“You make that sound like a bad thing,” Zach muttered as I said, “Tell your folks we can go there for Christmas if they’re up for it.”
“I’d like that, but won’t your mom be upset?” Colin worried his bottom lip, trying to hide his smile. “I guess we’re always going to have to juggle the holidays from now on, huh?”
“We’ll figure it out,” I reassured him. “And my mom’s usually picking up extra shifts at Christmas, so it shouldn’t be an issue.”
“Then it sounds like I’d better tell my folks to set a couple extra places next month.” Jayden threatened to leave Colin behind if he didn’t get his ass in the car, so Colin gave me a quick kiss goodbye.
Zach and I waved to them as they pulled out of the student parking lot, not getting into his car until they were out of sight.
* * *
The closer wegot to Zach’s house, the tighter he gripped the steering wheel. I attempted, multiple times, to get him talking about anything that would keep his mind off his worries about seeing his dad for the first time after a few months of freedom, but quickly took the hint from his one word answers that he wasn't interested in talking.
His anxiety was this nearly palpable presence in the car between us. Every time I so much as shifted in my seat, he'd tense like he was worried I might be trying to reach out to comfort him. Don't get me wrong, if I had a thing for being rejected, I definitely would have tried promising him everything would be okay.
“I don't like the man I am when I'm home.” Zach twisted his hands around the steering wheel, staring straight ahead. I sat up straighter, my own hands folded neatly in my lap, well away from him. “I need you to promise me you won't listen to anything he says. And that you'll try to forgive me if I screw up.”
“I can't say I understand what growing up in that house was like for you, but I'll promise I will never forget the man you are when we’re together.” I picked at a loose thread on my jeans while I tried to tamp down my irritation. He was doing so well at school. Not just with being in a relationship, but also academically. It was as if not having to hide himself in the back of the closet had freed him to start looking into his future. It would've been selfish and unfair for me to tell him I believed he was strong enough to stand up for himself. He absolutely was, but he needed to realize that for himself.
“Just…don't hate me, okay?” His voice cracked at the end of his request.
This time, I didn't give a damn if he tried jerking away from me; I placed my hand on his thigh. “I don't think I could ever hate you, Zach. You're a part of me now. I promise I won't let anything that happens, while we’re at your dad's, change how I feel about you, but you need to do me a favor, too.”
Zach's jaw clenched and he didn't answer right away. I gave his leg a gentle squeeze, silently reminding him I was still waiting for his response. He glanced over, the corner of his mouth lifting in a sad smile. “I can't promise much.”
“I get that,” I reassured him. “But no matter what happens, no matter what he tries saying to you, I want you to remember that you have two men who couldn't stop themselves from falling in love with you, and a suite full of friends who will always have your back no matter what.”
Things had never gotten back to how they'd been before Zach started lashing out, but once he'd come out to them, we'd all gotten back to a good place. Then again, maybe part of that had to do with the fact that we were no longer kids, fresh out of high school, on our own for the first time.
In less than a year, our original crew would all graduate and move on with our lives. Who knew where Matt and Brandon might wind up, but the rest of us would likely stick close. Jayden and Chase because of Jayden's family, and Zach and me so we could say with Colin. We were more than buddies at this point, we were family. As long as Zach remembered that, he'd never have to be alone again, regardless of how his dad took the news whenever Zach finally came out to him.
The car lurched as we rolled into town. It wasn't a mechanical issue but a bad case of nerves. Zach was nearly vibrating with dread and stomped on the brake pedal a bit too hard. I pulled one of his hands off the wheel. “Relax. If you go in there anticipating the fight, odds are good you're going to get one. Remember, I'm just the roommate you took pity on, so I didn't have to be home alone for the holiday. Your dad doesn't need to know anything more than that.”
“I can't keep doing this.” I turned my head so quickly to gape at him, that I felt a pinch in my neck. My stomach started to roll, and I thought I might be sick. On some level, I knew I was overreacting, but those felt like the words leading up to the breakup.
“Can't keep doing what?” I pressed my lips together, reminding myself I needed to give Zach time to think before he spoke. We repeatedly told him he didn't have to do anything he wasn't ready for. Now, I felt like agreeing to come home with him for Thanksgiving had been a huge mistake. At the time, he'd meant well, but it was obvious from the way his face paled that he was having second thoughts as we wound our way through town.
He pulled over to the curb and turned off the car. His body sagged against the steering wheel, with his arms folded against the dashboard. “I'm so damn tired, Daniel. Every time I make this drive, I feel like I'm losing a little more of myself. I keep trying to be the son he wants.” He let out an unamused huff of laughter. “You know, the son he would have wanted if having kids had never been something he actually thought about. But I think I'm starting to see that no matter what I do, it'll never be enough for him.”
I unbuckled my seatbelt so I could get closer. It was a statement to how distraught he was, when Zach immediately twisted in his own seat, throwing his arms around my midsection. “Baby, if he can't see what an amazing guy you are, he doesn't deserve to have a relationship with you. Even with everything he put you through, you found a way to be true to yourself. He should be proud of that.”
“But he never will be,” Zach sobbed. “And I think it took bringing you home to fully understand that. All I know is I can't walk in there and keep lying to him, trying to make his life easier. Not if that means lying about how much you mean to me. And I hate that Colin isn't here with us. I don't want him feeling like he's not as important as you are.”
“He doesn't think that,” I reassured him. “Colin needed to be with his family. He knows you care.”
“But does he? Really?”
“Yeah, baby. He does.”
Zach straightened in his seat, wiping some dampness away from his cheeks. “I want to tell him the truth, but I don't want him taking it out on you.”
“Don't worry about me at all,” I insisted. “I’ll follow your lead. If we get to your dad's house and you decide you're not ready, then you're not ready. This is a life changing revelation for both of you, and I won't be upset if you need time to figure out what you're going to say. But know that if you do want to tell him, I'll be here for you for whatever you need.”
Zach slipped his hands around the nape of my neck, drawing me in for a chaste kiss. That was surprising because, typically, he waited for somebody else to initiate any sort of intimate contact.
But I wasn't about to complain. I rested a hand over his chest.
He pulled away and, for the first time since we left Annandale, his smile brightened his entire face. “I love you, Daniel. I probably won't ever say it that much, but you and Colin are the first people I’ve felt this way about and you deserve to keep hearing it.”
