I started second-guessingmy decision to surprise the guys before too long. If things were already tense with Zach's dad, the last thing I wanted to do was add to the stress.
“Maybe this wasn't such a good idea,” I said to no one in particular. Jayden groaned and Chase glared at me.
“Are you kidding me right now? You need to make a decision and go with it. We’re not spending the entire afternoon driving back and forth on the same stretch of road because you can't make up your damn mind.” My brother’s outburst made me flinch. He was usually the more easy-going of the two of them. If he was sick of my shit, I could only imagine how Jayden felt.
“Easy there, killer,” Jayden said, patting Chase’s knee. “This is a big decision. It's normal that he’s worried about fucking up. You know how Zach can be sometimes.”
“Yeah, but my butt is starting to go numb from sitting in the car all day,” Chase whined. I couldn’t see his face, but I imagined he was doing that sickeningly cute pouting thing that matched his little voice. It was weird seeing him straddle the line between little and big, but I was proud of him for feeling secure enough to let both sides out around me.
“Don't worry, I'll take care of that for you later,” Jayden promised.
“Gross,” I protested. “That's my brother.”
“You're not going to change the subject.” Chase twisted around in his seat. “Where is this coming from? I thought you said you wanted to take care of them.”
“I do,” I insisted. “But what if this isn't the way I'm supposed to do it? I don't want to make things worse for Zach. He was already nervous about how this visit was going to go. He gets really testy when he thinks either of us are trying to save him.”
“There’s a difference between saving and supporting,” Chase argued. “And that's exactly why you need to be there for them. Listen, I know you're still new to things, but if you want to explore any sort of power exchange with them, you need to get your shit together.”
“Chase, go easy on him. You need to remember, not everyone falls into it as comfortably as you did.” Having Jayden be the one on my side felt strange, yet I was grateful for his support. “The bigger problem is, the three of you have been trying to figure things out naturally. While that can work for some things, Chase is right; if you seriously want to earn their submission, they need to know they can look to you for support. It might be time to actually learn what is expected of you so you’re able to do it. The internet isn’t going to give you that.”
“That's what I'm trying to do. And I do want this. When things are going well, it's the best feeling in the world. I love knowing that, even though I'm younger than them, I can be the one they turned to when they need something.” I didn’t tell them that the deeper our relationship grew, the more I felt like a fraud. Like maybe the idea of having someone submit to me was all about my ego and desire to be the one in control for a change.
But then, Zach would turn to me for guidance or support and it was the best feeling in the world. It wasn’t about power; it was about knowing that he trusted me. Jayden was right; I needed to get my shit together, so Zach and Daniel didn’t lose that faith.
“Then hang onto that,” Jayden suggested. “Don’t jump into things without thinking them through, but also trust your gut. And when we get home, you should come down to the club and talk to my uncle.”
“Yeah, because that won't be weird at all,” I scoffed.
“Believe me, I get it. But if I had to get over my shit to ask my uncle for relationship advice, then you can do the same. You have no idea how weird it is knowing that he knows about my relationship, but also that we’ve become friends with his partner because we’re into the same things.” Jayden visibly shuddered and Chase laughed. “Basically, you just need to figure out if those guys are worth it to you.”
“They are,” I responded immediately. They were everything to me, which was part of why I was starting to worry about losing them. Every school break felt like another step closer to when they’d graduate, and that was something we couldn’t ignore much longer.
“It sounds like you have your answer. So, am I taking the next exit or are we still heading to Zach's house?” Jayden tapped his fingers against the steering wheel.
“I should probably give them a heads up though, right? I thought about surprising them, but that could be too much for Zach right now.”
“Then text Daniel and let him know what’s going on,” Jayden suggested. “Remember, go with your gut. Getting insecure, all of a sudden, isn't going to do this relationship any favors. Communication is important in any relationship, but even more when there are three of you involved. If Daniel says it’s not a good idea to show up, then we’ll turn around. And you can't get jealous or feel left out. It’s not about you, it’s about Zach, and he needs to know you’re doing whatever is best for him, even if that means worrying about him from Mom and Dad’s.”
I slumped back in the seat. It would've been easier to argue with Jayden if his words hadn't struck so close. I was the one who insisted on always talking about whatever we were feeling, and now I was the one holding back.
They'd asked, several times, if I was okay with the two of them heading to Zack's dad's for Thanksgiving while I headed home, and I’d sworn that it was fine. And it was. Mostly. I hadn't anticipated how difficult it would be, thinking about the two of them spending the holiday together without me.
But this was real life. It would never be easy for us to figure out where we were spending our time, and this was likely to be the first of many times when we couldn't all be together. At some point, it was entirely possible that Zach and I, or Daniel and I, would be together and someone else would be left out.
“I hate you sometimes,” I complained, kicking the back of Jayden’s seat. “Why do you have to make sense?”
“Just telling it like I see it. You're a good guy, Colin. And even though I'll probably never understand what you see in them, anyone who's seen you with Zach and Daniel knows how good the three of you are together. I'm not going to let you screw that up.”
“Thanks.”
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and stared at the screen, trying to figure out what to say. Finally, I settled with a simple question.
Are you guys still at his dad's?
Daniel's response was almost immediate.Yeah. I’m hiding out in Zach’s room.
That didn't sound good at all.Why are you hiding?
