I let her in and snatch the covered plate from her hands, ripping the tinfoil off and diving into the roast beef dinner I so stubbornly left behind. I was just about to order pizza when she showed up. She watches me quietly as I devour my dinner and lick the plate clean.
“How long are you going to stay out here?” she asks.
I shrug. “I dunno. If it had central heating and a shower and a microwave, I’d probably never go back inside the house.”
“I miss you.” She eyeballs me with solemn eyes. “If I promise to not ask you what’s wrong again. If I drop it, can we go back to being friends?” She audibly gulps. “We’re back to school in three days, and I feel sick at the thought of it. I can’t do it without you.”
Instinctively, I reach out and take her hand. “You’re still my best friend. You and Jay. And we won’t leave you to handle CCA alone. We’ve got your back. Always.”
The next few months roll by at a snail’s pace. It’s always the way when you’re itching for something to happen. I can’t wait to finish sixth year, do my Leaving, and then move into town. Simon sends me regular texts warning me to keep my mouth shut, which I ignore. I block his number every time, but he seems to have an endless supply of mobile phones and an annoying ability to send me into a red-hot rage.
I’m still consumed with anger and still struggling to handle all my emotions. The first few months of school are tough. It’s hard to care about something that means fuck all to me. So, I put zero effort in. I show up—because Ash needs me there—but I don’t do my homework, I refuse to do after-school study, and I’m rude to my teachers with zero fucks to give. I’m constantly in detention, and after getting into a fight with Kelly’s brother—when he spoke crap to Ash—I almost get expelled, but Shane manages to talk the school board around. Ash pleads with me not to do anything else, so I suck it up and stop with all the bullshit. She helps me with my homework, and we study together, and I try to keep my nose out of trouble.
I’m still wallowing in pain and self-loathing and still burying it with booze, weed, and birds at the weekends, but I find a way of living with it, and I stop taking my hurt out on my loved ones. Consequently, they stop nagging me to talk, and things settle down at home.
Ma is upset as I gradually ink my body, starting with my arms, and then I get a large tattoo of a scorpion tattooed on my back. It put a considerable dent in my savings, but it was worth it. I researched options for months until I settled on it. The symbolism—determination, rebirth, resilience—resonated most with me. When I look in the mirror, it’s a permanent reminder I can be whoever I want to be as long as I fight those who seek to tear me down. I’m not just the sum of the DNA that flows through my veins. I am my own person, and Simon Lancaster can do nothing about it. He doesn’t control me. I own every part of myself, even the cruel twisted parts, and I alone decide my actions and my fate. Every time I look at the scorpion, it reinforces my determination to fight back. It’s a reminder that one day vengeancewillbe mine.
Someday, somehow, I will pay Simon and Reeve back for the pain they continue to cause me. Someday, they will know whatit feels like. I will find a way to make them suffer, and only then will I fully be reborn.
What’s most important now is when I look in the mirror, I seeme.
I don’t see him.
It feels like the first victory of many.
Christmas comes and goes, and then it’s my eighteenth birthday. I celebrate with the band after our gig in Wicklow on Saturday, and Jamie and I go back to this older bird’s gaff where we take turns fucking her and her friend. Fun times. I stagger home in the early hours, high as a kite and drunk off my face, sporting a happy smile and a smug dick.
I told Ma I didn’t want a party, but of course, she didn’t listen to me. She throws a surprise party on Sunday night with all the family and extended family. Both sets of grandparents are here. Da’s parents traveled up from Kerry for the occasion. They shower me with presents, most of which are cards with cash, which is much appreciated. As everyone sings happy birthday to me and I blow out the candles on the large cake Ma and Ash made, I feel incredibly unworthy and full of shame for how I treated my family last year.
They didn’t deserve that. I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and erase all the cruel things I said and hurtful things I did.
I’m helping Ma clean up the dishes after the party when I finally pluck up the nerve to apologize. “Ma.” I dry my hands on the tea towel after putting the last plate away in the press.
“Yes, love.”
“Thank you for the party and the presents and the cake.”
She beams up at me, her face shining with love. “You’re only eighteen once, and it needed to be celebrated properly.”
I’m not sure I agree. Every birthday feels tainted to me now knowing my twin is in L.A. celebrating his birthday as if I don’texist. I wonder what he got for his eighteenth. Probably a luxury car or an apartment or something ridiculously expensive.
Whenever my mind wanders to Reeve, I think about all the ways in which our lives are different. I haven’t wanted for anything in my life, and I know I have a lot to be grateful for, but it’s not the same as growing up uber rich and having everything your heart desires at the click of your fingers. Resentment bubbles up my throat, like always, when I think about him. My twin has it so easy. He hasn’t had to battle with feelings of inadequacy and rejection for most of his life. He hasn’t had to hear our father say he wishes he’d never been born. He doesn’t live with the guilt that he murdered our mother.
“Love.” Ma cups my cheek. “Where’d you go?”
“I’m here.” I smile, batting my nerves away as I tentatively hug her. “I’m sorry, Ma,” I whisper as her arms automatically go around me and she squeezes me tight. “I’m sorry for everything.”
She chokes on a sob, and I hold her closer. “I know you are.”
“I didn’t mean any of those shitty things I said. I hate myself for being so cruel to you and everyone.”
Tears cling to her lashes as she clutches my face in her hands. “All that matters is you’re back to yourself. We were so worried, Dillon. I woke every morning not knowing if I’d find you the way you found Ash.” Her voice cracks, and tears spill down her cheeks. “Knowing your kids are hurting and you can’t do anything to help is one of the most soul-crushing things to endure. I feel like I failed both of you, and?—”
“No, Ma.” I shake my head. “You didn’t fail me or Ash. I was the one who failed you. It won’t happen again, I swear, and I never once thought about ending things, so put that worry from your mind.”
It’s the truth. I won’t give Simon and Reeve Lancaster the satisfaction of wiping myself from this planet. That’d make it too easy for those pricks. Besides, after everything that happenedwith Ash, I could never put my parents and my siblings through it again. I’m embarrassed I caused them more pain when they were still dealing with the aftermath of Ash’s pain. My sister is doing much better now, though she’s not fully back to herself, but she’s turned a corner, and we’re all relieved.
“I just want you to be happy. Health and happiness is all I want for my kids.” She brushes her fingers through my lighter-colored hair. She’s gotten used to my look, though she’s still not a fan of the ink or piercings, but she’s stopped giving me grief about it. “Are you happy yet, Dillon?”
