Catarina
“What did you two talk about?” I ask Nic twenty minutes later as we jog at a leisurely pace alongside the shore.
“You, mostly.” I implore her to continue with my eyes. She slows down to a walk. “I got the sense he was fishing for information.”
My heart splutters as I stop, tucking stray strands of wispy hair back into my ponytail. It’s a fabulous day, but it’s always breezy by the ocean. “About what?”
“Your parents.”
Something clicks into place in my brain, and all the blood leaches from my face.
“I didn’t tell him anything!” Nic blurts, misreading the alarm on my face. “I stuck to the story about your mom dying during childbirth and your dad raising you alone.”
“Oh. My. God.” I bend over, placing my hands on my knees, hoping to offset the dizzy spell and the anxiety waiting in the wings. “Oh my fucking God.”
“What is it?”
I straighten up, gulping. “I fucked up, Nic.” I bark out a laugh. “I’m such an idiot!” I repeatedly slap my palms against my brow as my bestie watches with concern in her eyes. “I made him breakfast, and when he asked where I learned to cook, I told him my mother.”
Her eyes pop wide. “I can’t believe you slipped up. That is not like you at all.”
“See!” I wave my hands around. “I knew this would happen! Getting close to him is a mistake! I’m lowering my guard without even realizing it. Fuck!” I shout as a tight pain spreads across my chest. “He’s making me feel things, Nic, and this is all so fucked up.”
“Sit with me,” she says, lowering to the sand. I watch in a kind of numbed daze as she unties her sneakers and rolls her yoga pants up to her knees. She scoots forward on her butt, letting the gentle waves lap over her feet.
Snapping out of it, I mirror her position, removing my sneakers and placing my feet in the ocean’s path, grateful I chose to wear running shorts today. “This was a major boo-boo. And I’m not just talking about my stupid Freudian slip. I mean sleeping with him. Learning more about the kind of man he is. Hearing him tell me what monsters his father and dead brothers were. Listening to him explain what they did to his mother and how they beat him when he tried to protect her. How he was invisible to his father and written off as a mistake.” I pin pleading eyes on my friend. “I’ve let him humanize himself, and I’m so confused, Nic. What if he goes digging? What if he discovers the truth?”
“He won’t find anything.” She squeezes my hand in reassurance. “He can’t find something that doesn’t exist.”
“Saverio exists.”
“Then maybe it’s time he didn’t.”
“That would mean revising the entire plan.” I bury my hands into the warm sand, letting the golden strands filter through my fingers.
“I think we both already know the plan will need to be reworked,” she says, turning to face me.
“Don’t say it.”
“You’re falling for him, babe. He is falling for you too. I see it every time he looks at you, and I’ve got to say it. There is nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all. You deserve to have someone like him. You deserve to be happy. There is nothing wrong in veering off course if a new path presents itself.”
“There is when it’s all I have thought about for twenty-one years. How can I just let it go?”
“I didn’t say it would be easy, but it comes down to what is more important? Living for life or living for vengeance?”
“It is not that black-and-white.”
“I know, babe.” She rests her head on my shoulder. “But I firmly believe you were led to Massimo for a reason. I don’t think you should discount him or the feelings you have for him.”
“How is this happening so fast?”
“This started five years ago. Some would argue it’s been a real slow burn.”
“What is he doing to me? I’m already messing up. I should stay away from him but I…I can’t. Not after last night. I should stick to the plan and go through with it, but I’m not strong enough to stay away, and I…I don’t want to.” I thought it might be freeing admitting the truth, but it’s not. It doesn’t lessen the pain or the turmoil.
“You can’t fight fate, babe, and he’s yours. This was written in the stars. You are following the path you are meant to follow.”
“How can that be? If I accept that, it means I have to let it go. You know what happened to me in that house. How can I just let that go?!”
