I don’t want to know what shit is being spouted about the band, and I have never searched for Sydney for fear of what I’d find. If she’d still been with Vil, I didn’t want to know.
It can’t hurt me if I’m not privy to the facts.
It was a stupid strategy. I’ll admit that now. I should have checked. Then maybe I’d have had the balls to go find her.
It’s easy to blame our families for ruining our relationship, but we both let it go without checking up on one another after we became adults.
I try not to harbor regrets, but I regret not going after Sydney.
She tears off pieces of croissant, popping them in her delectable mouth as she waits for me to explain about my ex.
“My relationship with Vittoria was one of convenience,” I admit, sipping my coffee in between talking. “My publicist, Amanda, suggested it. She knew I was fed up with the scene, yet I needed dates for events. Toria was, at that time, friends with the daughter of a woman who is like a sister to my publicist. Liza asked Amanda for help in launching Toria’s fledging modeling career. It seemed like a win-win. She’d get noticed on my arm, and I had a steady date when I needed one.”
“You were clearly sleeping with her,” she says, putting her empty glass down. “So, it obviously became more.”
“Not really.” I shift on my seat, crossing my ankles at my feet. “We fucked whenever we saw one another which was usually a couple of times a month. It meant nothing to me. I know that sounds harsh, but it was just sex.” Average sex, at best. Looking back now, I don’t know why I even bothered. “I didn’t have any romantic feelings toward Toria. Back then, she seemed sweet, but I know now it was all an act.”
“Did she catch feelings for you?”
“Honestly, I don’t know.” I scrub a hand down my face. “She says she did, that she does, but she’s a pathological liar, and I don’t believe a word that comes out of her mouth anymore.”
Sydney is quietly contemplative. “You let the media think you were engaged on purpose.”
I nod. “I didn’t care either way, and it was fantastic for Toria’s career. Bookings were flying in, and she was in high demand. That’s when things started to change. I’d been on tour for months. We were in Europe first before coming home for the US leg. Toria flew in for a gig in Sweden, but I didn’t really get to talk to her. It was a flying visit, purely to feed the media machine. She made more of an effort to visit when I was back on US soil, and she was different.”
“In what way?” Sydney asks, wiping bits of pastry off her fingers onto the plate.
I fucking love she has an appetite and she’s not afraid of eating in front of me. Just goes to show how much of Toria’s bullshit I’ve had to deal with over the past two years. “She was demanding and very vocal if she didn’t get her way. She talked down to people. Said nasty, hurtful things. Whined if I didn’t drop everything when she wanted me. Expected expensive gifts and for me to pay for everything. Flirted with other guys in front of me and then got enraged when I wasn’t jealous.”
I wasn’t even fucking her much back then, the novelty having long since worn off.
“When she suggested she move in with me, as if we were in a permanent relationship, I knew it was time to cut her loose. The day I went to break it off with her was the day she told me she was pregnant.”
Sydney’s eyes pop wide. “And you proposed to her?”
“Yeah. It was a stupid move. To be fair, I was completely caught off guard, and I did what I thought was the right thing. I knew almost immediately I’d made a mistake, but I thought I should follow through to give my son a chance at a proper family life. But I couldn’t tie myself to that woman in marriage. I can’t stand to be in the same room as her, let alone share a bed. We haven’t even fucked since we got engaged.” It’s not for lack of trying on her part.
“A son? You’re having a boy?”
“Yeah.” I can’t keep the smile off my face. “We found out recently.”
“That’s…congrats.” She forces a strained smile before averting her gaze, staring out at the ocean.
Pain pounds in my chest. “I know it’s hard, but—”
“There are no buts, Jared.” Sadness splays across her face when she looks back at me. “How would you feel if I was currently pregnant with another man’s child?”
I gulp over the lump in my throat. “I would hate it. I would hate it wasn’t mine.”
Tears cloud her vision, and I hurt because she hurts. “Exactly,” she whispers.
“I wish it was you.” I thread my fingers through hers. “I wish that so bad.”
“Yeah.” She pulls her hand back, swiping at a lone tear that falls from her eye. “I wish it was too, but it’s not, and there isn’t anything you can do to change it.”
“I want you back, Syd.” I lean toward her. “I know this isn’t ideal, and I know it’s asking a lot, but I need you in my life. I’m done living without you.” I take both her hands in mine, going out on the ultimate limb.
Go big or go home, right?
