It took longer than anticipated, given the bumper-to-bumper traffic in the parking lot. This was one annoyance I rarely had to suffer on game day. By the time we left the stadium, the crews working to clear the parking lots of the detritus left behind by tailgaters were the only potential hazard.
Dinner wasn’t going to allow us privacy, which was part of the appeal to eating out. I was still wrestling with what I wanted to say to Lincoln. My heart wanted me to beg him to give me the chance I’d been denied years earlier.
My stubborn mind, on the other hand, kept reminding me that our desires were too misaligned to guard that foolish heart from shattering when Lincoln decided he wanted to settle down and build a home with someone.
I didn’t want him creating a life with anyone but me, even if I wasn’t in an emotional place where I could give him that.
“You think much harder and we’re going to have smoke filling up the car,” Lincoln warned me. His hands gripped the steering wheel tight enough I half expected it to crack under the pressure. A muscle at the corner of his jaw twitched as he ground his teeth.
I took a deep breath and hoped for the best, still not knowing what I was going to say. “I was serious when I suggested you come to Wilmington. If you want, you can crash at my place, but if not, there are plenty of short-term rentals. You might have to wait a bit for tourist season to start winding down, but you could probably find someone more than happy to rent you a condo for however long you want to stay.”
Okay, that went better than I’d expected. At least I hadn’t resorted to begging him to stay with me. In my bed. Forever. Because that was a very, very bad plan.
“You seem to have thought quite a bit about this little proposal of yours.” There was a teasing lilt to Lincoln’s voice, but it was worth it for the brilliant smile he flashed my way. “If I was to stay at your place, would I be in the guest room? I know it’s forward, but I think we’re well past the point of dancing around the subject.”
“I’d gladly let you stay in whichever bed you preferred,” I told him. “We’d probably clear out the guest room for you so you’d have your space, but beyond that, I think it’d be for the best to play it by ear.”
It was a damn good thing we were still stuck in traffic, otherwise Lincoln tugging on the wheel would’ve sent us careening into a ditch. “Just like that?”
“Huh?”
“Nix, you’ve avoided me for a month.” Lincoln’s playful demeanor from moments ago vanished. He frowned, reaching up to scrub the back of his neck. “I keep trying to remind myself that this is the way you’ve always been, but if you’re saying what I think you are, you’re going to need to be up front with me. No more of this hot and cold bullshit. I’m not asking you for a marriage proposal, but I need you to be honest with me about your feelings. Because right now, I feel like you’ve been anything but.”
That stung. I’d always prided myself on being brutally honest, even when the other person didn’t want to hear it. But Lincoln was right; I hadn’t been honest with him about what I wanted. I’d framed it in my mind that I had been completely truthful about what I could give him, but those were two very different things.
“I understand,” I told him. Traffic cleared a bit and Linc turned onto the highway. “If it’s any consolation, I’m not trying to lie to you. I guess…”
The truth choked me, leaving me unable to speak, struggling to breathe. I’d almost always pushed away my feelings, driven only by the goals that made sense in my head. So far, that’d worked okay for me, but my life was far from perfect. But it could be, if only I admitted my fears to Linc.
“You guess what, Nix?” Linc prodded when the silence dragged on. He reached over, squeezing my knee. “I know this isn’t normal for you, but tell me. Don’t hold back. Whatever’s on your mind, spit it out.”
“Easy for you to say,” I grumbled, staring out the side window because that was safer than looking at Linc. His light hazel eyes captivated me, hypnotized me and made me stupid. “I’m still the same as I was the last time we talked. I’m not a relationship guy, especially not with someone who wants to be out and proud.”
“Oh Nix, I never—” I held up a hand to silence him. This wasn’t the time for platitudes.
“Let me finish, please,” I pleaded. This was difficult enough without him trying to ease my screwed-up head. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to offer you what you’re looking for, but if you’re willing to meet me in the middle, I’d like to try. We’ve ignored the attraction between us for years and I’m tired. I’m so damn tired of constantly pretending like being friends with you is enough. I’m tired of fighting with myself, because I know you deserve more than me. I’m just… I can’t keep fighting against it, Linc.”
That strong hand on my knee started massaging my thigh and I felt the tension seeping out of my bones. “Then stop fighting, Nix. And remember you’re not the only one who screwed up here. If I’d explained myself better, maybe we wouldn’t be stuck where we’re at now. I’m sorry I turned you away, but you meant too much to me to be a rebound. And back when you tried asking me for something more, that’s what you would’ve been. You’d have been a safety net, and I never wanted that for you. For us.”
“Okay.”
“Okay? We really need to work on your communication skills, Nix.” Lincoln took the next exit and turned his focus to winding through a residential area of town.
“Yeah, okay,” I repeated. “We both fucked up. Now, we need to figure out if we can keep from doing it all over again. So, let’s see what happens. But you have to promise that if I come through on every fault you’ve been warned about, you aren’t going to hate me. I know I was the asshole who stopped calling you, but I’d prefer to not go back to that.”
“Never,” he promised me. “No matter what happens, we were friends first and we will stay friends. But you have to promise me you won’t let your aversion to being seen override whatever it is you truly want.”
“I’ll do my best.” I wasn’t going to make him that promise, because I still wasn’t sure I could follow through.
My heart raced as I realized I’d just gone from the consummate bachelor to…dating my best friend? This was going to be interesting, to say the least.
9
Lincoln
Nixon seemedready to crawl out of his skin by the time the waitress dropped off the check to our table after dinner. The conversation had been a bit stilted at times with neither of us broaching any personal topics in the middle of the restaurant. Mostly, we talked about Hunter and his insistence that he wanted to enter the draft in the spring. Nixon didn’t see why I was so upset about his decision to leave school a year early, and I was annoyed that he wasn’t taking my side.
Nixon’s leg bounced faster and faster the closer we got to my house. He’d been there before, but never as more than a friend. He’d accepted every invitation Isabella made for dinner, despite how much both of us struggled to ignore the sparks between us.
