I scoot up the bed, resting my back against the headboard as Ma sits on the edge of my mattress. Her hand lifts to the purple-black mess that is my current face. With gentle fingers, she tips my chin up, examining my swollen nose. It’s broken in three places, but thankfully, there isn’t serious damage, and it’ll heal in a few weeks. I’ve been icing it and taking paracetamol for the pain. At least I don’t have a broken jaw like Ross Kenmare. He needs surgery, and he’s been told it could take up to six months for his jaw to fully heal. Fucker won’t be able to speak for a fewweeks, and I’m betting the whole of CCA is secretly patting me on the back for putting that dickhead in his place.
How was I to know Megan was lying when she said her and Ross were on another break? Those two are as on-again, off-again as Cillian and Ash. I never would’ve fucked Megan if I’d known she was still with Ross. I’m an asshole, in many ways, but I don’t tolerate cheating, and I’m pissed Megan lied.
“Is it still hurting?” Ma asks, yanking me out of my head.
“Nah,” I lie. “It’s not too bad.” It’s worse at night when I lie down, so I haven’t been doing much sleeping. It’s just as well I’m suspended from school for two weeks.
“Your father and Shane met with Ross’s parents, and they’ve agreed to drop all this nonsense talk of suing you.”
“I wasn’t worried.” I run my hands through my messy hair. “He hit me first. It was self-defense.”
“I know you didn’t have a choice, but you broke his jaw, Dillon, and he’s facing months of recovery time.”
“Maybe next time, he’ll shut his stupid gob.” My fingers fist the duvet as I recall our argument. I said some horrible things about Megan that weren’t nice, but the dickhead was making out like I took advantage of his girl when the truth is she was the one who initiated sex. He hit me when I said it wasn’t my fault his bird was a cheating slut, and I laughed until he started spewing personal shit about me.
Everyone knows you fuck around ’cause you’ve got mommy issues.
Poor little Dillon, his real mommy and daddy didn’t want him, and now he’s looking for someone to love him, but no one gives a shit.
Everyone knows the O’Donoghues only took you in out of pity.
Girls only want you for one thing.
No one wants to keep you because you’re damaged goods, O’Donoghue.
You’re a pathetic loser.
We were punching one another in between his insults, but things took a serious turn when he slammed my face into the wall and busted up my face and broke my nose. Rage, unlike anything I’ve felt before, consumed me, and I grabbed his head and bounced it off the wall like a fucking ball. It’s a miracle I didn’t kill the fucker.
“Love.” Ma’s hands are warm against my cheeks. “Talk to me, please.”
“That prick deserved it, and I’m not sorry.”
“Violence is not the answer, Dillon. Ash told me the things he said, and it’s unforgivable, but you should have walked away. Ignoring bullies is the best way to handle them.”
“I’m sixteen, not six, Ma. The only way to handle bullies is to beat the shit out of them.” Pain flares in her eyes, and I hate I’m so often the cause of it. “You should’ve given me back when you had the chance.”
“Don’t talk rubbish, Dillon. You were not a choice. You were fate. The moment I held you in my arms, you weremine, and that hasn’t changed.” She moves in closer. “You were always meant to be with us, and as long as there is air in my lungs, I’ll never stop trying to prove that to you.” She places her hand over my chest. “You’re as much mine as Ro, Shane, Ciarán, and Ash are, Dillon. There is no difference in my heart. What can I do to make you believe that?”
Tears well in her eyes. “You’re my son, and I love you so damn much. It breaks my heart to see you hurting yourself with false truths. You are loved. Wholly and completely. There might have been moments where I’ve wanted to give all of you back at some point, but I wouldn’t trade you or your siblings or our family for anything.”
I wipe a tear from her eye. “Don’t cry, Ma. You know how much I hate it.”
“I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. The way we all see you.”
“I cause you nothing but trouble and pain.”
A sob rips from her mouth. “That is not true. You’ve always had so much spirit, Dillon. You’re so full of life, but you feel things so deeply. Deeper than any of my other kids.” She pats my chest. “You take things to heart so intensely. It can be a good thing and a bad thing. You’re too stubborn for your own good, but you have the biggest heart. The way you care for your brothers and sister is beautiful. You moan about doing chores, yet you’re the first one to lend a hand when your da or me needs it. I don’t like you fighting, but you’re always fighting for the underdog or defending yourself or your siblings. You don’t look for trouble, son, it just seems to find you.”
“I’m sorry for always causing problems for you.” I avert my eyes, staring at the duvet as that empty void inside me grows wider. I hate disappointing my parents, and I’m always doing it. I wish I was more like Shane or Ciarán or Ronan. Ro is a little mischief-maker, but everyone loves him, and he never resorts to using his fists if he gets in a fight. Ash and me are the temperamental ones. Even if she’s gotten into a few scraps herself, she’s got better self-control than me. I’m the only one they’re constantly called into the school office over. I know what Ma believes, but the truth is, their lives would be much easier and less stressful without me. They did this good deed, taking me in when my bio parents didn’t want me, and all I do is repay them in stress.
Some days, I really fucking hate myself. I wish I wasn’t like this, but there’s some self-destruct button inside me I can’t help pressing. The only time I truly feel at peace is when I’m with theband, songwriting, or playing my guitar. Music soothes my soul when little else does.
“Look at me, son.” She takes my hand and forces my gaze to hers. “I wouldn’t change a single thing about you, Dillon. You coming into our lives was a blessing. There is so much good in you and so much talent. I am proud of the man you are becoming.”
“You cannot mean that.” I point at my face. “Look what I did! I nearly got kicked out of school. I let my temper and anger take control instead of walking away and ignoring the prick.”
“I’m not happy about the fighting, you know that, Dillon, but it only defines you if you let it. I know you don’t want to talk about this, but we’re going to. You are internalizing all your feelings, and it’s not good for you, son. You’ve got to let it out. I know your music is an outlet, and it’s wonderful you have that, but you need to voice your feelings to deal with them. Shoving them into the furthermost corner of your mind is not healthy.”
