All I know with surety is that I’m done fighting my feelings for her. I can’t deny it any longer, and after today, I don’t want to. I nearly lost her, and it has put a lot of things into perspective for me. Allowing myself to go there might make me weak, but I no longer have a choice.
Sierra might believe my suggestion of marriage is one of convenience, but I’m about to show her that is very far from the truth.
34
BEN
Itake the quickest shower known to mankind, careful not to get my hair wet, and I brush my teeth before pulling on sleep pants and exiting the bathroom. I usually sleep in the nude, but I don’t trust myself to get into bed naked with Sierra. My lust for her is at an all-time high. Combined with the fact I haven’t gotten laid in months, I doubt I could stop my dick from driving inside her. I don’t want her thinking I would take advantage of the situation.
When we fuck, I want it to be consensual and because we can’t keep our hands off one another.
Sierra is lying on her back in the bed, staring up at the ceiling. The only illumination in the room is from the lamps on the bedside tables by my king-sized bed. Rolling back the thick comforter, I climb into the bed, moving closer to her but still maintaining a distance. Today has been stressful, and while I don’t like reminding her, I need to ensure she is okay. I cough, and she tilts her head in my direction. “You killed someone today. I know that’s a big deal. How are you coping?” I vividly recall my first kill and remember how it had a profound effect on me.
“Honestly?” She stares me dead in the eye. “I’m glad I killed that fucker. He would’ve killed me and not lost any sleep over it, so I’m going to do the same.”
That is most likely true. The man was a member of the Bratva and probably an experienced killer. I know from personal experience how it becomes routine after a while. But Sierra is an innocent, and it may come back to haunt her. I hope it doesn’t because that bastard deserved to die, and she’s probably done the world a favor by wiping him from existence.
She turns onto her side, and her blonde hair cascades around her face like a golden halo. She doesn’t have a scrap of makeup on, and she looks beautiful. Even the line of paper stitches on her cheek can’t detract from her natural beauty.
“What?” she whispers, noticing my singular attention.
“I don’t think you realize how truly beautiful you are.” I touch my fingers to her uninjured cheek. “You are gorgeous, Sierra. Inside and out.”
She takes my hand, bringing it to her lips. Fiery tingles zip up and down my arm when she sweeps her lips across my knuckles. “I used to dream about you saying that to me.”
I chuckle. “That doesn’t shock or surprise me. I knew you had a little crush on me, Firefly.”
“Trust me, there was nothinglittleabout it.” She takes my hand, holding it to her chest. She’s wearing a silk and lace black camisole sleep top, that does nothing to disguise the creamy swell of her breasts, over matching black silk pants. Her heart thuds powerfully underneath our conjoined hands, and the strong rhythm reminds me of how resilient she is. She fought and killed a man today. I don’t know a lot of men, let alone women, who would have fought and won in her situation.
She stares deep into my eyes, and I could stare at her stunning face all day long. But it’s the raw emotion shimmering in her eyes that has snared my attention, and I couldn’t look away even if I wanted to.
“I’ve heard it said that your life flashes before your eyes in a near-death situation,” she adds, her voice quaking a little. “But that didn’t happen to me. I was too busy fighting to survive. It was only afterwards, when I knew Rowan was safe and you were on your way, that it hit me like that.” Her chest heaves, and she lowers my arm to my side. I move closer, placing one hand lightly on her hip, drawing her nearer.
We maintain eye contact the entire time, and I don’t interrupt or coax her into continuing, happy to wait patiently for her to explain. “I realized if I had died today I would have regrets. Things I hadn’t said to you that need to be said.” She lifts her hand, tracing her fingers along the stubble on my chin and cheeks. Tears well in her eyes as she looks at me. “I’m sorry I kept Rowan from you, Ben. I see how amazing you are with him and how much he already loves you, and I hate that I deprived you of that.”
I open my mouth to speak, but she silences me with a few well-placed fingers. “I’m not finished.”
I smile, gently rubbing her hip through her pajama pants.
“I don’t regret the decision I made. I did what I thought was right for my son.Ourson. You scared me that day, Ben. What I saw in that basement dungeon scared me. I didn’t want that for Rowan. I still don’t, but I see now what I didn’t back then. It was always inevitable, and I’ve made my peace with it now. Continuing to fight fate is a waste of energy, and after today, I’m done trying. To exist in this world, I need to find a way to fit in, and that is what I will do. I don’t regret the decisions I made, but that doesn’t mean they sat easy with me. Because they didn’t, Ben.”
I don’t doubt it’s the truth because it radiates from her like a beacon. “I thought of you every single day. It was hard not to, when I saw so much of you in Rowan, especially as he got older. And I carried the guilt of depriving you of one another around with me the entire time. I don’t want you to think it was easy to deny you your son because it wasn’t, even if I didn’t regret my decision because it was the only decision.”
I nod because I get it. I do. And I don’t blame her for it anymore.
“The other thing I don’t regret is that night in Vegas.” Her eyes burn with a mixture of emotion. “How could I when it has given us the most precious gift?” A single tear rolls down her face. “He’s a miracle. Our miracle. Every time I look at Rowan and I see parts of you and parts of me, I marvel at the wonder that is human nature.”
More tears roll down her face as she cups my cheek. “I want you to know how much that night meant to me. It was the most erotic, intimate moment of my life. I have never felt as close to another soul as I did to you that night, Ben. When I look back now, I think it was obvious we were creating a new life because Ifeltit.” Her hand leaves my face, moving to her heart and then her stomach. “I felt it in here and here. I know that sounds crazy, but that night was magical. I have never been like that with anyone else. Never felt the things I felt that night. I have never been as free and uninhibited to just let myself explore and feel like I did with you that night, and I can never regret it, despite how cold you were to me the next day. That night, I realized my crush wasn’t just a crush. It never had been.”
She lets that statement hang there for me to draw my own, obvious, conclusions. I open my mouth to speak again because I can’t let that go unacknowledged, but she shakes her head, urging me to remain silent.
“I know you didn’t feel the same way, and that’s okay. I don’t have any expectations when it comes to us, Ben. I know you want to marry me as the best way to protect me and Rowan, and I’m not going to fight you on it. I will do whatever it takes to keep Rowan safe, and I know you will too.” She wipes her tears away, softly smiling. “I just wanted you to know that,” she quietly adds, her voice barely louder than a whisper.
Slowly, I lower my head, my eyes dropping to her lips so she knows my intent and can stop it. She doesn’t though, sighing instead when my mouth meets hers. I kiss her softly. More softly than I have ever kissed anyone. More softly than I thought I was capable of. I pour everything I’m feeling into the kiss while holding my potent lust back because lust has no place in this kiss.
She kisses me without hesitation, and the hope that has been lying dormant in my chest these past few weeks surges to the surface, buoyed by her words and her reaction. But she’s been through an ordeal today, and a part of me understands that could be influencing her behavior. Reluctantly, I pull my lips back, hauling her body in flush to mine, holding her close as I dot kisses into her hair. My heart thumps to a new beat as I hold her tight, savoring the feel of her in my arms. Reveling in how right it feels.
I have never let myself get vulnerable with any woman, but Sierra gave me her truth, and I owe her mine in return. Clearing my throat, I ease out of our embrace because I want to look her in the eye when I tell her this. “I was angry when I first discovered the truth. So fucking angry and hurt, but I understand now, and I don’t blame you or harbor any ill will toward you for making the decisions you have made.”
