“Do you think it’s possible to be attracted to a dude even if you’ve only ever been with women in the past?” The words hung heavy between us. Again, Anson didn’t speak.
When he finally reacted, it was with a simple huff of amusement. “That’s got to be one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard you say.”
“Fuck you!” I didn’t need him mocking me. I’d asked him to meet me because I needed my fucking brother. “I’m being serious here.”
“So am I,” he deadpanned. “If there’s one thing Mom and Dad pounded into our thick heads, it was that you don’t run from love when it finds you.”
“No one said word one about love,” I protested. I wasn’t in love with Ezra. Not yet. But I could see things heading that way if I didn’t manage to find a way to fuck shit up. “But what are the odds of three of us being in one family?”
Anson shrugged again. If we weren’t in public, I’d have punched him in the gut. “What do the odds matter? There are plenty of families out there who defy those same so-called odds by having all straight kids. Why couldn’t our family tilt the other way? If there’s someone who makes you happy, does it really matter at the end of the day what they have in their pants?” He paused, but I was pretty sure that had been a rhetorical question. He proved me right when he continued, “No, it doesn’t. And that is what Mom and Dad tried getting us to see from the time Danny was little. We all knew he was different from the rest of us. If that means we’re bi or pan or whatever the fuck, but he’s a gold-star gay, so be it. And if we’re straight, that’s cool too.”
Snippets from the past flashed through my mind like some old movie as I tried absorbing what Anson said.
The summer of junior year, when Bennett Markham and I were at the end-of-summer bonfire. It had been the first time my dick got hard just from looking at someone. The way the flames reflected off his smooth skin had mesmerized me. At the time, I’d chalked it up to too many Zimas and not nearly enough to eat when the grill had been running.
He’d looked at me from across the dancing flames of the bonfire, and I’d been lost. As I rose to follow him into the woods, Billy had approached, telling me it was time to go. I’d glanced over my shoulder, hoping he wouldn’t wait on me forever, and accepted that it was nothing more than being drunk and horny as fuck. Totally normal for someone my age.
But that didn’t explain my freshman year of college when I couldn’t peel my eyes from the way Eddie Christenson’s ass filled out his jeans when he was bent over the front bumper of a car. He was the shortest guy in my practical application class, and that meant he often had to stretch to get the job done. I’d been in a nearly constant state of arousal thinking of him. He hadn’t come back after the fall semester, and I’d once again blown my chance to see if there could have been something brewing there that neither of us had previously acknowledged.
So maybe being attracted to guys wasn’t as foreign to me as I was trying to convince myself. The tendencies had been there, but I’d never been given the opportunity to act on them.
“But everyone around here thinks I’m some sort of unfeeling fuck boy.” It came out whinier than I’d expected. I wasn’t proud of the reputation I’d built for myself. It wasn’t the person I wanted to be, especially now. And that feeling only intensified now that I’d realized all the ways I’d misstepped in the past. I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes with Ezra.
“So fucking do something about it,” Anson stated as if it were a simple accomplishment. Maybe he’d been the wrong brother to call down here after all. “Listen, I love you, but you have a shitty habit of standing in your own way. You’re pushing forty now. At some point, you need to figure out what you want out of your life and fucking go for it. Quit thinking about what you believe others expect from you and live your own damned life.”
“Is that what you’re doing?” Lately, my life had felt like a series of challenges. There was always something to face, beat down, and move on to the next. And if Anson was pushing me to take a look in the mirror, it was time for him to be honest too.
“Yeah, it is.” Well, fuck. That wasn’t at all what I’d expected. “And I almost fucked it up already. You want to know why I’m so hell-bent on this Christmas party being the talk of the town? It’s because I’m not going to fuck up again. I’ve found someone I like spending time with, someone who likes me for some unknown reason, and I’m not about to let him down. Can you say the same?”
At that moment, I couldn’t. But Anson gave me plenty to think about. We finished our drinks, and I settled the tab so we could get to Mom and Dad’s before dinner was served. The entire drive out to the farm, I wondered what they’d say when they found out I’d invited someone to join us tomorrow.
13
CARSON
For the firsttime in years, I found myself looking forward to spending the day with my family, baking and decorating cookies. I wasn’t ready to put up a tree of my own or dance around my living room while I listened to Christmas music and drank cocoa, but Ezra was getting under my skin. Even if I wasn’t a fan of Christmas, he was. And I was warming up to everything about the holiday season, thanks to him.
I pulled up in front of Hearth & Foam at seven-fifteen. There was a line right to the door, and I cursed myself for not getting up early enough to get here in time to not put myself behind schedule. If I wasn’t at the house before seven forty-five, my brothers would never let me live it down. We all knew better than to be late. By eight o’clock sharp, the oven would be preheated, Mom would be rolling out dough, and she expected us there to start setting up the decorating station while two of us helped her roll out and bake.
My hope was she’d be so distracted this year by the addition of Henry and James that she wouldn’t notice if I was running behind.
While I waited in line, I sent Ezra a quick text, letting him know I might be late and also asking what he wanted to drink. That would have been helpful to have found out last night when I offered to pick up something for him, but I’d been so distracted I hadn’t even thought of it.
Every time the gangly teen behind the counter called up the next customer, I checked my phone again to see if he’d responded. By the time I stood in front of them, there was still no response, and I was clueless.
“What can I get for you this morning?” the kid asked as I studied the menu, waiting for something to pop out at me as the perfect choice for Ezra.
“I know I’m going to want a tall black coffee,” I said so it didn’t seem like I was completely lost. Finally, I had to concede defeat. I wasn’t the type of guy who could look at a drink menu and know what someone else would want. “Sorry, I’m getting a drink for a friend, and I’m not sure what he’d like.”
“You could always go with the gingerbread latte,” Mara, the owner of the shop, suggested. The way she smirked when she made the recommendation seemed off. “That’s usually a pretty safe bet unless it’s for someone who’s more of a cocoa guy.”
Oh hell, I hadn’t even considered that. “What would you do if you weren’t sure?”
“Go with the cocoa.” She smiled and winked at me. That was strange. “You can’t go wrong if you add two pumps of hazelnut and one of dark chocolate, then I’ll top it off with all the goodies.”
“I’ll have what she said.” The teen rang me up, and I thanked him before moving down the line.
“How’ve you been, Carson? I haven’t seen you around here in a while,” Mara said as she continued working through the orders stacked up in front of her. This was just the sort of job that fit someone with her personality. I remembered her from when we were younger; she’d been friends with Danny. They didn’t hang out all the time or anything, but she’d been around enough I thought of her as someone friendly who loved to help others and always had a smile on her face.
