“Right back at ya,” I say, spinning around in his arms.
He pulls me in flush to his chest, and we grind our hips together, moving in sync with one another and in time to the music.
We dance for ages. Until my dress is glued to my back and damp tendrils of hair cling to my brow. My jaw hurts from laughing and kissing, and I’m high on life right now, and it feels amazing. I never want this feeling to end.
We leave the club a couple hours later. Kent and the redhead are all over one another in the back of the taxi while the rest of us pretend not to notice. Keanu is scowling at his brother, and I rub the tense spot between his brows. “Relax, babe. It doesn’t bother me.” And it doesn’t. They’re both into it, so where’s the harm in that?
We say good night to the others when we arrive at the penthouse, heading to our bedroom. The second the door is locked, Keanu is peeling my dress off and carrying me to the bed where we spend another few hours exploring every inch of each other.
“Can’t we stay here forever?” I grumble the following afternoon as we prepare to leave for the airport.
“I wish we could,” Keanu says, reeling me into his arms. He plants a passionate kiss on my lips that leaves me weak-kneed and aching. “I’m glad you had a good time. We should do this more often.”
“Definitely,” I agree, taking his hand as he grabs our bags and mentally preparing myself for the trip back home.
* * *
We meetwith Denise after school on Thursday for our first couple’s session in years. I’m nervous. Keanu’s nervous. But Denise helps put us at ease.
“My understanding from talking with Selena is that you two want to progress your sexual relationship, and you have some concerns, Keanu,” Denise says. “Is that correct?”
“Yeah,” he says, clutching my hand more tightly.
“Tell me how you are feeling about it. What specific concerns do you have?” she asks, smiling at him in encouragement.
“I want Selena to enjoy it, but I’m afraid of doing something that might remind her of her past. Or trigger her to remember something traumatic. I don’t ever want to hurt her or make her feel uncomfortable.”
“How do you feel about this, Selena?” Denise asks.
“I love that Keanu is so concerned about my needs and that he wants it to be good for me. I wish I could tell him that his concerns are without foundation, but I won’t lie.” I wet my dry lips, gazing into my boyfriend’s eyes. “I can’t guarantee there won’t be times where something happens that triggers a flashback, because I don’t have control over it.”
“And that’s why I’m worried,” he says, rubbing his thumb back and forth across the back of my hand. “That’d kill me, Sel.”
“Are there specific things you don’t want Keanu to do, Selena?” Denise asks. “It’s best to be completely up front before you make love. To let Keanu know if there is something you won’t like or won’t be comfortable with.”
“Denise and I have discussed sex and my sexuality a lot over the past two years,” I tell him, so he knows how much thought I’ve given this. “I’ve been reading up on healthy sexual relationships, making a list of my sexual goals, and trying to figure out how I can take back more control. Modeling has helped, becauseI’mcalling the shots. I’m deciding how others see me and what images are portrayed. Feeling good about myself in shoots, feeling sexy and desirable, has empowered me. BecauseI’min control. I decide who sees my body. I will never do lingerie or swimwear campaigns. Not because of the scars on my body, but because I don’t want any stranger objectifying me in any way.”
I sit up straighter, angling my body so I’m facing him. “The only one who will see my body, apart from me, is you. And I’ve already trusted you with that.” My cheeks heat a little. I trust Denise, and I trust Keanu, but it’s still awkward having this conversation. Talking about something so private with others stretches me out of my comfort zone. But I also know myself well enough to understand that this is the right way to do this. Keanu may have been the one asking for this meeting, but I would’ve suggested it if he hadn’t.
“When we were together the last time,” I say, “I got scared as we became closer. The more we made out, the more I wanted to take things further, but I was terrified of your touch too.” His face drops, and I hate that he’s hurting, but this won’t work without complete honesty, without full disclosure. I’ve been in therapy long enough to know that. “I realize now it’s because I wasn’t ready.” I squeeze his hand. “But I am now.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Because I can’t keep my hands off you and I want your handson meall the time. And yet, it’s not enough. I crave every part of you. And although I already feel so close to you, I want to feel closer. I want to feel you moving inside me. I want to feel you worshiping me completely. I want there to be no more barriers between us.” I stare deep into his eyes, wanting him to really hear this next admission. To feel it deep in his bones for the truth it is. “I want to give you my virginity.”
He blinks, staring at me in shock and confusion. I glance at Denise, and she nods, reassuring me, silently telling me to keep going.
“I know that might sound strange to you, but I read this article online recently. It was written by a woman named Veve Bee. She’s a child abuse pediatrician. Her words really resonated with me.” I memorized them so I could repeat them to myself whenever I need reminding that I have the power and the control over what happens to my body from now on.
“She said, ‘Virginity is not a physical entity. It’s not something that can ever be taken from you. It’s a concept, a mental and emotional decision you make to give of yourself when you are ready, and not when someone decides to be violent with your body.’ I can send you the link. It’s a really powerful article, and it has helped me enormously.” He nods, and I know he’ll read it.
I look at Denise, and she nods encouragingly. “Being raped is not the same as having loving, consensual sex.” I palm his face. “I’ve never had that, so this will be my first time. I wantyouto take my virginity. I want you to be my first.”
I smile at him. The words breathing new life into me. I’m not lying when I say stumbling across that article helped me. Denise had been saying similar things to me over the years, but her words didn’t get through. Maybe, it was just the timing, or maybe, it was the way the author articulated her thoughts, but it hit home. Injecting me with courage and confidence.
I’m making this decision now to give myself to my boyfriend.
Freely without hesitation.
