Keeping one hand on her hip, I run my free hand through her silky hair. “I know you did what you did for Rowan, and it was the right call. He’s amazing, Firefly. Such a happy, well-rounded kid. And yes, I know some of that is his personality, but a lot of it is thanks to you. You have always put him first. You show him unconditional love. You support him and keep him safe without clipping his wings. You are willing to sacrifice your own happiness for his. You did what my mother was never strong enough to do, and I could never hold that against you.” I cup her face in my hands. “Stop feeling guilty. Forgive yourself because I have already forgiven you.”
She chokes on a sob as I bring my lips to hers again, dusting light kisses along her mouth and her cheeks and her jawline.
“Do you really mean that?” she asks, as I press a kiss to the corner of her mouth. Her eyes glisten with unshed tears and naked emotion.
“I do.” I stop kissing her, holding a hand to her back, drawing her close again. “There’s more.” Her hopeful gaze encourages me to continue. “I didn’t mean a word of what I said to you the morning after our night together in Vegas.” I don’t really remember what I said, just that I was cold and cruel on purpose, saying the things I needed to say that would keep her away. “I deliberately pushed you away, Firefly, because I didn’t want this life for you. You deserve so much more than what I can offer.” A pang of guilt spreads across my chest.
“What about Saskia? Did you mean what you said at the house earlier?”
“Every word.” I draw soothing circles on her back with my fingers. “Saskia means nothing to me. She never has.”
“Then why did you date her?”
35
BEN
I’d prefer not to talk about her sister when I finally have Sierra back in my bed, but she needs to hear this. I see the vulnerability in her eyes, the doubt that still lingers there, and it needs to end now.
“I met Saskia two months after my mother OD’d,” I explain. She rests her hands on my bare chest, and the warmth of her skin seeps deep into my bones, comforting me. “I was in a really bad place. I felt responsible for Mom’s death because I had left for college and I didn’t look back. I didn’t know how bad things had gotten because I hadn’t been home in over a year. If I had been there or visited more often, I might’ve prevented it.”
“I don’t know the full history, but she made her own choices, Ben. Her death isn’t on you.”
“I know that now, but at the time, it felt like I’d failed her. Like I ruined her life by existing and then I abandoned her. She died, and then I got kicked out of college for beating up a guy on my football team. The jerk was mouthing off about my mom, and I lost it. Beat him so bad he ended up at the hospital. My grades had slipped, and I knew I was going to lose my scholarship, so it was inevitable anyway. That was two weeks before I met Saskia. I was sleeping on Terry’s couch. I had nowhere else to go. Nothing to do. Things were looking bleak.”
“Who is Terry?”
“Terry Scott was one of Mom’s old boyfriends. The only decent guy she dated. After they broke up, he looked out for me. He was the only role model I had in my life. He died a couple months back. That was the funeral I was attending the day I ran into Saskia and Rowan.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Me too. He was a good guy, and I had lost touch with him.” I owed him more than biannual phone calls. Terry was a bit of a loner, and he never reached out to me, so I excused my lack of effort by claiming it was two-fold, but the truth is, I should have come back to Chicago to check up on him. I didn’t even know he was sick. I might have been able to do something to help.
“You’re a busy man, and friendships take work. It’s one of the reasons why Esme and Pen are my only two friends. I didn’t have time to cultivate more.”
Because she sacrificed her friendships for Rowan.
I don’t have any such noble excuse.
Anyway, we are getting off track. “The point is, Saskia came along at a time when I had nobody and nothing. I was drowning, and she threw me a life jacket. I put up with her shit because it was better than being alone. She helped me to get a job at a local bar, furnished the small studio apartment I rented, and she lavished me with gifts.” My hand stalls on her back. “It wasn’t my finest moment, and I’m not proud of myself. I was little more than a glorified prostitute. Without the sex,” I add, reminding her I never fucked her sister.
“Don’t say that. You were grieving and lost, and she most likely took advantage of that.”
“I don’t know what she got out of it, but by the end, I could hardly tolerate her. That final night, after the things she said to you, I knew I was done. I broke things off with her, and the sense of relief was enormous.”
“Is that why you disappeared?”
“Not really.”
She arches a brow while fighting another yawn. Her natural curiosity battles exhaustion, but I know this isn’t the time for that conversation.
“It coincided with my real father showing up, but that’s a long story and one best kept for tomorrow.” I kiss the tip of her nose. “The most important thing you need to realize now is that I never had feelings for Saskia. I never felt even an ounce of what I feel for you.”
“What do you feel for me?” Her eyes probe mine, looking for deceit, no doubt, but she won’t find it.
“That night in Vegas meant the world to me too, Firefly. I felt those same things you felt. No other experience has ever come close to it.” I gulp over the messy lump, wondering if I should admit this, but I’ve come this far, so I might as well go whole hog. “For six years, I have wrestled with my feelings for you. I pushed you away that day to keep you safe, but you always lived up here.” I tap my temple. “And here.” I tap my heart. “It’s like you burrowed your way in and took up residence. I could never get you out. I have been tempted to look you up so many times, but I always reined myself in. I didn’t want to be a selfish prick, but now I can’t stop myself. It’s too late.”
Tears roll down her face again, but she’s smiling.
