I didn’t go straight homeafter leaving the park. I wasn’t ready to talk to Mason. Instead, I found myself sitting on the beach at Eric’s house. The little girl next door waved to me as I burrowed my toes into the freezing, wet sand. I lifted my hand, offering her a sad smile. Her dad called her up to the house and I watched her run up the stairs and into his arms.
As I watched her waving her arms in the air as she told him a story, I thought about the last time I’d been here with Mason. I wondered if he’d known then that he wouldn’t be playing much longer.
He’d asked me if I’d thought about having a family, and I blew him off. I’d never allowed myself to go there, because I couldn’t imagine a life shared with someone else.
I fully expected to stay buried in the back of the closet until retirement. By then, I figured it’d be too late to find a partner, or to find one who understood that it’d be impossible for me to stop hiding overnight. Then Mason came and changed everything.
Now, I watched and wondered what it’d be like to have a daughter who looked at me as if I was the center of her universe. How it’d feel to walk through the door to messes and noise. What it would be like knowing that Mason would be waiting for me every time I stepped off the plane from another road trip.
Once I got over being pissed off that he seemed so nonchalant about retiring without giving me a heads-up and being terrified that I’d be making my own announcement after being ostracized by my team, I realized I was really angry and scared about what I was feeling; out of control. And even worse, Mason made me want what I’d given up on to have the life I dreamed of.
I closed my eyes tight when I heard footsteps coming down the weatherworn stairs. Part of me wanted to turn around to see Mason walking toward me, but the larger part of me was scared it wouldn’t be him.
“Figured I’d find you here.” Jason plopped down next to me. He shouldn’t be here; he should still be at the field. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and saw I’d been sitting here longer than I’d thought. “I bailed as soon as the last out was called. Told Stu I had something to take care of that couldn’t wait. He told me to remind you to have your ass at the park early tomorrow to make up for today.”
“Is there any point?” I asked. It wasn’t the question that weighed on my mind, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to know what the guys thought of my announcement. Even though I knew it was a possibility, I wasn’t sure my fragile psyche could handle hearing that they were disgusted by me now that they knew the truth.
“Hell yes, there is,” he insisted. “For one thing, Ackerman’s going to be even more pissed if you don’t show since he threatened to suspend two relievers and Ramirez if they didn’t shut their damned mouths.”
“Anyone else pissed to find out there’s a freak in their midst?” I asked. Jason winced at the assumption, but I know he knew what I meant. If anything, I imagined it weighed heavily on his mind that his closet door was still securely locked.
“No one else was stupid enough to say anything if they did have an issue,” he told me as he placed a hand on my knee. “Look, I’m not saying it’s going to be the way it’s always been, not at first. Peoplearepissed, but not necessarily because you’re gay. They care about you. They think you didn’t trust them enough to be straight.”
“Nice choice of words,” I scoffed. Jason rolled his eyes.
“You know what I mean. It’s going to take time, but if you walk in there tomorrow and show them that nothing’s changed, eventually they’ll agree,” he suggested. “And you know damn well that someday, you won’t be the only one out on the team. Hell, maybe you can talk to Drew, because I’m pretty sure that kid’s going to get his ass kicked pretty soon if he doesn’t stop gawking.”
Jason and I sat there talking about the game a while longer. Eventually, he stood and held out a hand to me. “As much as I love sitting here with you, there’s someone else you need to talk to,” he reminded me.
I got up and brushed the sand off my pants. Nothing would get resolved if I stayed out here and it was more important than ever that Mason and I face whatever headed our way together. I pulled Jason into a friendly hug before he left. “Thanks, Jason. I’m not sure you’ll ever know how much you’ve helped me in the past few months.”
“Oh, I know.” He laughed. “And believe me, the day will come when you can repay the favor.”
“Looking forward to it,” I told him. As we walked back to the driveway, I felt as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
I texted Bill before backing out of the driveway to let him know I’d be there shortly. He told me that Mason had been hiding in our room most of the afternoon and that he thought it’d be for the best to give us some time alone.
I felt bad when he told me they’d be at a hotel for the night, but agreed that it’d be easier for us if we didn’t have to worry about anyone hearing what could potentially be a tense, sometimes loud, argument. They’d already done more than I could ever express gratitude for, so after asking what hotel they were staying at, I quickly called to give the front desk my credit card information. It was the least I could do, but it was something.
As expected, I found Mason lying in our bed staring at the ceiling. When I walked into the room, he didn’t even acknowledge me. I toed off my shoes and hung my suit in the closet after changing into something more comfortable. He placed his hand over mine when I curled up next to him.
“Mace, I’m sorry if I was a dick to you,” I started. I pressed my lips to his bicep, closing my eyes for a moment. I offered up a silent prayer it wasn’t too late to fix the damage that had been done.”
“It’s fine,” he said flatly. “You were right. It was shitty of me to not make you see how serious I was when I said I’d been thinking about making this year my last, even before we got together. I knew you’d try to talk me out of it. And then, once we were together, I was scared you’d push me away, thinking I was doing it for you.”
He rolled to his side, wincing at the pressure on the side of his face. I sat with my back against the headboard and lifted him up so he could lean on me. From what the doctors had told him, he shouldn’t have been laying down at all yet, but it seemed out of line to scold him when he was in the midst of a full sulk. “You still should have told me. I might have reacted that way at first, but if this is what you really want to do, and you can assure me it’s because it’s whatyou want,regardless of anything else, then I’d support that.”
Mason turned to face me, more determined than I’d seen him in a long time. I’d chalked up his seeming insecurity to trying to find his footing in this new world he’d stepped into by admitting his sexuality, but that wasn’t it. He’d been trapped by a life he only thought he wanted. He’d told me as much, and I hadn’t truly listened.
“Sean, as much as I love you, I think we both know that alone wouldn’t keep me off the field,” he admitted. “If my heart was torn between you and baseball, I would have found a way to have both. Granted, it’s sucked a lot of the time, but we’ve already proven that we can do it. The problem is, I like baseball, but I don’t love it anymore. I haven’t for a while. I thought I was stressed out because of everything with Teresa, but the truth is it’s time for me to move on.”
I couldn’t understand waking up and not wanting to do something you’ve worked your entire life for, but as we sat there curled up to one another, I realized I didn’t have to. All I had to do was be there for him. “So what’s next? If you don’t want to play anymore, what are you going to do?”
“Actually, I’ve been talking to a buddy of mine and he offered me a way to combine journalism and baseball.” After the day we’d had, I bristled to think of him working for the enemy. And at that moment, anyone involved in the media was the enemy because I still didn’t know whom that woman this morning worked for. “Listen, I felt the same way you do at first. I know how many companies live to find a story, even when there is none, but this is a good deal. It’s withSports News Weekly.”
He was right, they were a reputable news outlet for everything sports-related. Their staff cared about sticking to what mattered (the game) while making the stories entertaining at the same time. I wasn’t ashamed to admit their online magazine was one of my favorites.
“Won’t that still require you to travel all the time?”
