“I wanted to speak to you so badly, but then I was ashamed. Ashamed of telling you how I’d let Luc down. How I’d hurt someone else. And that reminded me why I needed to stay away from you.”
“Jesus, Ryder. It’s not your fault.” I grip his face firmly. “You didn’t put those drugs in Luc’s mouth. You didn’t force him up to the roof and push him off. He’s a grown man, and he made those choices himself.”
“He never would’ve been there if it wasn’t for me!” He looks away but not before I see the sheer agony and torment on his face.
I force his face back to mine. “You gave him an opportunity. If he’d stayed at home in Orange County, who knows what would’ve happened? He might have ended up in a worse way. You gave him a job and the chance at a different life. The fact he made those choices were his alone. You did the best you could by him.”
“But did I?” he yells, and Mike locks concerned eyes with me through the mirror. “I was supposed to be his friend, and I didn’t look after him properly.”
I grab hold of his cheeks firmly. “You listen to me, and you listen to me good. The only reason Luc Young survived juvie was because of you. You couldn’t have done any more than you did for that boy. And when he was released and he needed you, you were there for him. You gave him a job and a purpose, and the fact you weren’t watching him twenty-four seven is not a failing on your part. You were crazy busy with your music career, and it wasn’t your job to babysit him. This isn’t your fault.”
Mike clears his throat. “Sorry to interrupt, but we’re here.”
I nod, keeping my gaze trained on Ryder. “Please don’t do this to yourself. You shoulder enough guilt and blame, and I may not know Luc as well as I once did, but I know he wouldn’t want you blaming yourself for something he did.”
He kisses me softly, keeping his arms wrapped firmly around me. Then he rests his chin on top of my head, just hugging me, and it’s a profound moment.
I don’t know what awaits me inside the walls of this hospital, only that it won’t be pleasant. However, I’m determined to be strong for Ryder, because I can’t bear to see him torturing himself like this, and if I can help ease some of the burden, even if just a little bit of it, then I want to be that for him.
Mike and I stand off to one side as Ryder chats with the doctor outside Luc’s hospital room. Ryder asked Rod to arrange to transfer Luc to a private room, and it was taken care of while we were in the air.
“You were really good with him back there,” Mike says, crossing his arms and never taking his eyes off Ryder. “We’ve told him that, time and time again, but it never sinks in. I’m glad you’re back in his life, and maybe he’ll listen to you, because you have no idea the lengths that man goes to in order to torture himself. It’s painful to watch.”
“You care about him.”
“I do. This job is more than just a job to me.” He glances briefly at me as Ryder wraps up his conversation with the doctor. “He’s a good man, and he does a lot of good things. I know if I ever needed anything he’d be there for me, and there aren’t a lot of people who can say that about their employer. I would lay down my life for that guy, and it kills me to see him beat himself up for stuff he couldn’t control.”
“Me too, and I only wish I’d understood. I could’ve reached out to him years ago if I’d known he was suffering too.”
He squeezes my hand. “You’re here now.” He glances up at Ryder striding toward us and lowers his voice. “Be patient with him, and if he fucks up, forgive him. I’ve never seen Ryder look at any woman the way he looks at you, and I’ve never known him to be affectionate the way he is with you.”
“I know he has a good heart, and I know he feels things deeply. I’m not going anywhere. I’m in this for the long haul.” And as the words leave my mouth, I know there’s nowhere else I’d rather be than by this man’s side.
28
Ryder
Iclasp her hand in mine, shooting Mike an inquisitive look. They looked cozy, and I’m wondering what he’s said to her. If he’s told her anything about the security detail over the years, I’ll knock him the fuck out.
“Relax.” Mike mouths at me, instantly knowing where my head’s gone, his look confirming that he didn’t tell her anything. I need to be the one to explain all that. She’s probably going to freak when she finds out, but I’ll deal with that when the time comes. Right now, I need to prepare her for this.
“Zeta.” I turn her around outside Luc’s door so she’s facing me. “The doctor says Luc is in a very depressive state and he’s largely nonresponsive. You need to prepare yourself. He’s nothing like the guy you remember.”
She nods. “We’ll do this. Together.”
Together has got to be the sweetest word known to man, and hearing it come out of her gorgeous lips is the icing on the cake.
“Fuck, I love you.” I pull her into my arms. I can’t seem to stop doing it. Can’t seem to stop touching her. Afraid she’ll disappear if I can’t feel her.
Mike smiles, and I know he’s happy I’ve got her in my life. I know everyone is because I’ve been calmer and more at peace these last few weeks than I’ve been in years.
“C’mon.” She breaks the embrace first. “Let’s see him.”
The large room is flooded with light as we step inside. It’s painted in cool shades of blue, and there’s a seating area with a couch, two chairs, and a wall-mounted TV and an en suite bath with a shower and tub. Luc is lying down on the bed at the top of the room, on his side, staring blankly out the window. A couple tubes are attached to one hand, and a machine beeps quietly in the corner. He doesn’t look up as we approach his bed, but I was expecting that.
The last time he tried to kill himself, he was like this. Closed off. Trapped in his own head. The world shut out. It kills me to see him like this. To know he despises his life so much he keeps trying to take it. And I know what that feels like. I’ve been there more times than I care to count, which only makes this worse, because I understand exactly what he’s going through.
Everyone thinks the car accident was just that, but I know the truth. I wanted to end it that night, and I just wanted the misery to stop. She saved me that night, and she doesn’t even know it.
