”
Ma mutters something under her breath. “I’m your mother, and you will not give me cheek, boy.” She waves her finger in my face, and she looks angry again. “Keep this up, and I’ll ground you for a month!”
I don’t know why I say it, but she just makes me so mad sometimes. “No, you’re not!” I shout. “You’re not my real mother, and you don’t get to tell me what to do!”
Tears instantly fill her eyes, and I want to take the words back, but I can’t.
“Apologize, you little prick.” Shane storms up to me, grabbing my shoulders.
“Shane, don’t.” Ma pulls him away. “Go to your room, Dillon. You too, Ash.”
I stomp up the stairs to the bedroom I share with my little brother and slam the door closed. Throwing myself on my bed, I bury my face in my pillow and try to ignore the pain in my chest and the sobs building behind my eyes. I know I shouldn’t have said that. I hurt Ma, and I hate myself. I don’t know why I have these thoughts or why I keep saying horrible things. I hate feeling like this, being like this, but I can’t make it stop.
3
AGE 12
The door opens, and I lift my head as Ash slips into my room. She climbs onto the bed and hugs me, but I push her arms away, sniffling as I sit up against my headboard. “Don’t hug me. Hug Ma. She deserves your hugs, not me.”
“You deserve all the hugs in the world, Dil.” Ignoring me, she moves up the bed and wraps her arms around me as best she can. She rests her head on my chest, and I put my hand on her back. “What you said to Ma was cruel, but I know you didn’t mean it. She knows that too.”
“I can’t stop the crap that comes out of my mouth sometimes. I bet they regret adopting me.” It’s not the first time I’ve thought that.
“Dillon, no.” Ash sits upright, holding my face in her hands. Her eyes are glassy as she stares at me. “Of course, they don’t. They love you. We all do.”
I hold my sister a little tighter. “I don’t know why. I’m always getting in trouble at school. I play my guitar way too late at night, keeping everyone up, even though Ma has told me to stop it so many times. I moan about doing chores all the time, and I’m always sneaking out and usually bringing you with me.”
“You’re a free spirit, Dil, and societal norms are trying to quash your spontaneity and crush your creativity.”
My sister is only a year older than me, and she’s way smarter, but there’s no way she said this. I don’t even know what it fucking means. I arch a brow as I stare at her. “What?”
She giggles. “I heard Shane saying it to Ma and Da last week. He was defending you. I liked the sound of it, so I memorized it.”
“You’re going to rule the world someday, Ash.” I truly mean that.
“As long as I get to do it with you by my side.”
I squeeze her closer, already feeling better. “Try stopping me.”
“Hey.”
We both look up, finding Shane in the doorway. “Can I talk to Dil alone for a bit?”
Ash looks to me. I know if I say no she’ll refuse to leave me, but this isn’t her fight. “It’s okay.”
Ash looks unsure as she looks from me to our oldest brother.
“He’s safe, Ash.” Shane smirks as he moves into the room. “I’m not going to beat the crap out of him though he deserves it.”
I nod because it’s the truth. I have more than deserved it, plenty of times, but Shane has never beat me up. He prefers to annoy the shit out of me using his words.
“I just want to have a chat with him. Man to man.”
“Go. I’ll be grand.”
She hugs me one final time before jumping off the bed. “Go easy on him,” she warns Shane as she passes. The door shuts behind her as Shane sits on the edge of my bed.
