“Idon’t thinkI’mgay,”Istarted.Ineeded to get that out in the open.I’dspent far more time thanIwanted to admit over the past few weeks researching—watching porn, mostly—and the one thingI’dfound was it didn’t do anything for me. “ButIdon’t know whatIam.Sometimes,Iwish it was possible for me to look at someone, anyone, and feel attracted to them.ButIdon’t, man or woman.”
“That’snot as uncommon as you might think,”Waylonoffered whenIpaused to regroup and figure out how to explain that there was only one person in particular, and even now,Iwasn’t sure it was anything sexual.Iliked spending time withKevinand the kiss had been hot as fuck.Thatnight was one of the few times in my lifeI’dgotten hard in the presence of another person. “Isit safe to assume something’s changed on that front now?”
Inodded.Answeringquestions felt easier than slicing myself open.
“Okay, so it’s possible you’re ace,”Teddyadded. “That’scool.”
I’dread about that, but it didn’t really fit.TheAinLGBTQIA+ stood for asexual and seemed to be the label for people who weren’t interested in sex.ButIwas at least curious about it, as long as it was sex withKevin.Butno sex would be cool, too, if it meant there was a way to still kiss him because that had been nice.Ishook my head. “No,Idon’t think that’s it.”
“Why?Becausethere’s someone youwouldlike to have sex with?”ThethingIloved about these guys was they asked questions without judgment.Theywere simply trying to get the facts so they could help me sort out my head.Ifmy brothers were here, they’d be giving me shit about not knowing what in the hellIwanted at my age.Formost people who’d grown up inHarmonyGrove,Teddywas like a big gay guru.Ifyou had a question about theLGBTQ+ community, he was the person you could turn to for answers. “Youcan still be ace and still want to have sex with someone.Itcould be that you’re demisexual, or maybe you’re what they call gray ace.Atthe end of the day, the label doesn’t matter nearly as much as allowing yourself the freedom to be happy and do whatever you want—or not—with whoever you want.”
“Fuck, why do there have to be so many choices?”Igroaned, rubbing my temples becauseIwas starting to get a headache. “Whatdo those things even mean?”
“Grayjust means you’re somewhere on the more sexual side rather than ace.It’sa confusing term because it means so many things to different people,”Teddyexplained.
Waylonchuckled. “Neverthought we’d be having a private lesson on sexuality in the middle of the bar.”
Teddyshot him a glare.Waylonheld up his hands in surrender. “Anyway…demisexual, on the other hand, means you feel a sexual attraction only after there’s an emotional connection to someone.”
Isat up straighter, finally feeling like maybeIwasn’t broken.Therewas a term for someone like me.Asmuch asIwishedTeddywas right that labels didn’t matter, they did for me.Ineeded things to make sense, andI’dbeen struggling the past few weeks because nothing fit into neat little boxes. “IthinkI’mthat one.”
Waylonlifted his glass. “Congrats, man.Doyou feel better now?”
Iclinked my glass against his. “Shutup.I’mnot going to say you were right, in case that’s what you were waiting for.”
“It’sokay.Weboth knowIwas.Again.”Teddycuffed the back ofWaylon’shead playfully. “Fucker!Thathurt.I’mnot your boyfriend.I’mnot into that shit.”
“Notwith me, maybe,”Teddymuttered under his breath.Theseguys were certifiably insane, butIloved them as much asIloved my brothers. “So, now that we’ve got that out of the way, do you want to tell us who’s helped you realize you might not want to die a lonely old man whose dick has never been touched by someone else?”
“I’mnot a total virgin, fuck you very much.”Ididn’t have much experience, but there had been a few stilted attempts.IfwhatTeddysaid was right, maybe it wasn’t a matter of me being broken so much as not testing the waters with someoneIactually liked.Itsure as fuck explained whyIcould never understand how my buddies in college could have one-night stands every weekend without thinking anything of it. “IfItell you, you can’t say a word to anyone.AndImeananyone.Yourmen have big mouths, andI’mnot sureIwant the family to know yet.IfMomfinds out, she’ll be on me to bring him to family holidays and dinners.”
“Deal,” they responded simultaneously.Ihated asking them to keep something from their partners, butIreallyneeded to figure this shit out, andIequally didn’t want them blabbing.
“Isit that adorable cop next door to you?”Waylonasked.Myshoulders sagged, relievedIdidn’t even have to admit that much.
Inodded. “Yeah.AndIhave no clue what in the hell happened.Westarted hanging out after he helped me with the fence.Wegot together a few nights for dinner, mostly at his place.AndthenIinvited him to my house theSaturdayof theHarvestFestival, and things just sort of happened.”
“Whatsort of things?”Okay, maybeIwas wrong.Theseguys were just as big of gossip hounds as their partners, even if they weren’t the type to spread the juicy details.
Asmile formed asIthought back to that night.I’dspent hours thinking back on every detail, andIstill couldn’t pinpoint why kissing him had felt like an imperative, only that it had.Therewas something about the way he’d looked at me, how close we’d stood, andI’djust…gone for it.IfBarthadn’t interrupted, things definitely would have gone further, but probably not whereTeddythoughtIwas insinuating. “Itwas just a kiss.Afew kisses, really.”
Andmaybe a bit of grinding, butIwasn’t sure if that counted for anything.
“Anddid you want more…kissing?”ThewayWaylonhesitated before finishing his question made me wonder if he’d seriously been about to ask ifIwas disappointed we didn’t have sex.Iwasn’t, just for the record.Ifwe’d gone all the way,Icouldn’t even imagine the freakoutIwould have had the next day.ButI’dhad fun thinking about sex withKevin, even thoughIwasn’t sureIwas supposed to.Ifhe’d just been humoring me, that would make our friendship awkward.
“IthinkIdid, yeah,”Ifinally admitted.Butthe thingsI’dimagined doing to him weren’t normal.Iblamed the pornI’dwatched that first night for dropping me straight into the deep end.Iwent from not thinking about sex at all to imaginingKevinon his knees for me, begging for my dick.Somethingwas alluring about having someone so assertive in his day-to-day life in such a submissive position.
Maybethat made me fucked up in a whole different way.
Anddammit, now my cock was threatening to spring to life just thinking about those dreams.Ineeded to change the subject, but my friends weren’t quite done “helping” me.
“Andhow does he feel about what happened?”Teddywas the sensible one of the group.Havingbeen out most of his life, he was a stickler for ensuring the other person was interested.Hesaid that was because far too many of his friends had made the mistake of falling for straight guys, and he didn’t want anyone else he knew to experience that pain or humiliation.
Icouldn’t do anything other than shrug.Wehadn’t talked about it.EverytimeIgot the feeling he wanted to bring it up,Isuddenly had somethingIneeded to get home to do.Soit was all my fault.God,Ihated admitting that. “It’spossibleI’vebeen avoiding him becauseIdidn’t want him asking what in the hellIwas thinking.”
“Thenit sounds like you have some work to do,”Waylonsaid just beforeJasperandShilohreturned, effectively ending our conversation.
Afew minutes later, my brothers came in,Dannyat the rear with his husband,Blake.Throughoutthe night,Iwatched their interactions with renewed interest.Therewas nothing glaringly obvious about their dynamic, but what they shared reminded me of a much healthier version of the relationshipDannyused to have with his ex.Hehappened to beBilly’sboyfriend now, but they didn’t have the same type of relationship.IwishedMichaelwasn’t at home with the kids becauseIcould really use his insight as well.
