Linc used to call me every time he worried about his son, and I wondered if someone else had filled that void for the past few years. I wanted to know if he was still in Birmingham or if he’d moved away like he’d always wanted. So many questions and now, no opportunity for answers.
“I’ll walk out with you,” I said, pushing back from the table. Teddy had seen through my casual offer, and nodded his approval. He likely thought I was hoping to smooth things over with the longtime friend my coworkers had insulted, but that was fine. He didn’t need to know that was only part of it for me.
The house was silent, but that didn’t keep me from checking over my shoulder to make sure we weren’t being followed. It was stupid, bordering on paranoid, but I was out of my element here. Not only did I need to figure out what I wanted to say to Lincoln, I needed to figure out what I wanted from him.
“I’m not angry with them for not trusting me,” Lincoln said, still staring straight ahead. The backs of our hands brushed together as we stepped onto the front porch. There was that stupid jolt zinging through my body, straight to my dick again. But it wasn’t only the areas south of my waist taking note. My heart skipped a beat, like a piece of myself had shifted back into place. “There are a lot of unknowns in your world, and the recent past hasn’t done a lot to ensure anyone that a man can be gay, let the world know about it, and not watch his career swirl down the drain. All of that for someone with Zach’s skills, and it’s bound to make people nervous.”
“Doesn’t mean they had any right to say it,” I argued. Lincoln leaned against the trunk deck of his rental car, stretching his long legs in front of him. I mirrored his position, watching the last light of the day fade away. My pinky grazed his as I leaned back, but this time, he didn’t pull away. Neither did I.
No matter how badly I needed the answer, I couldn’t bring myself to ask what we were doing. No matter how much my dick still wanted him, I knew I’d never give him what he wanted in life.
“What happened between us?” Lincoln finally broke the silence. The pain and sadness in his voice was like a knife twisting in my heart. “Were you really so upset that it was worth throwing away our friendship?”
When he put it that way, I sounded like a petty asshole. And maybe I was. But at the time, I felt like a fool for suggesting that we see if we could get something off the ground since he was retired and getting divorced.
The two main roadblocks for us, other than my adamant refusal to ever have a relationship, were non-issues. To my self-centered mind, what I was offering him was perfect since he still wasn’t ready to come out publicly.
“At the time, I thought it was,” I admitted. “I’m an asshole, Linc. You know this. I always have been, probably will be until the day I die. And yeah, I was pissed at you, but I shouldn’t have avoided you the way I did. I know you won’t have much time while you’re here, but if the offer still stands, I’d like to talk about it. Preferably when I’m not waiting for someone to come out here and find out what happened to me.”
“I’m not sure how, but I’ll make time.” Lincoln stood and turned to face me. Before I processed what was happening, he pulled me into his arms.
I buried my face in his neck, allowing myself to breathe in his scent. He’d never been a fan of cologne, didn’t need it. His natural scent was intoxicating all on its own. I quickly pulled away on the off chance anyone was inside the house spying on us.
“You should know, no matter how busy life gets, I’ve always had time for you.” He didn’t back away, and I tucked my hands under my ass to keep from reaching out to him.
I swallowed the emotion making it hard to breathe. He’d given me a lifeline, but I couldn’t reach for it just yet. As I said, this was something to be handled in private. I backed away, immediately feeling the chill of his absence. “I’d better get back there before they send out a search party. Text me later and we’ll figure out when we can sit down.”
Lincoln walked around to the driver’s side of the car and got in without another word. One more way he hadn’t changed. He was never one to say goodbye.
4
Lincoln
As I stoodat the front of yet another generic hotel meeting room facing another audience of grown men who’d rather be on the field or back in their rooms screwing around than listening to me talk, I wondered why I kept doing this. Sure, part of me enjoyed traveling the country trying to impart wisdom on whatever group paid my appearance fee, but it was never what I’d set out to do.
And I was the last man on the face of the earth who had any place talking about trying to find a balance between home and the field. Most of my life was a lie, all because I was a star during a time when being out and active was impossible. Men like Zach still faced an uphill battle, but it was nothing like the mountain I’d faced over twenty years earlier.
Realizing no one was even pretending to listen to what I was saying, I did something I’d never done in the years I’d spent crisscrossing the country; I cut the seminar short. I wasn’t doing anyone favors by holding them hostage and I wanted to make sure I had time to chat with Zach, as promised, before he had to get back for their afternoon workout.
Teddy was usually adamant that the players got some downtime between lunch and whatever was planned for the rest of the day, but he’d understand this time. The worst-case scenario would be trying to coax feelings out of Zach and then forcing him to shut them down because we were out of time.
“Zach, do you have a minute?” I called out as the players started filing out of the room. It was amusing to see how they practically tripped over their own feet, trying to make their escape.
“Sure, what’s up?” He stopped, but didn’t turn to look at me.
“How’re things going this year? I know it’s early, but everything good?” I leaned closer, resting my forearms on my knees. “Look, I might be overstepping here, but Nix and I were talking about you the other day. He’s worried.”
“Yeah, well he sure as hell doesn’t show it,” he complained.
If I didn’t know how much he’d been trying to pull his head out of the game, I’d have thought he was being a whiny punk. Nixon’s job was to push the players harder than they’d work themselves, and he was damn good at his job. One of the best in the league. And that wasn’t bias, it was the truth. Even before we’d become friends, I’d respected his knowledge and knew he’d eventually wind up leading a strength and conditioning department.
“I’m not talking about your physical strength, Zach.” His brow furrowed for a moment, confusion turning to anger when he realized what I meant. His body stilled, except the ticking of his jaw as he ground his teeth. I reached out and placed a hand on his knee. “Relax. This little chat isn’t what you’re thinking. In fact, I think you’d be surprised to know just how wrong you are.”
“Is that why you’re here?” His voice dropped an octave, laced with barely restrained anger as he cracked each knuckle.
If I wasn’t used to dealing with too much testosterone and not enough life experience thanks to Hunter, I might’ve gotten nervous that Zach was about to snap. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he had, but I truly hoped it didn’t come to that. Nixon and Teddy would be upset if I was forced to break one of their best players.
“Was this whole thing orchestrated as a way for you to tell me it’s all going to be okay? Because I’ve gotta tell you, you don’t know shit about what it’s like for me out there. You have no fucking clue what it’s like to dread waking up every morning, because you never know if today’s going to be the day everything goes south and you’re the laughingstock of the fucking league. You want to know how I deal with the stress of my life?”
