“I think this was a mistake, Garrick. I only seem to make you angry, and you make me sad. I’m not sure we’re good for one another at all.”
Panic flares in his eyes, and he grabs my hands. “I’m sorry, Stevie. I’m so sorry. It was inappropriate and selfish when you’ve made your feelings clear. I just love you so much, but I know I need to get over it. But please don’t abandon me. You’re all I’ve got. I can’t lose you.”
“I’m not all you’ve got, Garrick. You have other people who love you. Like your father and Dawn and the twins. Like Hudson and Helena, and I hear Will and Ellen paid you a visit.”
“I’ll move back to North Bend,” he blurts. “It’s this house. Mom has been a bitch to you, and I know it must be hard coming here. I’ll move back home, and everything will be easier then.”
“I think you should move back home, but don’t do it for the wrong reasons.”
“Don’t leave me, Stevie. Please.” It’s hard to deny Garrick anything when he looks at me with those big hazel eyes and so much longing on his face.
I lean in and hug him. His arms go around me, and he holds me close.
Some days, I wish I did feel the same way about him because it would make these visits easier. This isn’t the first day he’s accused me of not being with him because he’s in a wheelchair, and that guts me the most. I don’t see the chair when I look at him. I see the man. If I still loved him, I would be with him as his lover and his life partner, chair or no chair. I would never walk away from him because he’s paralyzed. I am not that kind of woman.
I am not with Garrick now because I don’t love him in that way anymore. I would never admit it to his face because it would be cruel to do so, but the love I shared with Garrick pales in comparison to the love I shared with Beck. Now I know what it’s like to love and be loved like that, I cannot go back. I cannot force myself to feel things for Garrick I no longer feel.
It would be easier for everyone, in a way, if I did, but I don’t.
I can’t spell it out like that to him because I could never be that selfish or hurtful.
I ruffle his hair before pulling away. He tries to cling to me, but I don’t let him even though it tears strips off my heart to not give him the things he clearly craves. “I do love you, Garrick. I wish it was in the way you want, but I won’t lie to you. I care about you so much. Your happiness means everything to me, but you can’t rely on me for it.”
“I wish I had a time machine,” he says in a sad voice. “I wish I could rewind time and go back and do everything differently.”
“We can’t look back, Garrick. Only forward.”
“I’m trying.” He squeezes my hand.
“You’re doing amazing, and you have to remember how far you’ve come.”
He nods, and we are quiet for a bit. “How come you’re here?” he asks as if just realizing it’s early for me to visit.
“I got fired,” I admit, flopping onto the couch.
“Your boss is a bitch.”
“She’s really not. I would have fired me a long time ago.”
I have been distracted and absent for months. My boss has been more than patient and fair. It’s why I didn’t even attempt to protest earlier when she told me to pack up my stuff. I should be upset, but I can’t find it in myself to care, which is a common theme with me these days. Life is dull and bleak and lonely without Beck. I hope, wherever he is, he’s doing better than me. At least one of us deserves to be happy.
“I think we should focus on the positives.”
I arch a brow. “Such as?”
“You have more time to spend with me.” His dimples make an appearance, and I can’t help but smile.
“Not really, but it’s a nice thought. I’ll have to start job hunting immediately.”
“Whatever for?” His brow scrunches, and I crank out a laugh.
“For money, Garrick. I have rent to pay and utility bills.” And a therapist I need to keep on speed dial.
“You’re being ridiculous. I have enough money to support us.” He takes my hand and lifts it to his lips. “I’ve got you covered, babe.”
I sigh, wondering what else I can do to get through to him because he can’t keep deluding himself. We aren’t a couple anymore, and we won’t ever be again. I just wish I knew how to get that message across because he’s not listening to me, and I can’t do this for much longer.
ChapterEighty-One
