A shiver works its way through me, and I’m chilled to the bone, my brain refusing to go there. “I don’t understand.” Zeta bolts upright, her eyes wide with alarm. Bile travels up my throat, and ice has replaced the blood flowing through my veins.
“You’re not saying …” Zeta’s voice is laced with shock and concern, and she holds onto me tight.
Noel’s brows climb to his hairline and his eyes pop wide. “Oh my God. You don’t know?” He stands and starts pacing the living room. Horror washes over his face.
I’m immobile. I can’t move. All my muscles have tensed up.
This can’t be happening.
It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real.
I wipe my sweaty palms down the front of my jeans, and my heart is beating so fast it feels like I’m on the verge of a coronary.
Noel bends down in front of me. “Ryder, I thought you knew, but they never told you, did they?”
“No! No! Get out!!” Zeta takes hold of Noel’s arm, yelling for Mike. “You can’t come in here and drop a bomb like that! You can’t do that to him!”
Somehow, I find the strength to look him in the eye. I’m shaking all over, screaming inside my head, but I can’t deny the truth anymore. His words all slot into place. “Cory was your son too, wasn’t he?”
He nods with tears streaming down his face.
Oh, fuck no.
My heart is pounding, and blood rushes to my brain, leaving me light-headed. The room spins, blurring out. Cory’s sweet little face flashes before my eyes, and I squeeze them shut, willing him to go away. When I reopen them, he’s gone, but so is everyone else. I exist in a void, and nothing or no one else is here for me. I’m alone with this. Drowning. Suffocating. Grasping for air.
Wrapping my arms around my waist, I start rocking back and forth as the magnitude of Noel’s revelation sinks in. “I killed him. I killed him. I killed my own brother.”
40
Zeta
Ryder has completely checked out. He’s staring blankly into space, rocking back and forth, with his arms clutched around himself, murmuring “I killed him” over and over. Every few seconds, he shivers profusely, but he doesn’t stop the rocking motion, and it’s destroying me seeing him like this. Noel is sobbing, and I’m still in complete shock as Mike bounds into the room, quickly surveying the scene. “Fuck. What’s happened?”
“I need you to escort Noel out.” I’m amazed at how polite I sound when I’m screaming and crying on the inside.
“Zeta, I’m so sorry. All these years, I assumed he knew,” Noel’s voice is laced with anguish. “Monica never said he didn’t, and I presumed that’s why Ryder kept his distance from me all these years. That he thought I hated him because he was involved in my other son’s murder. When he spoke out at the press conference, I thought he’d come to terms with it all. That I’d finally get a chance to connect with my son. I would never have come here like this if I’d known.”
“Noel, I don’t know what to believe, and I’m not being rude, but my primary concern right now is Ryder.”
We both look at my husband, and my heart aches looking at him holding onto himself, staring blankly off into space. His jerky rocking movements attest to his fragile state of mind.
“Try talking to him,” Noel says, swiping his eyes and standing. He hands a set of keys to Mike. “I know you want to throttle me right now, but I promise I mean him no harm. He’s my son, and I want to help. Can you get someone to grab my medical bag from the trunk of my car? I fear he’s having a dissociative break, and I can assist in getting him the care he needs.”
“Zeta.” Mike looks to me for guidance.
I glance at Noel as I kneel down in front of Ryder. There is nothing but genuine remorse and concern on Noel’s face, and I have no fucking clue how to help Ryder, so I need him to stay. “Get the bag.”
“Ryder, honey.” I gently place my hands on his face, and his skin feels cold. “Baby, I’m here. What do you need me to do?” He’s still rocking, looking straight through me, as if I don’t exist. “Ryder, can you hear me?” I press a kiss to his forehead. “I love you.” He keeps rocking, staring vacantly into thin air, as if he’s no longer aware of his surroundings.
“What do I do?” I beseech Noel.
“Exactly what you’re doing. Just stay with him and let him know you’re here for him. Let him know you love him. I’ll check his vitals, and we can wait a bit to see if he comes out of it.”
“And if he doesn’t?”
“Then we’ll need to call in a specialist to help.”
I rub a tense spot between my brows as I take Ryder’s hands in mine, working hard to keep calm. I want to scream at Noel. To shout this is all your fault. To rewind time and never suggest we let him in to the house. But I don’t want to do any of that for fear it may startle Ryder.
