“So what if I am?” I shot back, suddenly on the defensive.
Billy simply shrugged. “You’re right. So what if you are. Except, you’re here talking to me, which means something is obviously bothering you. So what is it you really want to ask?”
I looked around the basement, trying to put myself in Billy’s shoes. When he’d bought this place, he’d been certain he wasn’t going to fall in love. Said he just wanted a place of his own, and maybe he’d get a few chickens or some shit after the place was fixed up. Was it possible I’d find myself in the same position?
“How can someone go their whole fucking life thinking they’re straight, and then suddenly, someone walks in and tips their entire world on its axis?” I watched Billy carefully, waiting for any sort of reaction from him. He gave me nothing. He didn’t seem shocked or offended by my question. His expression gave nothing away. “Say something, would you? I’m sitting here freaking out. He’s got me ready to buy a fucking Christmas tree and some of those air freshener things you plug into an outlet just because he mentioned how much he likes them. That’s stupid, right?”
“I’m not so sure it is,” Billy responded, far more unhelpfully than I’d bet he thought he was being. He rolled his eyes at me. “Maybe this dude is exactly who you need in your life. Maybe it’s time for you to let go of whatever bullshit reason you have for pretending you hate the holidays.”
“That’s not pretending,” I argued. I really did hate all the pomp and circumstance that went into Christmas. It wasn’t like we were a super religious family, but for as long as I could remember, our mom lost her shit every December. First, there was the cookie-baking marathon. Then, it turned into family trips to the fucking mall to find the perfect gifts for one another. And when Christmas finally rolled around, we were the weird family who “Santa” visited a full day early every year because we were so busy rushing from one party to the next to make sure we had time with all the different factions of our family. Except, we were so busy running around we never had a chance to enjoy ourselves.
The holidays were fucking exhausting. And this year, it would be even harder to find a time that worked for everyone because we had to work around Danny and Blake wanting to make a trip back to the East Coast to spend time with their friends, Billy and Michael’s visit with Michael’s sister who also happened to be Henry’s bio-mom, and everything else. Just the thought made me want to crawl into a hole until the ball dropped, signaling the start of the new year.
“So tell me about what makes this guy so special.” There was no judgment in Billy’s request. He sounded as though he really wanted to hear more. The problem was I wasn’t sure how much I could say without giving away Ezra’s identity. After the way he’d reacted when I’d taken his hand in mine last night, I knew I needed to tread very carefully, or he’d run again.
I explained in as much detail as I could, which wasn’t much. Without using Ezra’s name, I confessed to Billy that there was just something about Ezra I couldn’t ignore. The way my stomach flipped when we first met and I saw the way his cheeks pinked when I praised his work. I had to skip over the meeting at Harmony House completely. Otherwise, he’d know who I was talking about. By the time I got to our failed first date, Billy was probably more confused than he’d been at the start.
“Sounds to me like you have a decision to make,” he said when I finally quit rambling. “If you like the guy, go for it. But if you’re just trying to find someone to fill some sort of void in your life, walk, don’t run. Whoever he is deserves better than being someone’s bisexual experiment. From the sounds of things, he’s had a rough go of it so far, so he doesn’t need you toying with him.”
“And what happens if I go for it, as you suggest, and realize this isn’t for me?” The last thing I wanted was to hurt Ezra. It was the only thing I could think about, other than how his palm felt against mine or how badly I’d wanted to kiss him last night. That shit wasn’t me, and it confused me more than the initial zing of attraction I felt.
“There are no guarantees in life.” Billy cleared his throat, and his expression turned serious. Whatever came next, I was certain I wouldn’t like it. “You’ve always been the guy who ducks out as soon as anyone tries getting to know you. It’s confusing as hell, but you don’t want to let people in.”
I didn’t think I’d done that. Sure, I wasn’t known for being a serial monogamist like some, but that was because I didn’t see the point in getting serious with someone if I didn’t see things going anywhere.
“I see you trying to come up with an argument, but think about it.” Oh hell, this was bound to be a nightmare of a trip down memory lane. But maybe that was exactly what I needed to hear, and that was why I’d come to Billy instead of one of my other brothers. “When you aren’t trying to fuck your way through half of Pineville, you start hanging out with people you know aren’t good for you. I’m not sure you even like them, but that serves your purpose. There’s no risk involved because you know from the start it’s all about getting your rocks off.”
“You make me sound like a man-whore,” I protested.
Billy cocked his head to the side. “If the shoe fits…”
“Fuck you, very much.” There was no heat behind the words because, for once, I chose to really listen to what my brother was saying, and I considered the women I’d been with over the course of the past decade. It wasn’t as if there was a long list, but he was right. Every woman I kept around for any length of time was someone I knew my family wouldn’t get attached to. Because in the end, there was one hard truth about the Langsford family: if you didn’t fit with us, we weren’t going to hold on to you. That was part of why we got over the way shit went down with Billy and Michael. He fit and, really, I think we all knew he was part of us, even before he and Danny had gotten together.
“Sorry, I’m going to try being serious now. As your big brother, it’s my job to give you advice when you ask and a swift kick in the ass when you need to.” I flipped him off, and Billy simply smiled. “I meant what I said. If you’re serious about seeing where things might lead with this guy, go for it. Have dinner, go out for drinks, and if it’s not going to make you crawl into a hole, invite him to help bake and decorate this weekend. He might not want to since that’s what he does all day at work, but if he loves the holidays as much as you say he does, this might be right up his alley.”
My eyes widened, and my mouth opened and closed like a fish on land. How in the hell had he figured out who I was talking about?
“Oh, come on. This is a small town. People talk.” I swayed slightly in my chair, and for a brief second, I thought Billy would get up and offer me a hug. But that wasn’t how we rolled. “Relax, Carson. No one’s said anything specific, but anyone with eyes could see the way you were watching him the other night. And this morning, you had to give someone a ride home after they dropped their car off at the shop. That was shortly after Blake happened to give Ezra a jump at the grocery store, and when he swung by to pick up our stock pot, he told me he’d suggested Ezra go directly to the shop instead of trying to go home in case his car wouldn’t start again.”
“You don’t think it’s too soon to invite him to hang with the entire family?” We hadn’t gone on a single date. As much as I’d thought about kissing him, we weren’t anywhere near that point. And now, my brother was suggesting I introduce him to the entire family on a weekend that was always commemorated with way too many damned pictures. If he came, there’d be no hiding that something was going on between us.
“Might as well show him what he’s in for while he can still walk away,” Billy teased. He scrubbed the stubble on his chin. “You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize just how perfect the two of you are for one another. You’re polar opposites in a lot of ways, but that could work out for the best. Just remember what I said about walking away if this is just curiosity for you. He’s definitely not the one-night-stand sort of kid.”
“He’s not a kid,” I protested. Yes, he was younger than me—by a lot—but he was an adult who was more than capable of making his own decisions. And based on what I’d heard about his parents, that was a hill I was willing to die on. It was time someone stood up for him. Proved to him he was worth fighting for.
Billy held up his hands in surrender. “No need to go on the offensive, man. You know what I was saying. Now, get your ass out of here and fix your man’s car. Then, let him make you dinner and see what happens. Should I tell Mom to expect an extra set of hands in the kitchen on Saturday morning?”
“Don’t. You. Dare.” The last thing I needed was Mom calling me to get the details about my possible love life. “If he says yes, you’ll know when we both walk through the door. Otherwise, I really need you to keep your damned mouth closed.”
He made a cross over his heart as if that had meant a damned thing for the past two decades. When I glared at him, his expression softened. “You have my word, Carson. I won’t tell anyone what’s going on. Except Michael, because the two of us don’t keep secrets and he’s scarily good at reading my expressions.”
That was really all I could expect. The two of them had been through enough already, and I didn’t want my confusing love life, or lack thereof, to cause any issues for them.
10
EZRA
Everything was about asgood as it was going to get. I took a look at my apartment, trying to see it through Carson’s eyes. It wasn’t a luxury living space by any means, but it was comfortable. I’d been picky about anything I brought into the apartment because I was no longer in a place where I needed to settle. The sectional sofa covered in a buttery soft suede was positioned opposite an obscenely large TV that took up most of the living room space. It probably felt cluttered to most people, but to me, it was perfect.
