“I’m not running away from anything, Abi,” I argued. When I reached behind my seat for the duffel bag, her face contorted as if to say ‘Oh yeah, then what’s that?’ “Okay, so maybe that’s what it looks like, but honestly, it’s time for me to get back to my life. Sean made a good point this morning when he said he can’t afford any distractions right now.”
“And you’re going to let him push you away like that?” she scoffed. “Look, he tweaks every time he gets stressed. What my brother needs isn’t space or time away from you. He needs to know that you’re in this as much as he is. I think part of the reason he’s never wanted a relationship is because he’s afraid no one will ever understand how important baseball is to him. Whether he admits it or not, he’s still trying to prove to our parents that he didn’t fuck up his entire life by dropping out of college. What he fails to realize is that they’llneveraccept him for who he is.”
I curled my hand around her fingers. Abi’s heart was in the right place, but nothing she said would change my mind. I already knew all of this about Sean.
“I get it,” I assured her. “But he’s not the only one who has a life to live. I have a lot of shit swirling around in my head right now, and I need time to figure out what I really want. Baseball isn’t what it used to be to me, but is that because I’m burned out or because I’m letting other factors cloud my judgment? When Sean and I are together, it’s like nothing else matters other than finding a way to be with him.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?” She looked at me as if I were insane for thinking that being completely consumed by another person was a bad thing. Oh, to still have the innocence of youth. I’d much rathernothave the crappy life experiences that have left me jaded.
“It might sound like it, but it’s really not. I said some pretty fucked up shit the other night. I’m pretty sure that’s part of why your brother’s been so touchy this week, but honestly, he had every right to freak out.” Between confessing to him that I still wanted a family and basically telling him I’d pick him over baseball, I couldn’t blame him from pulling away from me.
And I wasn’t sure if I meant that last part. Sitting on the DL in the middle of a shitty year, I did wonder if walking away was nothing more than me considering an easy out.
“That’s stupid.” Abi slumped back in her seat. “Whether or not the two of you can admit it, you’re seriously in love already. How can you call a time-out on something like that?”
“Because sometimes, being in love with a person isn’t enough.” It sounded like something from a fucked up fortune cookie. “Look, this may not make sense to you, but I need you to promise me you won’t grill him the way you did me. I waited seven years to tell him how I felt about him, it’s not going to kill me to hit the pause button for a little while.”
Abi made a tsking sound as she started the truck. “It’s like I said before, guys are fucked up,” she said, more to herself than to me. She gripped the steering wheel at ten and two and looked straight ahead out the windshield until I took the hint and opened the door. “Mason, it may not kill you, but have you thought about what this is doing to him?”
I closed my eyes tight enough that I saw spots, hoping I could hold it together until I got inside. “More than you know.”
I slammed the door closed and started walking toward the players’ entrance. Abi squealed the tires as she tore out of the parking lot and I wondered if she’d ever forgive me.
The first few hours after Abi left weren’t so bad. My hand no longer hurt as much as it had the first few days, and when my mind wandered to the talk with Sean, I pushed those thoughts away.
The only thing I allowed myself to think about was the next exercise and doing what needed to be done to get back on the field. As much as I questioned whether I would have a job at the end of the season, I couldn’t let myself give up.
It wasn’t until I got home that the weight of what I’d done settled onto my chest. He’d only been here once, but Sean had left an indelible mark on my space. When I walked into the living room, I remembered revealing the only secret I’d ever kept from him. I considered every word I said that night and how much it meant to me that he didn’t push me away.
Looking back, I questioned whether I could have done more to make him understand that my attraction to him wasn’t part of an early mid-life crisis, it was me being true to myself for the first time in my life.
In the kitchen, I thought about the morning after. About telling him that I had no regrets. I wondered if I could give the same answer if he was in front of me today.
Did I regret admitting my feelings for him?
No.
But I did think that being completely honest with him had driven a wedge between us. And just because Iwantedto make changes in my life didn’t mean I thought it’d ever happen. The night at the lake had simply been a way for me to purge all the shit piling up, threatening to bury me.
The pit in my stomach grew as I walked down the short hall to the bedrooms. I never made it further than flicking on the light to my room before I wanted to punch something.
It irritated me that the housekeeper had changed the sheets, even though she was only doing her job. I wanted to curl up in the blankets and smell his scent on the sheets. I deserved that small torture for walking away from him.
The only room not tainted by memories of him was the main bathroom, so that’s where I spent nearly an hour trying to get a fucking grip. I closed the lid of the toilet and sat, flipping through websites and social media pages without comprehending a single word.
I showered, hoping that’d help me relax. As I shaved the coarse stubble on my cheeks, I glanced down at my phone and considered calling Sean to admit that I’d made a mistake.
I didn’t. I couldn’t. Logically, I knew that we’d both allowed ourselves to be swept up by the rush of a new relationship. It was a high that couldn’t last forever, and we owed it to one another to step back and see if we’d come back together stronger and more able to cope with the stresses in our lives.
It wound up being a long, sleepless night. I finally gave up on trying to sleep in my bed and flopped down onto the couch with a pillow and the thin quilt my mom sent with me when I went off to college. Even that held memories of Sean, both because he loved to pick on me for my attachment to it and because I’d come home several times to find him relaxed on our crappy sofa with it draped over his legs.
When I gave up on trying to sleep, I stumbled into the bathroom and found my phone still sitting on the vanity. I picked it up and saw three missed calls and a text message. Without opening it, I knew it’d be from Sean.
Mace, I’m sorry about today. You know I’m still trying to get used to thinking about someone other than myself. Please, call me.
As I stared at the screen, my resolve to put distance between us fractured. I hated being away from him. Despised myself for making a decision that affected both of us without even talking to him.
When I started to pull up his number, the universe stepped in and told me I was right to step back. Since my phone had been sitting on the counter all night, it hadn’t been charged and the battery died. I plugged it into the charger at the kitchen island before getting dressed so I could head to the park. And I deliberately walked out without my phone so I wouldn’t be tempted to call him.
