“Of course not, but your feelings matter too. It’s okay to be upset. It’s a natural human reaction.”
“I am happy for them, Stinky. I truly, genuinely am.”
“I know that, sweetheart,” he says, climbing to his feet. Wordlessly, he lifts me before sitting in my seat and situating me in his lap.
I rest my head on his shoulder and place my hand on his toned chest. My husband is still a total hottie, and I desire him now as much as I always have. Maybe more so as he gets older. But this isn’t about lust. I need him to hold me and tell me it’s going to be all right. That I’m not a monster for thinking the thoughts I’m thinking. We don’t keep secrets from one another anymore, so I tell him what’s going through my mind even if I’m embarrassed by what I’m thinking. “Our kids would have been born mere weeks apart, and I’m afraid their baby will always be a reminder of the baby we lost. I’m afraid I will look at Selena as her pregnancy progresses and resent her for it.”
Silent tears seep from my eyes. “I don’t want to resent her. She’s the sweetest, kindest, most loving person, and she deserves this more than anyone I know. I want to be happy for her. For them. To help her celebrate, but how can I do that when all I will think is how that should have been me? We should be pregnant together, just like Cheryl and me were with Talisa and Heather.”
“These feelings won’t last forever, Lana.” Kalvin cups my cheek and tilts my face up so he’s looking at me. “We only lost our baby two weeks ago. We’re still grieving, and it’s good you are voicing these thoughts and expunging them.” He looks tired as he leans in and softly kisses me. “We will get through this, and I know you’ll support Selena like you have done all our sisters-in-law, because that’s the kind of woman you are. The truth is, their child will probably remind us, from time to time, of the child we lost. But we don’t want to forget our little angel in heaven, and the time will come when we can speak about it without so much pain in our hearts.”
“Do you really believe that?” I sniffle, pressing my face into his warm neck. The scent of his citrusy cologne is a welcome balm, helping to soothe me.
“I do. I also think we need to tell our family.”
I move to shake my head, but he runs his fingers through my hair, holding me in place as his arms tighten around me. “Let me finish. We were right not to tell them today. Nothing should overshadow Selena and Keanu’s news, but our family deserves to know so they can support us too. That’s how we roll, babe, and you need it. You need to be able to talk to Faye and the other girls about it. That is how you will heal.”
“I love you,” I say against his neck. “I couldn’t do life without you.”
“Ditto, honeybun.” Kal urges my head up, and I clasp his gorgeous face in my hands as his lips descend. We kiss slowly and tenderly for several minutes, and it’s almost like I can feel the cracks in my heart gluing themselves back together.
“We’ll get through this. We have weathered far harder storms,” he says when we finally break apart.
“I know.” It’s the truth. After what we endured early in our relationship, every other obstacle we have faced has been like a cakewalk. “But this is different. I want more babies with you. I thought I was done, but losing our angel has made me realize I was wrong.”
“You know how I have always felt. I love seeing your belly swollen with my child. I would have ten kids if you were up for that.”
My eyes pop wide, and I laugh through my dried-up tears. “I draw the line at ten, but I definitely want to try again. The doctor already said it’s safe to have sex.” They took blood for tests at the hospital the day I underwent a D & C, and we should have the results this week. My ob-gyn said they aren’t always able to tell why a woman miscarries. Sometimes it’s just one of those things that happens, but after three easy pregnancies, we were not expecting to lose our baby at eleven weeks.
“We could start practicing now.” Kal waggles his brows, and I laugh again, my mood infinitely better than it was a few minutes ago.
“I like the way you think, Stinky.” I wiggle on his lap, deliberately moving my ass over the semi in his pants. “But we need to have a word about Hewson before we retreat to the bedroom.”
Kal exhales heavily, and I thread my fingers through his hair, tilting his head back a little. “Nothing has happened. I just wanted to talk to you about earlier. I really don’t think you should be teasing him about girls crawling all over him. That’s not exactly helpful and contradictory to the message we have been trying to instill in him about sensible partying and dating.”
“That’s it though.” Kal grips my waist. “There’s no such thing as sensible when it comes to parties and women. I’m alienating my son by not being real with him.”
I stiffen and pull back a little, putting space between us. “What exactly do you mean, and why is this the first I’m hearing about this?”
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the past few weeks, and I was planning on talking to you, but then you had the miscarriage, and I didn’t want to go there.”
I climb off his lap and stand. “I’m listening now, so let’s hear it.” I narrow my eyes at my husband.
Kal rises, reeling me back into his arms, not letting me get away. “We are not fighting about Hewson again, Lana. That’s the first thing that has to stop. We are also not talking about this now. It’s late, and we’re both already emotional.”
I collapse against him, knowing he speaks the truth. “I’m sorry, and you’re right. This isn’t the time. I just worry about him.”
“I worry too, but maybe we are overreacting a little and, dare I say it, being too strict because of what we went through.”
“It’s not like we haven’t considered that,” I remind him, because we are very much aware of it.
“I know, but I think we need to change our approach. That’s really all I’m saying, and you know maybe I wasn’t right to say what I said earlier, but sometimes it’s so hard to know what the right thing is to say.”
“Fact, babe.”
A knockout smile spreads across his mouth, momentarily dazzling me. “We’re a team, honeybun.” Kal nuzzles his nose against mine as he slowly thrusts his hips into my pelvis. “One of the strongest ones I know. We’ll figure this out.”
I shriek as he scoops me up and throws me over his shoulder. “But right now, all I want to do is make love to my wife and remind her how much I’m still in love with her.”
