“What do you think is going on?” She props her feet up on the dash, blowing on her coffee.
“I’m not sure, but it’s obviously something to do with the way they’ve been treating me. Sinner has asked something of them.”
“And the revelation that The Sainthood were the ones who kidnapped you has them questioning shit?”
I shrug, stuffing the last bit of glazed chocolate doughnut in my mouth. I chew quickly, pondering it all again. “It seems that way. Even Galen looked thrown although I’m sure that won’t last.” I sip my coffee. “Theo was the biggest surprise. He blew up at Saint.”
“He still cares about you.”
“If that’s true, why did he cut me off like I meant nothing to him? His reaction could be all part of the play.”
“Maybe you should’ve let him in last night.” I explained how Theo spent a half hour outside my bedroom door after the confrontation in the basement, begging me to let him in so we could talk.
“I’m feeling a little out of my depth,” I truthfully admit, eyeballing my bestie and putting words to the emotion festering inside me.
“How so?”
I lean my head back, sighing, wondering how to articulate this. I sigh again, turning my head to the side so I’m facing her. “They’re making me feel things, Sar. Things that scare me.”
She analyzes my face, not saying anything for a few seconds. She clears her throat before speaking. “You know how much I hate The Sainthood for what they did to my family. I know your guys weren’t directly involved in that, but the organization they’re members of was responsible. I don’t need proof to confirm what I know in here.” She thumps her chest, right over the place where her heart is. “I also know how dangerous they are, and I’ve seen the shit they’ve pulled on you.”
“But?” I ask, sensing there’s one coming.
“But I see it too. They’re coaxing you back to life.” She takes my hands in hers. “I know why you work so hard to keep your emotions on lockdown. Why you protect your heart. Why you’re so guarded about who you let into your life. I understand it all. And maybe, if I hadn’t met Sean and I didn’t know what it’s like to be in love, I would feel differently about this. Truth is, I want you to open your heart, Lo. I want you to allow yourself to feel because you’re only living half a life if you shut emotions and people out.”
“I can’t trust them, Sar. They have an agenda, and this is all part of it.”
“Probably, but you’re smart as fuck, Lo. And you’re playing them at their own game and winning. Feeling something isn’t bad as long as you are in control of it.”
I twist around. “That’s the thing, babe. I’m afraid if I get sucked in deeper I won’t be able to control it. And I’m afraid of—” I bite down on my lip.
“Admit it,” she whispers.
“I’m afraid of getting hurt. I don’t let guys in for a reason and these guys have the potential to cut me wide-open and make me bleed. Especially Saint because he has the ability to get inside me in a way no one ever has.”
“You’re afraid he’ll use it against you? Or you think he’ll see all that guilt and shame you’re carrying?”
Fuck. Maybe I haven’t been so successful at hiding my emotions. “You see that?”
She nods slowly. “I see it, but I don’t understand it, because you’re one of the best people I know.”
“If you knew the absolute truth, you wouldn’t say that.”
She squeezes my hands tight. “There is nothing you could tell me that would alter anything between us.” She smiles, but I can’t return it because I don’t share her confidence. “I’m always here for you, Lo. If you ever want to tell me, I will always listen.”
_______________
Morning classes passme in a blur. It’s hard to concentrate when my mind is so distracted. I’m quiet at lunch, sitting beside the assholes to keep up appearances, but I’m not in the mood to chitchat.
Saint picks up the untouched wrap from my tray, holding it out to me. “You skipped breakfast. Eat.”
“I’m not hungry, and I had coffee and a doughnut.”
“Leave her alone,” Sariah says, spearing Saint with a look from across the table.
“Butt out. This doesn’t concern you,” Saint replies, twirling a bottlecap between his fingers.
“Listen here, asshole.” Sariah leans across the table, aggression contorting her face. “Anything to do with my bestie concerns me, and I’m not scared of you.”
