“Man, I wish.” I sighed heavily and took a sip of the whiskey before leaning forward, propping my elbows on my knees. “I know you and Sam are solid now, but was being…you know, was it natural for you?”
“Ah, having a bit of self-doubt?”
I shrugged. It hadn’t been what was bothering me, but since it’s what came out of my mouth, I figured we might as well tackle one of the topics bogging down my brain. And thiswassomething he could help with. “Maybe a bit. I’ve been around plenty of different dynamics at work, and I’m not new to the scene in general. But the whole Daddy thing, that’s new.”
“How new? Did you agree to it because it’s what Maverick wants?”
I shook my head. “Nah, not like that. He said it a couple of times in a teasing way, but looking back, I think that might be because I was acting like he needed someone to look after him.”
“And he does,” Theron agreed. “But why doyouwant it?”
“What do you mean?”
“Are you going with the flow because you think that’s what he needs, or do you get something out of it, too?”
Fuck. I’d never thought about it quite like that. I’d just been focused on what Mav needed. I wanted to offer it before he asked. I wanted to be the one he came to when he had a rough day at work. I wanted to help him relax every night with a bath and some cuddling before we went to sleep. Ironically, sex—the very thing that brought us together—was a benefit but not something I needed.
I must have been quiet too long because Theron decided to explain his question by talking about his own relationship. “To answer your question, no, I wasn’t new to the lifestyle or to being a Daddy when Sam and I met. I hadn’t had a boy of my own for a long time, and I wasn’t sure I’d find one.
“For me, it’s about the sheer trust Sammy has when he’s little. It’s there all the time, but it fills something inside of me when he lets go completely, relying on me for his every need,” Theron explained. He ran a finger over the rim of his glass. “There’s nothing better in the world than coming home after a long day and seeing the way his eyes light up. He’s fun and silly and keeps me young. You and Maverick might have a different dynamic than we do, but I’ve watched the two of you since you started hanging around.”
“And?” I was genuinely curious to hear what he thought of our relationship from an outsider’s perspective.
“You’d take a bullet for that sweet boy. You’re fiercely protective, but more importantly, you loveall of him,” Theron said confidently.
I wasn’t so sure about the love bit. I mean, I cared deeply, but if Ilovedhim, the other, bigger problem in my life should be easy to answer. When I opened my mouth to dispute Theron’s statement, he held up a hand to silence me.
If he shot that same glare at students who wound up in his office, I had no doubt they shut the hell up. “Don’t jump to the easy answer here. I’d ask you to really think about what it would be like if you walked out the door and didn’t see him again.”
A sharp pain shot through my chest. I pressed my fist over my heart, desperate to ease the ache. Icouldn’tthink about leaving him. But I also couldn’t imagine turning my back on my brother for anything.
“There’s something more going on than just your confusion about your relationship, isn’t there?” Either I had a shit poker face or Theron was a damned mind reader.
“Family shit,” I offered, unwilling to give up anything more. No one at the club knew about what my brother got up to and I wanted to keep it that way. They weren’t bad guys—probably some of the best out there, honestly—but people tended to get a certain image in their minds when they heard the words motorcycle club.
“If you need an ear, I’m here,” he told me. I shook my head. “If you’re worried I’m going to run to Maverick with whatever’s weighing you down, you can be sure I won’t. And I’m not going to automatically take his side simply because he’s friends with Sam. You need friends, too, John.”
“I have—” I didn’t finish my lie. There were people I talked to, even some I hung out with from time to time, but when pressed I couldn’t think of anyone who had my back no matter what. And that was on me. I had kept everyone at a distance, trying to keep my life neatly contained in separate boxes, and this was the result. I could either keep going as I had been, or I could change. Turning over a new leaf meant opening up to someone. “Yeah, you’re right.”
“So, maybe this sounds childish or whatever, but if you’d like, I’ll be your friend,” he offered with a wry smirk. “You can think of it like a test drive. If it’s not for you, no one will be the wiser. What have you got to lose?”
Fucking everything.For the first time in years, I felt like my entire life was on the line.
But I couldn’t let fear rule me any longer. “My brother… Let’s just say, he doesn’t run with the most welcoming bunch.”
“And they don’t know you’re into men?” Theron guessed.
“Hell no,” I scoffed. “And until Mav, I didn’t know, either. Maybe I was lying to myself or maybe there’s just something about him that I can’t resist. But now, my brother’s asking me to help him with some trouble he’s run into…”
“And you’re worried about how he’s going to take the news that you’re with a man,” Theron offered when I stalled, not sure how much I could say to him.
I shook my head. I mean, yeah, I was worried about that, but it wasn’t my biggest concern. Mav still didn’t know about that side of my life, and that was by design. He was goodness and light, and if I was honest, I wasn’t sure I wanted to expose him to the club. Even if hell froze over and they welcomed him with open arms, it wasn’t always pretty. I never wanted to dull his shine.
“Then what is it?” He wasn’t letting this go. And I wasn’t sure I wanted him to. Now that I was opening up to someone, I wanted to lance it like a wound. “I can’t let you go downstairs while you’re this worked up. It’ll upset both of the boys, and then we’re going to have to calm them down. So how about you tell me, and we sort this shit out so we can spend some time with our boys.”
That sounded like a hell of a lot better way to spend the night. I grabbed the back of my neck, gearing up to tell him my life story. He was going to learn shit Mav didn’t know, which felt a million different shades of wrong. After this, I promised myself, I would tell Mav everything he needed to know.
Theron didn’t flinch as I told him about my brother’s rough past. The club, his trouble with the law, him trying to clean up his act but not being able to get away from the life completely. Les cheating on me and the dark place I’d found myself in after that. Me deciding a camper on the land our parents had left us was a good place to live. All of it.
