“This isn't some older pervert who pushed you boys into something, is it? You're safe?” His nostrils flared as he took deep breaths, trying to stay calm.
“Yes, dad, we're safe,” I quickly reassured him. “Colin is the new guy in our suite. His brother, Chase, moved in last year. And Daniel and I have been roommates since freshman year. Colin helped the two of us get our heads out of our asses, and now he’s with us.”
“Probably doesn't say much about me that you're going to graduate soon, and I don't even know your friends, does it?”
“I know you’ve been busy with the shop,” I said, trying to let him off the hook. “And I know it might make me a bad person, but I'm not sure I was ready to have you in my space.”
“Can't say as I much blame you,” Dad grumbled. “I really did a crap job on this whole raisin’ you thing, didn't I?”
“Maybe, but let's face it, neither of us asked to be here.” I hadn't done it in a hell of a long time, but I couldn't resist the urge to give my old man a hug. Seeing that he was trying, even if he struggled with the idea of me having two boyfriends, I felt like an asshole for assuming he'd react poorly.
“You're really okay with all this? I thought for sure, you would boot my ass out if you found out about me.”
“Zachary, I couldn't do that.” There was no hesitation in my old man's response. His shoulders slumped forward, and he wiped at his eyes. Fuck, all the feels were coming out now and I wasn’t sure I liked it. He wasn’t supposed to be this emotional. “I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive myself for letting you think otherwise. It means I failed you even more than I thought I had.”
Dad poured two cups of coffee and nodded toward the den. The formal living room at the front of the house went mostly unused, other than storage for random crap. Dad always said he felt like he was on display in there. His den, with the dark paneled walls and slightly musty scent, soothed me in a way they never had before.
“I never planned on having kids,” Dad admitted as if he was revealing a huge secret, which he totally wasn’t. Even though he was being far more chill than I’d prepared myself for, it would take a long time to get over my resentment and the shitty things he’d said to me over the years.
He stared into the distance over the top of his coffee mug. Was it coincidence that he'd grabbed the mug I cheekily bought him one year for Father's Day, declaring him as a pretty okay dad? “Your mom and I, we were like oil and water in most ways. But the two of us had our similarities, too. It was why we were drawn to one another in the closed-minded town where we grew up. There were…certain expectations of young people. Being different wasn't an option. I was supposed to meet a nice girl, get her to agree to marry me, and start a family, and the same for her. Anyone who didn't want that, they tried to fix.”
My blood went cold. I couldn’t breathe around the lump in my throat, and my chest hammered against my ribs. He might have screwed me up in more ways than I could count, but if I wasn’t mistaken, he’d done me a huge favor by running away from that place. No wonder we didn’t go back. “By fix, you mean…”
“It was a small town in the South.” My dad closed his eyes and shook his head. Deep lines of pain were etched across his forehead. “I can't say I didn't love your mama, but it was never the way love was supposed to be. Times were changing, but by then, you were on the way. I knew she wasn't going to stick around, and I accepted that. I told her to leave you with me, promised I’d figure out how to raise you on my own.”
Dad's cup nearly fell off the edge of the end table as he tried setting it down. I tried to ignore the way his hand shook. He pinched the bridge of his nose, doubling over, resting his elbows on his knees. “I wanted you, once I knew you were coming, but it wasn’t easy. People pressed even harder for me to find you a stepmom. Said kids needed two parents. Even when things got tough, I refused to let anyone help because they’d think I was weak. I swore I would be better than I had as a kid, but now I can’t help but feel like I did you wrong. You'd think a man like me would've known. I should have known and done better by you. But I couldn't get over my hate. How much I hated others, and how much I hated myself.”
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Or, should I say, what I wasn't hearing. He still hadn't admitted to anything, but it seemed pretty easy to read between the lines. I wanted to hate him even more now, for being such a hard ass, for making me think there was something wrong with guys like me. But I couldn't. The only thing I felt was sorrow for the life he could have had if he'd been raised in a different time.
“It's okay, Dad.” I set down my mug of coffee and kneeled in front of him, curling my hands around his calves. “You did the best you could. Like you said, neither of us asked to be here on our own. There is no handbook. And if you're not ready to say more, I understand. But if you are, know that I'm here for you.”
It was only fair to give him the same invitation he’d extended to me. We needed to get our heads out of our asses if we were to heal.
I nearly toppled to the floor when my dad threw his arms around my back, sobbing into my neck. “I'm sorry, son. If I had it to do all over—”
“No. None of that,” I insisted. One important lesson Daniel and Colin had taught me in the past few months was that you couldn't live your life in the past. All you could do was learn from your mistakes and move forward. “I don't want you regretting anything. Yeah, it gave me a rocky start, but maybe, in the end, I'll be a better man for it. Does that mean I don't have to worry about Daniel using the sleeping bag?”
Dad smirked and let out a huff of laughter. “That boy was way too quick to figure out a way to share a room with you. That was the clincher for me. I can't imagine anyone who ain't in love with you, willingly spending the night in the same room with your noisy ass. I thought about going along with that so you could come out your own time, but it didn't sit right with me. As I started working on dinner, all I could think about was how I wished there’d been someone in my family who loved me no matter what, and I knew I needed to be that person for you.”
“I was having the same problem upstairs,” I admitted. “I didn't want to lie to you, but I wasn't sure how to tell you the truth.”
“Look at me, Zachary,” Dad insisted. When I looked up, he curled his fingers around the back of my neck, forcing me to hold his gaze. “I can't say I'm going to turn into the perfect father overnight but know that I'm here for you. Something's changed about you and I'd like to get to know this grown-up version of you better. That boyfriend of yours, too.”
“And Colin?” Maybe I was pushing my luck, but now that I knew I didn't have to hide, I didn't want to hide any part of myself.
“You never could be satisfied, could you?” Dad teased. “One boyfriend isn't enough?”
“No,” I responded firmly. I knew I wore a dopey smile, but I couldn't help it. “And when you meet Colin, you'll understand why. Without him, we don't work. We’re like that three-legged stool you have behind the counter at the store. If one of us wasn’t there, we’d fall over.”
“Then I can't wait to meet him,” Dad responded softly.
“Neither can I.” Instead of rushing back upstairs to tell Daniel about this Twilight Zone we’d walked into, I stayed in the kitchen, helping Dad make dinner. A warmth settled in my chest as I thought about how the guys would react if I had him write down the recipe so I could make a batch of chili for dinner some night.
Dad was right. Something had changed in me, and for possibly the first time in my life, I liked the guy I’d see when I looked in the mirror.
23
Colin
