Because I love him.
I clasp both sides of his face, eyeballing the man I love with determination, hoping he hears this. Sees this. “I want you to be my first and last, Keanu. And I’m done waiting to experience that with you. I don’t want to wait anymore. I’m ready.” I caress his stubbly jawline. “If you are.”
Tears roll down his face as he pulls me into his arms, hugging me.
It’s a significant moment in our relationship.
A definite turning point.
I feel the air changing around us.
The dynamic shifting.
My future coming into focus.
He eases back, staring into my face. “I wish I could explain how full my heart is right now.”
“You don’t need to explain,” I reply, placing my hand over his heart. “I already feel it.”
“You know I want this with you,” he adds. “And I want it to be perfect.”
“It will be,” I reassure him. “Because I’ll be with you.”
“I need you to guide me. To tell me what feels good. What feels uncomfortable. And if you want to stop, at any time, you just say the words, and we will. You are in control, Selena. Always.”
Happy tears prick my eyes. “I’ve always felt safe with you, Keanu. And I promise I’ll tell you if I don’t like something, or I have a flashback, or I want you to stop.”
His Adam’s apple bobs in his throat. “Is there anything specifically you don’t want me to do?”
“I’m not sure about anal. We’ll need to work our way up to that.”
“Jesus, Sel.” He runs his fingers through his hair. “That’s not… I would never expect that of any woman.” His cheeks flush. “And that’s not something I’ve done.”
I can’t contain my grin. “I like that I’ll be the first.” If I can get to that point, because that may be a hard limit for me.
“Is there anything else?”
“Just don’t be rough or aggressive, and I don’t want to be tied up.”
“I would never be rough with you. I only ever want to treat you with the softest touch. To cherish your body as you deserve.”
“Okay, then.” This has actually gone better than I expected. I’m smiling as I turn to face Denise.
“I’m very proud of you both,” she says, beaming at us. “And I’m here for you. This might not be plain sailing, but just keep doing what you are doing. Talking to one another. Keeping the communication channels open.”
“There is one other thing,” Keanu says. “Should we plan this, or should it be spontaneous?”
“Selena.” Denise defers to me. “What do you want?”
I look into Keanu’s eyes. “I know I said I wanted it to be normal, which implies spontaneity, but I think, for my first time, we should plan it. So I can prepare. Every step of my recovery has involved planning, and I think this should be the same so there are no surprises.”
“I’m more than okay with that,” he agrees.
“A lot of couples plan their first time,” Denise says. “It’s not always a spur of the moment thing. You’d be surprised.”
Denise hugs us warmly as we leave, and I feel so much lighter stepping out of her house than I did when I first arrived.
“You sure you’re okay with everything?” I ask him when we’re in the car en route home.
