She hands me the envelope. “Your Auntie Eileen left that for you.” Tears fill her eyes again, and I pull her into an awkward hug.
“I still can’t believe she’s gone,” I say. Ma’s only sister died last year from cancer. She worked for an adoption agency in London, and I’m here because of her. Auntie Eileen never married, and she came to us for Christmas every year, but I can’t say we were especially close. That said, Ma has been really upset since she passed, and we’ve all been trying our best to comfort her.
“Nor me.” She smiles through her tears as we break our embrace. “I never thought my younger sister would go before me. She still had so much living to do.”
I hand her a tissue from the box on my bedside locker.
“Thanks, love.” She dabs at her eyes and blows her nose before tossing the tissue in the bin. “Your aunt left instructionson how to find your bio parents, should you want to,” she tacks on the end when I open my mouth to protest. “You need to be eighteen to get your original birth certificate, but her friend at the agency will personally handle your case. You can reach out to her next year, and she’ll explain more.”
“They didn’t want me,” I hiss. “Why the fuck would I want to find them?”
“Dillon.” Ma holds my hand tight. “Your mother died giving birth to you, love.”
“What?” My entire body goes into shock.
“Your parents were American, and they were married. Your mother died, and I suppose your father didn’t feel like he could care for you on his own.”
I just stare at her, and the words float around my head, not fully landing.
“That’s as much as I know,” she says, answering the question before I’ve asked it. “They don’t give you specifics on purpose.”
“I’m American?” I blurt.
“You’ll always be Irish to me, but technically, yes. I’m guessing you’ll be able to get an American passport after you turn eighteen should you want to.”
“I don’t have any plans to do that or to lookhimup.” In some weird way, it actually helps knowing my bio mother didn’t give me up. It hits differently when it’s your mother.
“Grief is a powerful emotion,” Ma says. “I’ve often wondered if he regretted the decision he made.”
A harsh laugh erupts from my chest. “It can’t have been much of a marriage if he gave up the last remaining piece of his wife on this earth.”
“I’ve thought that too, but we don’t know the circumstances. Perhaps he couldn’t afford to raise a child on his own. Maybe he knew the best option for you to grow up with love was to give you away. There could be any number of reasons.”
“Well, I guess we’ll never know because I have zero interest in looking for a man who didn’t want me.”
She runs her fingers through my hair. “That’s your choice, Dillon. I just want you to know should you change your mind, at any time in the future, we’ll support you. Don’t hold back out of fear of hurting us.”
I’m not lying when I say I don’t want to find my bio dad. He’s a dick, and I want nothing to do with him. But I would be lying if I said I hadn’t thought of it from time to time. The other reason I won’t ever look for him is Ma and Da. I couldn’t hurt them like that. I have messed up so much with my parents, but I never want them to feel like they’re not enough for me when they’re everything.
I would have nothing if they hadn’t stepped up, and I owe them so much.
More than this sorry pathetic excuse of a son they’ve ended up with.
The least I can do is honor them by not seeking out the man who threw me away like I was nothing.
She places a soft kiss on my cheek. “We’re secure in our love for you and your love for us, and whatever you need, you’ve got it. All I ask is that you tell us before you begin the process.” She places the envelope into the drawer of my locker. “Keep that safe. In case you change your mind.”
“I won’t.”
She smiles, squeezing my hand again. “You’re young, Dillon. There is plenty of time to think about it.” Leaning in, she kisses my brow. “You should rest before dinner. I know you’re having trouble sleeping.”
“I’ll try.” I crawl under the covers, and she tucks me in like she used to when I was little. Her adoring gaze warms all the frozen parts of me as she sweeps my hair back off my forehead.
I love you.
My heart is bursting with everything I feel for my ma, and I want to tell her. I know how much it would mean to her to hear me say these words after so long, but they just won’t come out. Whatever is broken inside me shows no signs of healing. Pain comingles with regret, frustration, and disappointment. I want to be so much better for my mum, but I don’t know how to fix this.
“Okay, love. Rest. I’ll send Ro to get you when dinner is ready.” Releasing my hand, she stands and walks towards the door. Ma stops and turns around, smiling softly at me. “I understand why you don’t want to meet your biological father, but I have always been so grateful to him.” Her eyes turn glassy. “You wouldn’t be my son if he hadn’t made that decision. My life would be infinitely less bright if he’d made a different decision. I don’t know if that helps or hurts, but I just wanted you to know.”
