I chose to do what I did best—go for the vague response. “You know how it is. Life gets complicated and sometimes you drift apart.”
“Look, I’m not trying to upset you, but I need to know if him being here is going to be a problem. I’m already dealing with the show, rookies who don’t think they should have to play by the rules now that they’re out of college, vets who’re certain we’d never cut them because they’re invaluable to the team, the league coming down on me about the situation with Zach, Zach trying to pretend he’s not waiting for the world to crash down around him, and the list goes on,” Teddy rambled, leaning in close enough to speak without fear of being overheard. “While it’s not healthy for you to do the very thing we’re trying to break Zach of, I’m willing to act as a buffer if there’s a reason you don’t want to see or talk to Lincoln while he’s in town. I need you focused on getting those boys ready, and right now, I’m pretty sure the only reason they’re busting ass in the gym is fear.”
“Nothing wrong with that,” I quipped. I often wondered if Teddy got sick of having to act as a buffer between me and the rest of the world. He’d been doing it for years now, and it definitely wasn’t something he’d counted on when I was hired.
“There is when they’re all pushing so hard,” Teddy countered. “It’s not just Zach I’m worried about. A few of the veterans have come to me, asking what’s been going on with you for the past week. And the only thing I can think of that’s changed is I asked you to talk to Lincoln. So, I’m going to ask you one more time; are you capable of being around him without his presence messing with your head more than it already has? You don’t have to tell me why talking to him affected you the way it did, just assure me you’ll work on pulling your head out of your ass.”
“You have my word,” I promised. And speak of the devil, Lincoln chose that exact moment to walk onto the patio. Our eyes met and what felt like a jolt of electricity zinged through my body.
I could feel Teddy watching for any sign of discomfort, ready to kick me out if he thought it was best for my emotional stability or current lack thereof. Shrugging him off as I stood, I took the first step toward reconciling my past. At least for the next few days, Linc was going to be in town, and I’d do everything in my power to keep my promise to Teddy.
My arms hung limply at my sides when I reached Linc, unsure what I should do. In the past, I would’ve reached out to hug him. No one thought anything of it, because when we were in public, our touches were limited to those deemed acceptable between two men. A handshake would’ve set a professional tone, but felt too impersonal given that most of the men here knew we used to be friends.
Linc broke the awkward silence first. “You look good.”
Total bullshit, but I wasn’t going to contradict him now. Years of pushing athletes to be the best of the best had turned my once smooth face into a road map of worry. Too much time in the sun left my skin tan, but about as soft as worn leather. Any lingering good looks had been wiped away by a week of sleepless nights.
Yeah, total model material here. “How was your trip?”
“Uneventful.” Lincoln shrugged. Teddy appeared with a fresh drink for both of us, margaritas this time, and just as quickly backed away to give us a few minutes of privacy. I led Linc to the side yard. Once we were out of everyone’s sight, I gave in to the urge to touch him. A quick squeeze of his shoulder. It didn’t mean anything. It was something friends did all the time.Right?“Nix, what’s going on?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted, because I’d obviously lost my mind.
My brain screamed at me to shut the hell up and walk away. The beads of sweat trickling down my back had nothing to do with the afternoon heat and everything to do with the way my body reacted to Linc. Those involuntary reactions led me to doing stupid things in the past, like suggesting to Lincoln that we explore whatever the hell it was between us.
My heart ached with the memory of Lincoln flinching away as if I’d slapped him. Taking a step back physically hurt, but I had to be smart. Lincoln had told me he wasn’t ready to even think about having a relationship and had shown no indication that he’d changed his mind. We were at a barbecue with most of the Breakers’ coaching staff.
Shit. I needed to get a fucking grip. Maybe Teddy was right and leaving would be best for everyone. I could hide out in the training room until Lincoln’s flight back to Alabama was in the air. And then, I could delete Lincoln’s number from my phone and move on with my life like I’d sworn to do for the past few years.
“Can we talk later?” Lincoln asked, stepping into the space I’d put between us. “Even if we never talk again once I leave, I think there’s a lot that’s been left unsaid between us for far too long. Things I should’ve told you but didn’t.”
No. This couldn’t be happening. Shouldn’t ever happen. Linc had his life and I had mine. While he wasn’t in the spotlight to the extent that he’d been when he was playing, chances were high he’d be feeling that particular heat again in the coming year.
His son was set to follow his father’s lead, entering the NAFL draft next year, and the news outlets were bound to latch on to the human interest side of a second-generation player. And even if Lincoln was willing to take that chance, I wasn’t. I’d spent my entire life carefully guarding my private life and saw no reason to change that now.
Even if I was madly in love with Lincoln, which I wasn’t, I couldn’t see myself ever being okay with people knowing my personal business. Hell, for years, the one thing that kept me from being bitter about never fulfilling my own childhood dreams of playing football was knowing I’d never be subjected to the scrutiny a lot of players faced. Shit like what was going to happen with Zach.
“We’ll have to see,” I responded, already trying to find an escape from this conversation. We should’ve stayed where everyone else could see us. Then, we’d have been forced to keep things professional. I wandered back toward the party, inserting myself into a discussion about which players would be cut from the team later in the week.
“What are your thoughts, Nixon?” Teddy asked.
I hated these talks. Sure, we all knew guys who didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of seeing a minute of regular season play, but I’d always preferred to push those players even harder in hopes they might turn things around. It was probably the only area of my life where anyone could call me soft. Just getting an invite to camp was a huge honor, meant someone saw potential in them, and it was my job to make sure they were as prepared as possible when they stepped onto the field.
“Man, just a few days left before everyone in the weight room tries to avoid you like the plague.” Everyone chuckled at Bingham’s remark.
That was true. The first year, it had annoyed me to see everyone averting their eyes during workouts. I wanted to scream at everyone to man up and deal with their fate. That ended pretty quickly the first time Teddy caught me off guard, cutting a player I’d been certain we’d keep on the roster.
By my third year, I’d gotten used to it and I made a game out of seeing how many players I could freak out, approaching them just to ask how their day was going. I’d been called a prick or an asshole more times than I could count over the past few years. Last year, looking to shake things up a bit, I fully embraced my role, walking into the training room the morning of first cuts wearing a grim reaper costume.
“Yeah, well now that we’ve got a solid team, I’m going to have to find new ways to torture the guys this year,” I quipped.
“Damn, Cross, you’re evil.” Dean McGraw laughed, wiping beer foam away with the back of his hand. The guy wasn’t the most refined, but then again, who in the hell was I to criticize his jagged edges? Besides, I’d bet a year’s salary he’d be lurking, just out of sight, dying to see what I’d come up with. “Say, what are your thoughts about Kendricks? He looks good this season, but something’s off with him.”
Hell. Teddy had been waiting to see what the league said about the “situation” between Zach and the show. Until we had a better idea of how Zach was going to react, we weren’t sure what to tell the rest of the coaching staff. Neither of us wanted to betray what he’d told us in confidence, but on the flip side, everyone was bound to find out sooner than any of us would like; maybe the time had come to circle the wagons.
If nothing else, anyone who had a problem with him being gay could work through their feelings in private so they’d be able to support him in front of the team. A united front was the only way I saw for us to help Zach make it through the show without obliterating his career.
Teddy was keeping a close eye on the grill, but I waved him over. He needed to take point. He was the leader here; I simply did what he asked of me. Dean cracked open the cooler, handing everyone another round.Good plan, McGraw. We’re all going to need it.
