He shakes his head, looking so sad it makes my heart ache. “No, babe. I’m not mad at you.”
Looking down at my lap, I nibble on my lip, trying to pluck up the courage to tell him the rest. “There’s more,” I whisper, and he turns rigidly still. When I lift my head to stare at him, I can tell pain is transparent on my face. It’s flaying me on the inside, filleting me from all angles and impossible to hide.
Jared’s face bleaches of color as he patiently waits for me to spit it out, already understanding this is going to be bad.
“Dr. Mulligan violated me.” I clutch my throat and dig my nails into my flesh. “I had to return for a few checkups. He said it was to ensure I developed okay because I’d had an abortion so young.” I bark out a bitter laugh. “I couldn’t understand why I was always drowsy and confused when I returned from those appointments or why I couldn’t remember anything.” I briefly close my eyes as the images flare in my mind. “At my third checkup, I woke up in his office to find two strange men standing over my naked body groping me. I was on the bed with my legs in stirrups, and one man had his fingers inside me while the other man was fondling my breasts.” I wrap my arms around myself to ward off the tremors overtaking my body. “Dr. Mulligan was filming it with a camera on a tripod.”
Jared’s Adam’s apple bobs in his throat, and he’s digging his nails into his palms so hard beads of blood bubble to the surface.
“My head was fuzzy, and my limbs wouldn’t cooperate properly, but I knew what was happening. They hadn’t strapped me down, and I went crazy. I grabbed the speculum on the table beside me and stabbed it in one of the men’s cheeks, then I overturned the table, and I was screaming and making as much noise as I could. His secretary burst into the room, and I could tell she was shocked. The two men fled through a side door, and I heard her threatening the doctor. My adrenaline rush disappeared then, and the next thing I remember is Dad carrying me out of there.”
“Please tell me he murdered those sick bastards.”
Another harsh laugh bursts from my mouth. “He didn’t believe me.”
Jared’s head whips around. “What?” he says through gritted teeth.
“I told him what happened, and he told me I must have imagined it because I was drowsy. He brushed it off completely. Said I should just put it out of my mind because it hadn’t happened. I told him the secretary would corroborate my story, but he said she had moved overseas.”
Jared stands and grabs fistfuls of his hair. “I swear to God, Sydney, if your father set that up, he’s a fucking dead man. I don’t care if I do time for it. Herman Shaw is going to pay for this.” He falls to his knees in front of me, crying. “I hate I wasn’t there for you. If I’d been there, none of that would have happened.”
“Don’t do that. Don’t blame yourself. The only ones to blame are my father, the doctor, and those despicable men.” A shudder works its way through me, and I hug my body tighter. “I wanted to die, J. I had no idea what those men had done to me or what videos existed or how many other sick pricks had watched me being violated while I was unconscious. I don’t know whether I was raped or not. I don’t know what happened. I go through phases where I consider it lucky I don’t know, and then other times, I think it would be better if I did. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I’ve imagined. I turned to drugs and drink because I couldn’t live with myself. I had lost you, had our baby stolen from me, and I’d been sexually abused, and my father wouldn’t believe me. I didn’t want to live. I pushed myself to extremes, and the more it angered and worried Herman, the further I pushed it. I did shit to embarrass him on purpose, like shoplifting. I lashed out physically. I got in fights with girls at school. I punched my brothers when they tried to intervene.”
I slide to the ground beside him. “I slept around, and I felt nothing. I was numb when guys were inside me. It took me a long time to find any enjoyment in sex.”
“That’s how you ended up with Vil.”
I nod. “That wasn’t an isolated incident. I regularly woke in strange houses, in strange beds, with strange men. After I almost died that time in college, Herman took matters in hand. He had a full team of bodyguards shadowing my every move. He took all my bank cards off me and only gave me the bare minimum. Everything else was purchased for me by his secretary. He arranged it so I finished my degree online, isolating me from the campus and my friends. After that, I had a succession of shitty jobs I kept getting fired from because I didn’t give a fuck about anything. I was clean then but still so empty inside. Forcing me to marry Sawyer was the last straw, but I had no choice. It turned out to be a good thing though. Sawyer helped set me free.”
I wipe the tears from his cheeks. “I’ve only felt like I’m truly living these past few years. Before that, I was in hell. Even though I was happier, a hollow part inside me still remained because I’d lost you and our baby. I think I’ll always have that empty part inside my heart, but it’s better now I have you back.”
“Jesus, Syd.” He presses his brow to mine. “I had no idea. While I was out there living my dream, you were trapped in a nightmare.”
“I don’t blame you for any of it anymore, J. I hated you for a long time, but now I know the truth. I blamed me for a lot of it too. I had choices to make, and I made the wrong ones. I could have chosen a different path, and maybe Herman wouldn’t have been so controlling if I hadn’t gone off the rails.” I shrug, feeling lighter even as I feel weighed down with emotional trauma. “But I can’t turn back the clock. Years of therapy have helped me to deal with my emotions and own my mistakes. I won’t ever forget our baby or the things done to me, but I can’t dwell on them any longer. It was eating me alive. I try to focus on the present and take it one day at a time.”
I run my fingers through his hair, smiling softly. “I’m yours, and you’re mine, and that’s all that matters to me now. I want the past to stay in the past because it’s the only way we’ll have that future we always talked about. I know you’re in shock. It’s been a lot to take in. I know you want to hurt Herman. To make him pay. I did too, for a long time, but it won’t help. It can’t undo the things done to me. I chose to let it go and focus on healing instead. My father will die a lonely old man in his bed, and that bastard doctor got what was coming to him.”
Jared’s eyes pop wide in silent question.
“He died in a fire years ago. It made the headlines, and I remember partying that night and celebrating his death.” I rest my arms around his neck. “Karma definitely worked in his case.”
“Herman has a lot to answer for,” he says through gritted teeth as he hauls me into his lap.
I go willingly this time. “He does, but we need to leave it in the past; otherwise, we won’t ever let go.” I brush my lips against his. “I want to move forward with you, not back, Jared. Nothing good would come from confronting my father. The bastard will rot in hell for his sins, and I’ll be celebrating the night he dies too.”
ChapterThirty-Three
Sydney
Iblink my eyes open as daylight slips through the cracks in the blinds in Jared’s bedroom. We were both too upset last night to part, so I didn’t raise any protest when he took my hand and led me upstairs. Nothing happened. He didn’t even get the massage I’d offered. Instead, we fell asleep under the covers wrapped up in one another, and we’ve barely stirred all night.
Jared is still out cold, and I rake my gaze over him slowly, noting the bruising shadows under his eyes and how it looks like he’s frowning even while sleeping. He’s been under so much stress lately, and he’s carrying too much on his shoulders. I know he’s going to take what I told him to heart. To blame himself for failing me. I wish I could help to alleviate it, but he’s got to work through it himself. I’ve had years to come to terms with the forced abortion and the subsequent sexual assault, and I still have bad days, so I know it’s not easy.
Jared is a protector, and he’s going to be hard on himself. It doesn’t help he’s expecting a baby with a woman he can’t stand. I’m sure it’s all playing on his mind and he’s wondering why our baby was taken when he’s having a baby with someone who doesn’t seem to want the child except for how she can use her son to manipulate Jared into doing her bidding.
I wish Vittoria Russo was wiped from the planet.
She’s a scourge, and if she thinks I’m going to sit back and let her threaten my boyfriend again, she has another think coming.
